Had some tragic news

we may be the crabbiest people on the planet, or maybe a lot of people don't care, & are sick of hearing about it. I've seen at least 20 news pieces on it since the announcement, and they will sneak it into a regular news show so you can't avoid it. She is absolutely gorgeous, but I've even been spammed with mail about her beauty routine. Sorry, but there are tons of beautiful people out there, and we don't need to know all their routines. I won't look like that even if I used all those $100 lotions and whatnot. I guess people will publish whatever sells...

Bull101 said...
However, if you can afford it, and you're 42, meaning a very grown adult, why didn't you initiate the trip before even your mother and brother if you care so much about the principle? I'd say you're plenty old enough to have said the second you found out "okay, I'm going to plan a trip to his town. Does anybody else in the family want to go?"

Why did you even bother posting this rubbish? What business is it of yours?

I've never even met my brother's girlfriend and I've never been to Vilnius (can't be bothered keeping the place a secret anymore). I'm not the sort of person to turn up at strangers' doorsteps without an invitation or impose myself on them. Besides which, at first it was just my brother who was going to go - apparently he wanted to question Tim's friends (sure they would have loved you playing police detective, you absolute imbecile, P****). But at some point along the way it turned into a jolly family jaunt. I'm being sarcastic about the 'jolly' bit but not about the not being asked if I wanted to join them bit.

Poppie said...
When I was eleven they told us we were moving house, but not with them! We all had to move into an apartment next door, and I remember my oldest sister (13) was given money to buy food. They just didn't want us around....

Holy crap, that's brutal. We at least all lived in the same house, but when we were children we could only come down in the mornings when our dad allowed us to come down, and he and my mum always had dinner alone - the kitchen door was shut and we weren't allowed to go in until my parents' dinner was over. On top of that, we also couldn't make noise like normal children but had to be quiet all the time because my dad can't tolerate noise. My nephews (my parents' grandsons) very rarely stayed at my parents' house but when they did my mum would keep them quiet for hours in the mornings 'cos my dad didn't get up until about midday and my mum was terrified of him being woken up early.

Another thing:

A few months ago I had a conversation with my mum about why she wouldn't let my dad throw me out of home, but let him do it to Tim (my youngest brother). According to her Tim could handle it, but I couldn't. Well, he obviously couldn't handle it, at least not forever. If it wasn't so tragic, I'd laugh at the way my dad pretends it's some great mystery why my brother killed himself. Dad, how about if you'd been a less sh!t dad, maybe my brother would still be alive today?

Anyway, thanks Poppie. I'm glad you were able to make a new life for yourself. (If I remember rightly you are British but living in America?)

Thank you ambling. That was nice... (not being sarcastic).

Just noticed I starred out Peter's name but not Tim's. Oh well, you know the names of two of my brothers now, folks!

Omg, a big huge princess story on the news. Someone please put an end to it.

There's at least some solace in not being the only one, unfortunately, more common than it should really be. As cathartic and wonderful it would be to hear your mum or dad say they've been bad parents (and by all sounds they have been) it is very unlikely they will. If you've been close to your parents for 30-40 years and they haven't changed, then what's the odds they'll change soon or even in the next 20 years? People, as a generalization, are set in their ways and don't like admitting their own faults or mistakes. It's uncomfortable for a parent to admit they've been horrible, and then harder still to change and stick with it as a result therein. You are left with either accept them with their faults and remain near them, or you could (as a long-term plan), distance yourself from them and reduce contact with them if they only give you stress as NotSoSicklyGirl, Poppie, and others have. It really depends how bad it is, how much stress it brings, and whether you are getting any help/support from your parents at all. Possible you enjoy talking with them when they are not in one of their moods, or that they do help in some small ways despite being a thorn in you... hard saying.

If your immediate family sucks, do you at least have any cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family members whom you trust and are supportive rather than hurtful? Anyone nearby or are they a long ways away? Best to have some positive rather than toxic influences who are helpful when you need some positive thoughts! Always give them a call, email, or visit when things are so rough...

Dear Miranda,

I have no words except to say how profoundly sorry I am, not only for the loss of your brother Tim, but for the tragedy of your upbringing. We are a product of how we were raised and there is some truth to your dad not knowing how to parent because his dad didn't know how to parent. I can 100% relate to most of what you've said. Same family dynamics and dysfunciton in my childhood as well. My brother was and is a complete abusive sh!t and of course my mom believes him to be the golden child. I was cut out when my mom had cancer (they 100% ignored me while we were at the doctors and my mom looked really pissed to see me when she woke up after being on a ventilator). Of course this is just the icing on the cake but the point is I've always been ganged up on and my mom took my brother's side when he threw me up against a wall in high school. It seems like she can't learn to have relationship with both her children and always has a nasty thing to say about me.....I went to pick her up for her b'day dinner and the first thing she says is "your hair looks awful! Is THAT what you're wearing??? " Frankly, I looked pretty rockin ! ) I don't know why moms are so hard on their daughters. But I do know that she won't change. At 81 she won't change. BUT I can change my behaviour towards her or how I react. I'm in control of my behaviour toward her (whether it's to cut her off, which I have done in the past. distance myself, use humor to deflect her toxic tongue or in the b'day case I told her I could go home and leave her b'day celebration to herself). There's a bind though. I have no other family (blood relative here in Canada). As you know my mom has an ileo and I feel empathy for what she has suffered as a result. I also know that when I was at my lowest in Sept 2016 with this disease that it was my mom who I called crying that I wanted to commit suicide and when I'm in the hospital she's the only one I have to help me shower, bring me lotion and care packages of food etc). I don't know how I would have survived this last 15 months without her, especially that dreadful 6 week hospital stay. At 44 I've gained some perspective and can appreciate having her when I need her but also know her limitations as a parent. My mom was raised in a convent so you know....that can't be good! (She's also got the martyr trophy and of course all her friends think we get along! ) It's hard to deal with though. I still get hurt by her sharp tongue but also feel I need to be there as she ages. Oh the ties that bind. Families are so complicated and my response will always keep changing as a result but now I know I'm strong enough to control what I do and when I do it.

I don't think you're terrible surprised that you weren't "invited" to go scatter your brothers ashes but it's beyond hurtful that your entire family couldn't even agree to grieve together. Here's where you get to take control.....if YOU want to go, go. It may not be today, but maybe in the future you'll just want to visit that country to be "closer" to his life, to see what attracted him to live there, maybe to have tea with his gf to comfort her....etc If you want to hold your own memorial to Tim do so. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Plant a tree, light a candle....do whatever you need to do when you are ready. (Amblings words are beautiful).

You are a strong, determined, powerful, smart, gifted and beautiful woman Miranda. A tough chick if there ever was one and I'm proud to get to know you through this forum.

BTW: Poppie lives in CR. Rather than the LA ghetto, let's pop by Poppie's! Although it's warm in Toronto, it is gloomy and grey these days. A little sun and sand would do us a world of good.

Thinking of you.

Costa Rica does sound like a nice get away from the ghetto. There was a natural gas leak this AM, so there's a lingering stench.

UB, my mom always pulls that "You're going to wear THAT" stuff. I mean, she used to. Now i wear whatever I want and it hasn't impacted my life one bit, so I guess her fashion advice wasn't as useful as she thought. I didn't realize you and your mom didn't get along. I am sorry to hear it. I know what you mean, who else would help out like that when you need them? My mom is very helpful as well. She would jump in and do whatever necessary if I needed her. That was her one good trait.

Poppie, I am happy you've been able to free yourself of the negativity that was put on you

NCOT, I like UB's idea of doing something in remembrance when you're ready. She's right, it doesn't have to be now, but you can make it happen when you're ready.

Well said Dimitri... ( I too am a chronic fistula suffer since Aug 10,16. Peri anal and recto vag).

I really had to think about my moms upbringing to have some sense of empathy for her but also to know how to handle her moods. She was born in 1936 at a time when children were seen and not heard. Her mom (my grandmother) was an orphan (don't know anything other than that.) My mom was sent away to live in a convent because that's just what they did. Reflecting on her history makes it a bit easier when I need to distance myself from her stuff. I think she projects al ot of her issues on to me. It still hurts but as I said, I can control how I react and I believe she only parented the best way she knew.

I guess we're all going through some sort of mid-life crisis...mid 40's combined with illness causes one to take stock of relationships. Personally, I'd rather go out and buy a sports car or something wild

Thank you Miranda. I know this time is excruciating for you, but this thread has turned out to be wonderful.

NSSG-- that's the thing. It's a toxic relationship and always has been. I went years without talking to her and my brother. I needed that time to protect myself and to learn to be happy and proud of myself without her approval. There will always be a "push pull" sort of thing. I don't want her to suffer and when she needs help I'll be there but I distance myself when she gets nasty.

Sure UB Tough, the car is a must in you mid-forties, it goes without saying hahaha.
We are not "chronic" fistula sufferers, just temp☺. We'll fix it. The fistula WILL lose in the end!!

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they get worse.

I got a call on my landline a couple of hours ago. Now the only people who call my landline are my mum and cold callers. I didn't answer it, but afterwards I called 1741 to find out the number. It was withheld. My parents' phone number is withheld, but so are some cold caller numbers, so that didn't tell me anything.

But I've decided it must have been a cold caller 1) it was a bit too early for my mum, 2) she usually tries to call again quite quickly if I don't pick up the first time, and 3) it didn't ring for very long - I think she would have let it rung for longer.

So now I feel even worse than I did before.

Philosophers have been chasing our purpose for ages, it might be just as simple as to persist despite all of the crap that's flung at us. Doesn't have to be anything grandiose or monumental. Helping others and giving advice is noble. Much better than the crazy pursuit of materialistic things. Simple is sometimes good.