Posted 11/9/2011 5:45 AM (GMT -5)
okay so in reality i feel like ****. it happens. even though i have slept i am ever so tired. i am trying to gauge what my purpose is in this world. not much comes up. lol. depression is biting my backside badly. i can no longer wear the mask. bi-polar is biting ever so hard as well. the crash is the depression compononent, it has been niggling for days, i have been fighting it, and with all of your loving support, i just don't care about much at the moment; well about myself anyway!! i can't think and feel, motivation is at an all time low. energy levels are non-existant, sorry for the vent, i need it. i feel lost, i feel self loathed. i hate this situation. it is one of pure non functioning. i can't win a trick at the moment, i am a defunct, smashed up individual. at this point in time i hate myself for this. i try god knows i try. i push hard, i exhaust myself, i keep going, but there is no finishing line in sight and this sux big time. school fail, work, nothing, someone in my life, gone. even though she is still with me, i know this, relationships and friendships gone. **** it!! so is this living? geez man. therapy, shrinks, hospitalisations, homelessness, mens shelters, gambling addiction, diabetes, stupid genetic condition-hormonal, my back and feet, insomnia, the abuses i suffered wich were extensive, very extensive, not knowing my father, only got to meet my grandfather at 21, he was very old, ninetees, he died the next day. nana said he stayed alive to meet us. a dysfunctional and unloving family on my fathers side, etc. still is. but everyone has there issues. this is not a pity me party. i am just in pain. mental illness sux to the depths of the lowest parts of hell. i wish mental illness on no person. may we all join our internet hands to fight this disease. thank you for allowing me to express my pain. love you all. jamie♥♥♥♥♥♥