I just don't really feel welcome on HW anymore

Labaradorite - I loved spicy food and still do! One of the best things about having a stoma was being able to eat stupidly hot stuff and not feel a thing when it came out of the stoma. I still eat some spicy food, but much like with fruit and vegetables, I have to be careful. It does burn on the way out, but bile acid actually burns far worse than spicy food. Fortunately I don't get that much bile acid anymore; usually only if I eat rich and heavy foods.

nssg - Thanks! :p ... Yeah, being withdrawn is horrible, especially when you want to join in but feel too braindead or self-conscious to do so. Socialising tires me out rapidly (the hallmark of an introvert), so I really need to be at my brightest to socialise, otherwise my mind just goes AWOL. At least I know I have surgery as an option, if need be. Tbh, if I could have a guarantee surgery would solve all my problems, I'd book it tomorrow. I'm just a bit scared it won't solve the pain issues (although it would certainly solve the urgency ones); I'm also worried about getting hold of ostomy supplies. Those are the two main things staying my hand at the moment.

Er, not yet :-/ I'm still getting used to the side-effects of 6MP, which is increased photosensitivity. It's mad how much more sensitive my skin is to the sun now. I've already come out in several heat rashes. I feel like my risk of skin cancer has risen by 5000% in the last few days alone. Obviously the antidepressant has nothing to do with that, but I'm still leery of starting it. Waiting to reach rock bottom again first, which, with me, shouldn't take long :-/

Skyflerjen - It's all right; I get the comparison. I feel like I have PTSD sometimes, but then worry that's a bit of insult to actual soldiers who have been in battle. If there are degrees of severity in PTSD, then I reckon I have had a milder version of it at times - just have felt very traumatised by some of the stuff I've been through in the last 10 years.

I agree with you about learning more from first hand experiences. Before I joined HW, I would look up Crohn's on medical websites from time to time, but I never felt like I really learned anything. It was all so generic; even the lists of symptoms were generic. I felt like my case was much more unique than it actually was. It took years to realise that my case wasn't some freakish anomaly, but was fairly normal for Crohn's colitis.

That said, I did find it helpful going to the other extreme and reading dense medical papers on pubmed. It won't be everyone's cup of tea, but I found more detailed info on Crohn's than I could ever hope to find on sites like WebMD, NHS Choices, etc. The medical jargon isn't hard to learn - it's statistics that are the real problem.

ncot. don't dismiss the anti depressants for the photosensitivity . I had a reation this past june to the hot Idaho desert sun ( well the same sun we all have) ;o) so when I got back I asked my dr cause there was only 1 new med since I went last summer .. trazadone... amytriptaline (sp).. so double check your reaction list that comes with the med... I did when I got home and sure enough it was there.. just sayin'

Hang in there, as everyone likes a nice cup of tea. I'm sure many have benefited from your posts, advice, and knowledge, and many also wish that you'll find your own solution as well. You've contributed lots of good posts on the uc forum. Prednisone is the worst with further exacerbating our depression, anxieties and other psychological tendencies. I'm back on the devil's-ticktacks (pred) myself, such is the random whims and joys of IBD that keep us all guessing/struggling ugh. Oh, I burned quite easily on 6mp, it's fairly common I think. Success is just something your mind draws up, it can be framed as truly impossible goal that only serves the purpose of disappointment, or it can be much more realistic. Like if it's helping others here then I'd say you've contributed quite a lot and are successful. Cheers!

Cheers, iPoop and DCJ :p

iPoop - Really sorry to hear you're back on the pred and enemas. Fingers crossed it's a temporary hiccup which will soon pass. Checked your posting history and it seems like things are already on the mend, so that's good. I wish I could find something work as fast for me. I know mesalazine meant to be largely useless in Crohn's, but I still wish I could try mesalazine enemas all the same :/ One problem for me is that I think the Crohn's is already quite well entrenched; it didn't come back as slowly or as mildly after surgery as I had hoped it would. So yeah, it's not as severe as it was before my first surgery, but it had 13 years to well and truly take over my colon.

I probably should've gone on a biologic immediately after surgery, but that's the sort of prophylactic use of expensive drugs the NHS would never sanction. Have to wait until things are going down the pan and far harder to treat first.

Anyway, you make a good point about how you frame success. I cannot find a way to stop feeling like an utter failure in the rest of my life, but maybe I can see myself as having achieved some success on HW. Nothing startling, just managing to help a few people out.

@DCJ - I think a lot of people do. Anger energises me, otherwise I would be too depressed to post anything again, ever. For example, I feel angry about my surgical outcome, even though it's not anybody's fault: nobody botched up, it's just one of those things.