Hey Daesin,
Your wicked sense of humor will be your saving grace...even at 3 a.m. You can do SO MANY productive things to distract yourself through those long dark nights, from purchasing vacuums to vibrators on infomercials;) I feel ya, friend. I experience those sleepless, pain-filled nights that never end. Sometimes I go to bed with my husband, then get up. Sometimes I just don't bother to go to bed at all, but "sleep" in my chair. If I didn't take meds for anxiety and sleep, I'm not sure I'd ever go to bed.
Talk with your doctor about your pain increase at night and how it affects your ability to sleep. Perhaps he can help.
I am not new to pain, but am new to PM (since January of this year). It has not gone well for a plethora of reasons. I find myself feeling hopeless, truly hopeless. I am SO TORN with "Do I take the prescribed meds for pain relief as directed? "What happens IF I become dependent, then they are no longer available to me?" and the REAL question of "Does this med provide relief to justify the stress and/or rebound pain it causes?" I took Darvocet for YEARS, with NONE of these issues, before it was removed from the market. I would sell my child (if I had one) to get my old faithful Darvocet back. It did not magically make my pain disappear. It did, however, provide enough relief for me to function at my demanding career and demanding family obligations. The Oxycodone that my PM has me taking now does not sit well with me. I'm totally considering weaning off and leaving PM altogether. I would never have surrendered to PM this year if not for hitting the proverbial BRICK WALL of being too old and too tired to white knuckle my way through this agony. I had no clue what this process would entail, from bat crap crazy doctor to astronomical prices of meds. The onset of SHINGLES in my eye (7+ months now) is no doubt, a result of this nightmarish attempt to reclaim my life.
I digress into my own rabbit hole. Want to join me for tea and cookies? BTW, most of us understand the pressure to keep the façade of "perfect". IMO, that mantra has contributed to our "condition". We have said yes when others have said no. We have said "we can" when others have said we "can't". I personally believe "can't" kills...spirit and will...and hope of healing. At 50, I had to face (finally) that I have limitations and cannot be ALL things to ALL people. I had to "trim the fat" of some folks who were using me, along with excessive hours @ work. I had to let go, finally, of my perfectionism and "over-achiever" mentality. I learned to delegate. I had to adapt and adjust for my own survival. It's a work in progress. I, too, have much self-talk when I just feel that "this" is not "living". Otherwise, my tea would be brewed with Hemlock.
I understand. We all do, on some level. We're here for one another. My email is always open. I'll leave the light on...even at 3 a.m. Stay strong, though we support you when you need to lean.
Hugs~~Dixie