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Posted 5/11/2012 12:35 AM (GMT -5)
I don't understand life. Why am I here? What is Truth? I tried to believe in God but it does not make sence to believe that there is a monotheistic supernatural male deity that is my Lord and Father. Where is his wife? It does not follow nature. There is night and day, sun and moon, male and female, love and hate, loud and silence, black and white.....and then a million variations of everything in between

No wonder I am crazy. Is this all real? Beliefs are merely comfort food, to soothe that empty belly womb...the anxiety of not knowing. Beliefs are traps because they close the door to knowing. If I think I know...I am not teachable. But knowing nothing is distressing. Why? I don't know.

If God exists...who then created God? And what is behind all the multi-verses, and what is after that? How do our bodies automatically know how to heal themselves after a surgery. The dr. performs the surgery but he doesn't heal the body. How does it do that?

What does it all mean? Is it truer to be an Agnostic and admit that I don't know? Is everything God, including the entire universe, all people, rocks, buildings, animals...everything somehow connected? Are we experiencing seperation from true reality by living a life span on earth? Why would we even want to do that if the other side is so 'heavenly'? Is it because if all we saw were day and there was no night we would not know what night was?

How do you describe color to a blind man?
I feel confused and disquieted. Nothing makes sense. Or everything makes sense? Nothing and everything...opposites...but is there an absolute to nothing when infinity exists? Yet how can we comprehend infinity and who said that was real? Forever means no death...just transforming like a leaf to a falling, dying leaf to a crackly brown leaf, to mulch to dirt, to something alive still in the soil that nurtures a new plant.

I have pondered all of this for hours and have a headache.

We are born, we live, we die...what is it all for? I know nothing. I feel very stupid.

Post Edited (red lightening) : 5/10/2012 11:41:44 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/11/2012 1:09 AM (GMT -5)
I have a solution. I will fast and meditate in silence for several days. Perhaps I will have a spiritual breakthrough. I will take meds and water. I may not start until tomorrow afternoon as I have made plans with a friend. My husband sleeps all day and all night since Apr. 22 so I don't think he will mind. Good night to all.
Posted 5/11/2012 1:35 AM (GMT -5)
How would if feel if you just let go of your thoughts for a little while, and sat in the present moment, for no reason other than just being in the moment.

I remember you saying in previous posts that you have an awful lot of trauma going on atm (my interpretation of your situation). Are you getting support with that?

Have you been able to exercise and socialise lately - that will help you redirect thoughts.

I remember ages ago you saying you were off meds. I think the stressors you are having atm would have to put some more stress on your mood disorder. Possibly just mood stabilisers/antipsychotics might help you feel less anguish??? I don't know. I don't know you well and I'm not experiencing what you feel.

What I do know is that you are a strong woman and you will make good choices for you, whatever they may be.

Hugs,

Jade
Posted 5/11/2012 7:07 AM (GMT -5)
 

  Red, i think y ou can drive yourself crazy thinking of all those things. Try and just let go and live in the now. I follow the example my dog gives me, when hungry he eats, when tired he sleeps. THats the true nature of ZEN.

  I have found great peace by paring down and getting rid of things. That also includes mental baggage that was holding me back. It allways amazes people that i have no hate for my ex in my heart, or the destruction she caused. My feelings are why carry hurt and pain if i can let them go and lead a joyfull life.

   There is a god, even if he only exists in each and every one of us. You are dealing with a lot right now, this is the perfect tiem to do as much as you can, and let the rest be in god, budda, allah, gia, or whoever you beleives hands. Once you have done as much as you can, then rest easy knowing you have done all you  can do.

   The highlight of my day is my time spent with big puppy. His simple joy of just living, enjoying a walk for the sake of just walking. A hamburger with his best friend, its all about simplicity in living. Avoiding complicated emotions is simply just refusing delievery or bad feelings. Once you practice it, it becomes very easy. It doesnt mean you dont deal with problems, you just deal with them with an emotional distance that allows you to have peace also.

Bill

 

Posted 5/11/2012 10:53 AM (GMT -5)
NOW! Yes, that is the answer. Staying in the present moment at all times. Fully aware. I was doing Vipassana meditation for many months and stopped. But part of the meditation is just making every moment a meditation by being fully aware. Thank you for reminding me.

Thank you so very much!
Posted 5/11/2012 11:58 AM (GMT -5)
 

  One of my favorite buddist teachings is that every act can be made into a mediation.  When i ride my bike, chop wood, mow the lawn, do dishes. My new GF of a month and a half is absolutly amazed how calm and quiet my life is. Despite all the craziness of life, i have found calm at the center of all things.

   Right before my dog sleeps, he gives a huge sigh.  Its his way of releasing all the cares and worries of the day. I actually enjoy hearing that sigh, it just reminds me to do the same.

   Actually being back in the bike shop has been great for me and my meditative state. When i build a bike i do it the same way every time, it allows me to get out of my mind and just let my hands do all the work.

   Red try and find peace and joy in the simplist of things. Things that cannot be taken from you. A sunset, a rain storm, the feelings of accomplishment when you clean something well. THese are just a few of the things i find great peace and joy in. Weird, but hey, it works for me. LOL LOL LOL

  Bill

Posted 5/11/2012 12:31 PM (GMT -5)
I meditate in many ways too. Once you get in the practice of it, it follows you and also leads you at the same time. I think we can think too much. Question too much. I think all we are expected to do is live. And living in the moment helps us with that. Notice all the little things about you. I guess they could be called God's creations. Nature is a good place to look. And as with Bill's dog. A very good example of living in the moment.

Thank you IG for letting me know about this thread. We are all just people. In a world of wondermeant. One day at a time is my motto... It helps a lot. Do the best that you can. Follow your heart. Expect the unexpected as there will always be change in our lives. Take a deep breath and sigh as Bill's dog did. Relax and enjoy life...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/11/2012 4:38 PM (GMT -5)
Hi Red,

I found what I was looking for 20 years ago but I still have questions like "why" and "how" when it comes to God. What I have found, is that instead of trying to figure out all those questions, I just go to the Source directly because the Creator knows what the real cry of my heart is in those questions and what I really need to hear to be at peace. And so He knows what to answer.

For me, in those times, I usually just open my bible and start reading wherever I open until something stands out to me. When that happens it lifts me up emotionally and then the questions don't seem to matter so much.

During a time when I was going through a lot of doubt, what also helped me was to move beyond the existential questions to historical fact. In regards to the reference to "Lord and Father" I recognized that the One who claimed this teaching historically lived. His life is documented by His own followers as well as those who were not christians. For me, that has been a good starting place when there is confusion. It's like just focus on the essentials. God exists, He revealed Himself in the form of a man which is historically documented, people who encountered Him wrote a book about Him which I can read whenever I need to find peace.

I find the peace of connecting with the reality of God calms down all the other questions. Another way, like Karen mentioned is to turn our thoughts upon the beauty in creation. Look at the birds, the sky etc. In fact, I was in a bad mood today because I don't understand why God hasn't alleviated my suffering in a certain area and I felt upset with Him...until I looked out my window and saw the little lake, the fields, the skies. I didn't get an answer to my question but it quieted my heart. I had peace again because I connected on a deeper level with the Source than just in the chaos of unanswered questions.

It's like when you look in the face of a baby or your beloved pet ... something so pure has a way of dispelling the questions because it bypasses all the confusion and touches the heart or spirit of the person. So if you have a bible, ask your questions and then just pick it up and read. Or go for a walk and take note of all the beauty around you.

I ask a lot of my questions myself but really just found that God has a way of answering the cry of the heart when we look for Him where He can be found rather than staying in our own minds to figure it all out. And then the other questions just fall away or get answered one by one, but peace comes in the meantime.

Hope that helps.

embers
Posted 5/11/2012 6:53 PM (GMT -5)
Thanks so much Karen and Bil and manymembers...I truly appreciate your support, insight and shared experience.

Hubby in ER for third time this month...severe depression and spinal cord injury from falling down steps. Usually I am strong and stable going in to crises...but not this time. I was crying, anxious and angry and he was the same. We got into a fight because he made a joke about having a girlfriend while he was married and telling the therapist. I know he had a one night stand but I forgave him because he was on bath salts...but a real secret girlfriend hurts. Then he said he made it up! So I am taking a break from the hospital. Came home to relax. He's already called needing things but I have to take care of me. Will try to stay in the moment and talk to my angels...they are my higher power. I have to care for my own bipolar which takes second stage to his medical dramas. Fortunately he is 30 days clean and I am 60 sober and in alanon. So...probably be writing some more poems...they may not be very nice ones! Lol. Love you all
Posted 5/11/2012 8:50 PM (GMT -5)
Congratulations on your 60 days sobriety. That is a huge milestone. I hope you realize that. Find peace in writing your poems. Some of the best work is done when people are depressed. Take care of you. That is so important.

Keep on keeping on...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/12/2012 9:30 AM (GMT -5)
Thanks Getting By!

I read a very appropriate page from Courage to Change...which is an Alanon daily reader. I will share it.


"there are many times when I doubt the existence of anything that cares about what is going on in this world,let alone in my life. But then I remember how someone guided me to a particular spiritual path when my life was at its darkest. I reflect on times when the words of music of certain songs have given me the courage to go on with my life when it might have been easier to give up. I remember the encourage ment by the honesty of people who have shared their innermost thoughts, ( like all of you on this forum,) week after week, year after year. I am aware that deep down inside me there is a part of me that wants life and pushes me to seek peace, happiness, direction and wholeness in my life.

Yesterday I took a break from the hospital where hubby is awaiting a cervical operation and I went to Walgreens to get a crossword book, (my Mom suggested this,) and my angels told me to go sit on the bench outside where a grisly old guy was sitting. I didn't want to but I did it anyway. He was a kind man, had been out of prison for 6 months with an ankle bracelet. He has been clean and sober for 4 months. He listened to all my woes and told me it would get better and that he watched some tv show at 5 am with a preacher who talked real direct and was staying sober that way. I doubt I will ever watch the show but just having him listen and give me hope was a boon to my day. I went on in to the store and came out to thank him and he was gone. To me....he was an angel here on earth manifested in human form to offer me encouragement and hope. My higher power comes through people, songs, literature, feathers, leaves in the wind...whenever I am still and listen I am given direction. I can not put a name on it but I call them my angels only because I have experience angels in my dreams and so it is true for me.

Thanks to everyone here. You are all angels on earth!
Posted 5/12/2012 10:02 AM (GMT -5)
Thank you for your post about meditation while doing, bill. Much to think about. I need more calm in my life. Maybe I can cultivate meditation while I'm working. Could improve a lot.

That's why I love you guys - always good ideas to promote health!
Posted 5/17/2012 9:55 AM (GMT -5)
Have not felt the energy or drive to comment on anything written here lately but have enjoyed reading and sharing all your joys and woes and feel every one of them. I now feel totally compelled to join in just to say Happy Bill you are truly a beautiful person your comment woke me up again.
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