new to forum, diagnostic mammo and ultrasound found large lumps

After wallowing for two days in self-pity, I yanked myself out of it this morning. My work friend who I found out went through all of this 3 years ago (and who gave me the kick-in-the-ass to finally go to the OBGYN in the first place), knew just what to say. She got me to refocus on the fight against cancer. Of course I KNOW that is the number one priority, but my mind had linked the path I am on fighting my cancer, with the journey I am on to rebuild my breasts, and when that rebuilding process hit a major setback, I let it effect my overall positiveness and happiness.

She reminded me to focus on the fighter that I am...... And I am kicking cancer's butt. I was just barely in the group of people who would benefit from chemo, and I chose to get it. I am barely in the category of person to benefit from radiation, and I am going to get that, too.

So what if my outer shell, the shape of me, is going to be mis-matched for longer than expected. So freaking what. And yes, I'll be forced to have an additional surgery, but honestly, I don't think anyone heals faster from surgery than I do.

So, today my oldest friend is coming over to spend the day with me. This is my friend with OCD who cancelled on me when I lost my hair. So instead of being the first person to see me in a wig, she is the last. And it doesn't matter. It is such a non-issue! I honestly don't think about my baldness and what it means time-wise for how long it will take before I have a decent amount of hair again. I am enjoying my wigs, and REALLY enjoying how there is no upkeep to my hair looking great. When I had my long hair, that I was oh so proud of, it was a minimum two hour ORDEAL for me to get done up for anything. I don't have great hair, but I could make it look great, when I put in the 2 plus hours to get it that way. And it would last for just that day. The next day it would be so-so looking. Day three was pony-tail day.

Now, every day is a great hair day. It takes five seconds for me to grab the wig off the stand and adjust it over my head. Five SECONDS!

Best of health and positive thoughts to all who are reading this.

So I've been chronicling "what it's like to have breast cancer and what to expect each step of the way", but I have left out something that most chemo patients go through, and I am no exception: chemo brain. Chemo brain is forgetfulness, fogginess, ineptness. It is frustrating and a bit humiliating, and humbling.

As I type along here it may seem like it is easy for me. Normally it is. I've been a super fast, accurate typist for decades, never having to look at the keys, of course. But occasionally, in the midst of typing a sentence I will suddenly need to type the "s", for example, and have no clue where it is. I will stare at the keyboard and my eyes will slowly go over each row of keys and I will not see it, even as I go over the row that it is in. It may take several searches before I finally find it and can go on.

After brushing my teeth it has happened a few times that I find myself holding the toothpaste tube in one hand and the toothbrush in the other and not knowing what to do with them. I've already brushed...the cap to the toothpaste is laying on the counter... and my toothbrush needs to be put back in its case, which is also on the counter. But I stare dumbly at these two items in my hands and I know there is SOMETHING that has to be done with each of them, but I don't know what. After 30 seconds or so the fog lifts and I put the cap on the toothpaste and my toothbrush back in its case.

I had to type in my social security number into some website the other day and kept typing in the same wrong number, absolutely positive that it was the correct number, and getting angry at the site for telling me the number didn't match what was on file. After about five tries I suddenly remembered I had the first three numbers completely wrong.

I have stood in front of my bathroom counter trying to figure out which container is the antiperspirant. I see all the bottles lined up, body lotion, face serum, makeup remover, antiperspirant, hairspray, perfume, etc, and I cannot figure out which one is the antiperspirant.... I'll have to review each item several times before it suddenly dawns on me.

While getting dressed I have put my shorts on, then underwear over them. I don't realize it's wrong until I almost have the undies pulled all the way up. Then I take them and the shorts off to do it the correct way and I again put the shorts on first and then the undies, not realizing it is wrong until the undies are almost up. On the fourth attempt I got it right!!

I've lived in the same house for 26 years. All of my doors (and there's a lot of them) open IN, except one, the door to the laundry room, which opens OUT. I will confidently stride toward a closed door and attempt to open it out and be surprised that it wasn't right, and of course I do the opposite with the laundry room.

And perhaps the most vexing error I keep making is to try and fail to send a text on my phone. I will type out my message and press send, set the phone down and look away, and within a couple seconds I realize I didn't hear the "whoosh" sound it makes when the message sends, so I look down at my phone and I see that my message is not now in a blue bubble as it should be, it is still in the area where I typed it, but the last letter of the message is missing. So I retype that last letter and hit send again, set the phone down, about to move on to my next task, and I realize there was no "whoosh" sound. Again I look at the phone and there is no message in a blue bubble, there is my unsent message still where I typed it, with the last letter missing. Obviously I have pressed "backspace" instead of "send", two times. So very carefully I type the last letter again and hit send...... and ...... drumroll.......no "whoosh" sound, no message in a blue bubble. Again I very purposefully retype the last letter and hit SEND, put the phone down and expect the "whoosh" and not get it. I'll do this over and over again. The more I focus on the buttons I am pressing the more frustrating it gets. I'll retype that last letter, practically mashing the key I am so upset, and to send it I'll hit the backspace button, or the return key, or the space key, over and over and over again, until the fog finally lifts and I see the blue "up arrow" which is the button I have to press to "send"..... Talk about frustrating.

Best of health and positive thoughts to all who are reading this.

Its been hectic lately for me, lol, as it is for most this time of year. I have been following your journey. Again, by you sharing your experience you have & will touch many, many lives. I don't know if you are aware of this or not but to date you have had over 2500 views of your post. Can you imagine how many people you have touched & helped by sharing your experience!! A lot of people are not into forums for various reasons & prefer not to join. However, those people can read the forums they just cannot post on them unless they are members. We have many times at night more guests online than actual members. So please, as long as you feel like posting, please do so.

I have read the speed bumps you have ran into & you always get across them. As you say, keep that thought I am going to kick this cancer's butt. Don't let yourself get caught up too much in the what if it comes back. That is normal though just don't let it distract you. My sister & several of my friends that have had breast cancer all had the same fear. Once you are declared clear & go for the yearly mammo, you will be a nervous wreck to get the results. My sister finally learned to relax on her 5th anniversary. Remember you are a fighter & fight this you are doing. Hopefully the chemo fog will clear up before long, hang in there. You are doing an amazing job.

Hopefully the new year with bring the disability approval your husband needs. It is so hard to get it & such a lengthy process. By chance do you have long term disability through your employer? A lot of times they have both & when a person goes out they use the short term first & if they exhaust that they switch to the long term. Hopefully you will have it.

Enjoy your visit with your sons & I hope that you & your family have a wonderful Christmas. Sending many healing thoughts & prayers your way.

Wow, I can so relate to the many things of diabetes with your husband. My husband is type II. At the time of his diagnosis his sugar was over 500 & the drs were just amazed that he had not gone into a coma. It took a long time to find an insulin that worked for him. They tried all of the main stream cheaper ones with no success. Finally, he was put on Lantus which helped but his numbers were still too high. He ended up in the hospital for something unrelated & they brought in a dr that is an internist, highly respected in a very large metroplex. The nurse told me they were bringing in who they considered the guru of diabetes & he was a tremendous help. As it turned out my husband's pcp passed away & the internist took over his care.

My husband had a gastric sleeve surgery done this past March. He has lost a lot weight & he is now down to just having to use Lantus. Now, he struggles with low sugar & bottoms out a lot. He cannot eat very much at a time so trying to regulate this has been something else. We were out running errands last week & stopped to eat lunch. I had to drive us home because his sugar was still low after eating & said everything looked really dim.

He has neuropathy really bad in his feet & hands. He has no feeling in his feet. When he puts on the brakes driving he has no idea how hard he is pushing on the pedal because he can't feel it. He drops everything he picks up. I find his medicine in the floor from one of the pills falling out of his hand & he doesn't realize it. He is on 1800mg of Gabapentin but says he is not sure it helps all that much. He drinks out of a Yeti cup all the time & was constantly dropping i,t full of a drink. Finally, a friend said they were making holders for the cups so we went & bought one. The worst thing for him is the constant diabetic ulcers he gets on his one leg. Sometimes it takes nearly a year to heal with wound care. The last one took 5 months to heal & three weeks later another ulcer to deal with, he can't get a break.

We have a very good friend that is struggling with diabetes. Hers drops seriously low at night in her sleep. They have had to take her to ER several times because it was so low. She says she wakes up drenched in sweat & she has bottomed out. She has a snack by her bed at night now.

You will make a good witness at your husband's hearing for SSD. You are allowed to testify about how it affects his every day living & ability to care for himself. I had no experience with diabetes until he was diagnosed. Like you what little I knew was what I saw on tv which is a farce for the ones that it affects in such a negative way. I am afraid I would have slapped the secretary for her comment, lol. I have little patience these days for ignorance.

I am borderline & have been for several years. My daughter has managed to stay off of meds by diet. I am not as disciplined as she is, I like some sugar. The only problem I run into is if I am given oral or IV steroids it drives the sugar sky high & then they have to given me insulin. This has always happened in the hospital setting thank goodness.

The SSD system is something else to get through all of the hoops people have to jump through. By the time a person gets to a hearing stage they are already so poor & many have lost everything they own. I am not sure how people are to exist without any income for nearly 3 years, blows my mind.

I hope in spite of everything you & your family had a good Christmas. Keep on fighting, you are doing an amazing job. Yes, I have had a good bit of exposure to breast cancer with family & several friends. In all honesty, all of them were numb with shock & disbelief at the beginning. My sister demanded to see her pathology report to make sure it was hers.

Take care.

Like you, I did not cook Christmas dinner. We went to my son's & his girlfriends house so the kids could open their presents & had a late lunch. We had a honey ham too, lol. Everyone brought dishes, my contribution was a fruit salad, lol. We did have a great day with the kids, the boys are 11 & nearly 4. The kids just make the day. The 11 yr old is our only grandchild, now with his girlfriend we have a new one in the family. I did cook all of Thanksgiving dinner which I had not done in years & spent 3 days in bed, it was too much. I will not do that again.

My husband has a long standing circulation problem in his leg from blood clots. The first one was a very large one in the main vein. It took the surgeon's partner filling in one day to pick up on the symptoms my husband was having. The surgeon kept blowing him off. He spent over 30 days in the hospital. It was a nightmare.

The leg was so bad that he eventually had to retire after 38 yrs at his job. After retiring the dr said file for SSD. He had a few minor things show up on his heart but cardiologist said don't worry about it. SSD sent him to one of their drs over his leg & the dr paid little attn to the leg & out right said your heart is a big problem & you need to see the best cardiologist you can. He did get awarded his SSD without any problem. His pcp sent him to his cardiologist & he ended up having a pacemaker put in.

He has had one vein procedure done which did not work. We are waiting now for his cardiologist to schedule another vein procedure that he does. He says he does them different & it should help the blood flow in his leg. Between blood flow issues & diabetes he has been doomed to these nonstop ulcers for years.

Another issue is his blood pressure is running super low. He has so many things going on that literally wipe out his energy. He will be 72 next month & he tries so hard especially since the weight loss to be more active. He has different hobby interests but it zaps what energy he has. I am constantly checking on him in the garage to make sure he is ok. He has fallen several times & I get nervous. It is like we get a little help with one issue & another crops up.

I don't know if you have kept a diary or not of your husbands daily issues, now would be a good time to start one. This too can be used at his hearing.

A very Happy New Year to you & your family!!!

I love your attitude of being done with the cancer & treatment this year. I had to laugh reading about being 58 when you get your implants, humor truly can go a long way in a crisis situation. Same with the tshirt, that one is priceless & yes you should buy it.

Oh my, so your son is going to law school. Good for him. I worked in the legal field over 20 some years & loved it. A good friends of mine, her son went to law school & he has done very well. When he was in high school, I convinced my boss to hire him during summer break & he did. We kept him busy until he went off to college. His mom & I made several trips to see him while in college. I am very proud of him.

I did a search here at the forum on Taxol & found some very old threads. Considering the age of those threads I am not sure how useful they will be to you. Our search feature is at the top right & says Google Custom Search. I typed in Taxol for breast cancer.

Sending positive vibes your way. Take care.

Okay, so.... up to the time of my first meeting with my surgeon on 9/1, all I knew was that I had several large, malignant tumors. Life leading up to finding this out has been in a downward spiral for many years, on many fronts. My husband's debilitating diabetes and many, many years of being out of work has taken a huge toll on our marriage, and our finances. Many days the stress I felt would manifest itself physically-- my teeth and jaws clenched, my throat tightening and the feeling of a huge lump in my chest. And then most stressful of all, issues with one of my sons. To honor his privacy I won't specify what the issues have been, but there have many tense/anxious/angry/fearful....events over the last several years, which keep escalating. Every time we think we've been through the worst, there is more.

Soooo, on 9/1 my husband and I get to the doctor's office, and I handed in a huge stack of forms that they had mailed to me to fill out, and the lady in the front office handed me one more form and asked me to fill that out while I waited for the doctor. It was just a questionnaire with maybe 15-20 questions, and to answer I had to check a box rating the scale of how little or how severely I felt about each answer. (Example, answer 1 means no big deal, answer 5 means severe problem).

I honestly cannot recall the exact questions, but they were along the lines of, "how happy are you in your marriage", "do you feel in control of your life", "do you feel you have more or less stress than most people you know", "how do you rate your financial security", "is the health of your spouse a factor in your overall well-being"..... And to all 15-20 questions I gave 5 as my answer. The final question was a yes/no question: Do you think that your death would alleviate your problems? (again, paraphrasing... but you get the point...) and I answered yes, and I handed in the questionnaire and soon after I was called back to talk to the surgeon.

I went in by myself and got the news, that there were 2 quite large, and one or more smaller, malignant tumors in my left breast and a large, non-malignant mass in the right breast. We discussed the course of treatment: double mastectomy and reconstruction, chemo and possibly/probably radiation. Then he had my husband come in and told him as well. I was just feeling a bit numb when we got up to leave the room. However the second we emerged from the room behind the doctor, another man intervened and asked us to step back in the room to discuss the questionnaire I had just filled out.

He was a social worker, and immediately went over each question individually. Suddenly I LOST IT. I was sobbing and shaking as I clarified my answers. "Of course I have trouble sleeping most nights, my life has been hell for almost 15 years, of course I stress-eat, yes I cry more often than the average person, NO my husband does not help ease my stress, YES he is a major cause of the stress." (this part was REALLY hard for me to say in front of my husband. I don't say this to him in our lives... that his endless health problems are stressful for me and that all the years of not working have been a burden... I try not to hurt his feelings, because he can't help it that his health is so bad and he can't work). And then the last question... I was practically choking on my sobs as I qualified my answer. "Of course I think of dying to solve my problems! I WANTED to come in here today and have the doctor tell me 'Sorry, but you are stage 4, and the cancer has metastasized throughout your body... get your affairs in order, you only have a couple weeks left.'

Although I had never crystallized that thought before that very minute, all of a sudden that is how I felt. I told the social worker I wanted to be told I was dying (very soon) of cancer so I would not have to keep dealing with all THESE ISSUES (I said this waiving the questionnaire around). Who wouldn't want a way out? As there is no way out, things just get worse year after year.

So I arrived at the doctor's office just feeling a bit numb, and left a sobbing wreck, but also numb in a new way. Now I knew that in addition to the very long list of stressful issues in my life, I get to add surgeries and chemo and baldness and radiation to the mix, and when the cancer treatment is all over, every single one of my problems will be if not the same, then worse (especially financially.)

I really only felt like dying was a good option for a few hours. The Miss Positive that I normally am (for what reason, I don't know, lol), returned, and so when I posted on 9/2 about my previous day's visit to the doctor, I totally glossed over the depths of despair and hopelessness that I felt.

Okay, there, I did it. That was a hard confession! I really am a positive person so much of the time, but I felt dishonest that I omitted that those very dark, negative emotions are real, and getting my cancer diagnosis brought it out.

I could NOT find the post you were referring to in the prostate cancer thread. I saw some posts by Pratoman, but not about chemo/neuropathy. I didn't see anything by Union98. I am sure I am not good at filtering and sorting. Don't wear yourself out searching, I will look more when I can. I really appreciate that you thought of me!

I hope you are doing well. You seem like such a kind and helpful person, which I'm sure benefits many people.

My husband's attorney still has not received a hearing date with a judge.

Best of health and positive thoughts to all who are reading.

Thank you, Susie, I found the post easily with your great directions. I've written down the suggestion of L-glutomine and will discuss it with my onc! I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well. Since you are moderator of chronic pain and psoriasis, does that mean that is your main problem? I don't know much about psoriasis, but chronic pain I can relate to (having had 4 back surgeries). Luckily, the last surgery "fixed me", so the pain is gone, but there were many dark months of chronic pain which takes such a mental toll, as well.

My last round of AC on Jan 9 pretty much wiped me out, energy-wise. I have spent about 90% of each day sleeping! I wake long enough to go to the bathroom and eat something, and maybe do a walking lap inside the house to ward off DVTs, (and bedsores, lol). I was looking at some of my previous posts and it amazes me that after the early chemos I still had so much energy and took nice long walks, sometimes more than one a day.

I think I may finally be losing my eyelashes. about 50% are gone. I'm surprised they lasted as long as they have, as I thought they'd go the same time the hair on my head did.

Best of health and positive thoughts to all who are reading this

Omgosh, what you, and your husband, have been through over the years is so much more than my little problems, I am truly embarrassed to have ever complained so much.

I am SO sorry you have not found relief from your back pain, as I have. I do meet many more people (in real life) who have had failed back procedures than successful ones. I was in a position of "have surgery, or you're not walking". All I could do was crawl across the floor with my elbows dragging the weight of my body on the floor behind me while enduring excruciating pain. My kids were only 9 and 10, so I didn't really have a choice. I do truly feel blessed every time I am walking somewhere and I remember my rehab, when just putting one foot in front of the other was an effort. And now I just "walk", like it's no big deal, without a thought.

I got a Fed Ex letter from my employer last night at 7pm, telling me that they only had my disability through 12/24, and so from 12/25 onward I was considered a "no show". This is just irritating. I have been coordinating my leave through the benefits department at my company, and through the insurance company that has been paying my short term disability. They have it noted that my disability lasts at least through Feb 15. And I learned last week through the insurance department that I DO get long term disability, which I had no idea. I'm not sure what getting that will mean. I don't think my paychecks will still be the 60% I've been getting, and it won't be every 2 weeks, it will only be once a month. So I have some more learning to do, plus I have to educate my company to coordinate my leave with the other departments with which I've been dealing.

I've been going bald a lot lately at home. The wigs just keep feeling scratchy or heavy or sweaty (I'm in Florida where it's 80 degrees). Early on I never could have envisioned wearing the turbans or other type of skull cap when I had 2 beautiful wigs from which to choose, but a couple weeks ago I started wearing them almost exclusively while I'm in my house, and now this past week I have mainly just been going around completely bald-headed. And I've even been going bra-less. The prosthetic breast and bra is lop-sided. I am always having to adjust the prosthesis to raise it up to sit as high up on my chest as the side that has the very full tissue expander. So I am walking around the house looking like a real beauty, lol!

Best of health and positive thoughts to all who are reading. Speaking of which, I know folks are reading.... does anyone every have any comments? I did originally start this hoping that folks who have been through this before me could offer any insights. I hope my writing "style" hasn't scared anyone away from commenting or interacting with me!

Post Edited (exqualls) : 1/14/2017 6:11:05 AM (GMT-7)

MLK holiday, I can't get ahold of anyone.

I saw my onc today, and my WBC was as low as it's ever been...down to ONE.... the lowest before was 2.2. SO, I've been told to stay home and do nothing and see no one. She said I shouldn't even eat raw veggies that I wash, at least for a few days. She called in an antibiotic as a precaution.

I hope you are feeling better, Susie.

PS, forgot to add that I asked my onc about taking L-Glutomine during taxol, to ward off neuropathy, and she said yes, so that is good. I also found out the nausea shouldn't be as bad-- I won't need the two, really expensive anti-nausea drugs (Sancuso Patch, and Varubi pills), that I had been taking during AC treatment. Also, I won't need the Neulasta, either. Although Taxol will still lower my WBC, it shouldn't be as bad, and they would give me something less strong, Neupogen, that isn't nearly as expensive also. And, once Taxol treatment starts, I won't have to follow up with 2 days of IV fluids, like I had to during the AC treatment. Yeah!

Best of health and positive thoughts to all who are reading.

Post Edited (exqualls) : 1/16/2017 11:57:44 AM (GMT-7)

Unfortunately, yesterday my WBC was still too low-- 1.8, so I have to remain a hermit, as I'm at risk of catching anything and everything and having no way to fight it. Boo.

My chemo brain is acting up again. I tried writing an email to my workplace's benefits department, and I couldn't get it to come up anyway except as SONG LYRICS. I was writing emails as I've always written emails (or so my brain thinks), and I didn't choose any other style or font or anything, but every time I tried to write it came up as song lyrics. At first I wasn't going to send it, but I need to stay in contact, so a song lyrics email is what they're going to receive.

Speaking of chemo brain, I have an appointment tomorrow at a Brain Fitness Center, referred to by my onc for people with chemo brain. I have no idea what the appointment will be like.

I also go back to the onc's office again tomorrow to see if my WBC has gone up some more. Yesterday when she told me it was still low and that I had to come back Friday, I mentioned it was a $75 co-pay every time I step through the door, and 3 times in one week is just killing us. So the PA (the onc's physician assistant) said she would code the visit in such a way that it wouldn't get billed as an office visit, just as a lab visit, and then the amount should be less. Hopefully that will work, and I mention this so that if anyone else is hit hard with co-pays as I am, that it might be worth letting the doctor's office know.

Best of health and positive thoughts to all reading.