So tired...

Hey everyone!

It's been a long time since I've posted, I hope y'all are doing as well as can be expected.

I've hit that mental wall that pops up every so often and it's been a b*tch trying to tear it down because I'm just so tired.

I'm tired physically. I'm tired mentally...

I thought maybe if I came here to rant and respond to some people, it might help...so here it goes..

I've always been in pain, I'll always be in pain. There's no fixing the brain damage that I was born with. So I'm left searching for the point...of everything. Everything is hard. Every. Single. Thing. I'm almost 32 and yet it feels like I'm 80 and how in the world will I be when I'm 40? This isn't the life I wanted...but that's a stupid thing to mourn because I've literally never known a *normal* life in comparison to most.

All of the pep talks I give myself to deal with my day to day just seem so insignificant and useless at the moment.

I'm just in the low point of the cycle that is having a lifelong battle. I know this 100%. It's normal and natural and happens to everyone. I know this too. I will come out of it eventually, I always do.

Im so angry and frustrated and disappointed that this cycle of coping and dealing and making the best of it has been and will always be my whole life. But even while I'm typing this I'm thinking 'being angry doesn't change anything...it's pointless! So stop!' And that's frustrating too!!! I can't even let myself rant for one post because I'm too freakin' realistic and practical.

Thanks for reading this ^ mess. I'm sorry for the length.

FLexiRay:
It’s OK to express your authentic self and give narrative to your true feelings and emotions. This forum community understands the unvarnished reality of living with a chronic illness and pain.

Sure, we enjoy hearing when people have good news to share. Good news is to be cherished.

But you do not need to present an outward image of positivity if that is not your honest reality when you are writing a post. People most often come here to find a safe harbor to express themselves in ways that they may not feel comfortable with family/friends. It can be exhausting to maintain a false outward appearance that all is hookey-dookey and A-OK when inside you feel unwell and are struggling.

To be heard and validated by people who share a common experience of pain or illness can be healing in and of itself.

Being authentic to what you are feeling is important. Being able to put those feelings into words is one way of processing times when pain or illness gets the better of us.

Life is, at times . . . just plain difficult.

Adapting and adjusting. Dusting ourselves off, and trying again.

I am glad that you found your way back to the forum and shared by writing. I think many of us can relate to the push-pull of conflicting thoughts that you described. Pep talks that we give ourselves. Disappointments. Small victories and joys. Frustrations. A life with ongoing illness or pain is too much to figure out one’s own. Like the lyrics of a song by the Beetle’s, “We all need a little help from our friends, we all get by with a little help from our friends.”

I hope you are feeling a tad better for giving honest expression how you are feeling, and knowing that this forum is here for you whenever you may need it.
Karen

I’m sorry you have been struggling, I haven’t been in pain my entire life but for the last 9 months I have been in emince pain. Before I got injured (trying to save someone) I didn’t know pain or at least major pain. One thing I do know about is having your mind work against you and not sleeping from PTSD. I have seen some horrible things during my deployments... things a kid should never see or have to experience. The only thing that has gotten me through it and has shown any results is my faith. I have tried counseling from civilians and the VA nothing worked and I was losing my mind but, when I turned to my faith and asked God to take this burden I literally felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I pray that my testimony helps you and I pray that you continue to fight this.

Stay strong and I will be praying for you