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Posted 11/9/2011 8:09 AM (GMT -5)
Maybe it's the fall coming or maybe it's just life, but I am going down again...lots of financial stress, lots of trouble at home...prayer and music just won't lift this cloud

The hardest part is my daughter Katie. She cam home from school with a migraine Monday. Then her friend attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital. Katie was recently dx'd with depression and adhd and put on welbutrin twice a day (about 3 1/2 weeks ago). She came to me yesterday and said"Mom, I don't know what's going on...I am flunking my classes. I don't care about homework. I don't care if you take my phone and computer, cause all I want to do is sleep" and also she is feeling guilty about not seeing her friend's pain. My heart is breaking...I know teens get depressed but this is worse than I thought

How do I get her to do her homework without nagging, or bribing? How do I make her feel better? I tell her positive things about her and she says"mom, you're my mother, you have to say nice things"--lol! Kids are so on the ball.

I don't know how to help her, especially when all I can do is lie in bed and cry, what a great role model...I know she needs me to be there and I can't even do that...I feel helpless and hopeless and I know that phase will pass, it always does but what about her? How can I help

Thanks for letting me whine...I can handkle the pain, but why does she have to suffer so? Life seems so screwed up...how do the buttheads just sail thru life and the sensitive ones have to feel so much pain?

No answers to those questions, I just wanted to blurt it out, get it out. Life sucks today.

Maggie

Posted 11/9/2011 10:09 AM (GMT -5)
First and foremost I would seek out a specialist or two for your daughter's adhd and another one who specializes in teen depression.

I have an ADHD child (my oldest) and I can tell you from experience your every day doctor, psychiatrist, etc are ill prepared to effectively help her and you to learn to cope with it. Also counselors who primarily treat adults often have a hard time reaching kids/teens.

I can tell you that punishment rarely works with ADD/ADHD kids. They do not have the attention span to really understand what they are being punished for. Sure they can tell you right from wrong, and they can tell you why they are being punished, but they do not truly comprehend it because they are unable to fully put 2+2 together.

A reward system works much better with these kids, and because of their short attention spans the task need to be kept short and the rewards frequent. The rewards do not need to be elaborate and really shouldn't be. Start off small on the task. Maybe something like working 5 minutes of homework and then getting a break of 5 or 10 minutes to do something they want to do, then back to homework for 5 minutes, etc. When that is going really well increase the time slightly to 7 or 10 minutes of work for the same reward. If she does not meet the current goal don't chastise in any way. Simply don't give the reward, praise the effort and let the kid know you know they can do it and after a small break of a couple of minutes have them try again.

This will help "reprogram" her brain so she can have a longer attention span and do better.

Do not rule out meds for ADHD. Your daughter may or may not need them. If she does need them work with the doctor to see to it that she is getting the smallest dose or doses needed. This is where a doctor who specializes in ADHD really comes into play. Too many doctors who don't tend to over medicate and then back off if needed instead of starting small and building up.

about the only other thing I can tell you in general is that ADHD is often accompanied by some form of mental health issue, and depression at some level is very common. Both issues need to be addressed at the same time and in conjunction with one another. If one is "ignored" it is like a fire department standing on one side of the house trying to put out a fire while an arsonist is on the other side pouring gas into it.
Posted 11/9/2011 10:30 AM (GMT -5)
Wow Jim
Thanks for spending all that time writing back...full of good info I can use...thank you.

She was seeing a psychologist, who dx'd her. I thought it was PTSD and/or depression which cause all sorts of attention problems/anxiety/cognitive problems but adhd makes more sense. Her Dad is bipolar and was very hyper as a kid, before they dx'd for adhd...they called him Twiddler cause he never stopped-lol. I am MDD w/ ptsd.
So she has grown up seeing parents NOT cope with our illnesses very well, but at least she can come to me and tell me...I am grateful for that.

The small bites of tiime makes perfect sense. I guess I just have to rally round at homework time and supervise from another room...she is so easily frustrated and angered, annoyed and irritated...is that a normal adhd response?

Oh geez, hubby wants computer, Jim

Thank you so much for all the tips. I'll check them out tonite

I hope your son is doing well

Take careTTYL
Maggie
Posted 11/9/2011 11:17 AM (GMT -5)
Maggie,

You are fortunate that she can talk to you. That makes a whole differnce in the world. Keep the lines of communication open with her. I think that the short study periods sounds good too. I think that has been proven to work better with all kids.

Good luck and God Bless...

Hugs, Karen

PS I am so sorry about the loss of her friend...
Posted 11/9/2011 11:58 AM (GMT -5)
Thank God her friend was not successful, but she is hospitalized and her Mom says they will be moving away. Like that will solve the problem...I hope Katie can see her,shwe was like another daughter to us so we are mourning too. I told Katie"you have been a good friend to her and you shouldn't feel guilty" but she says she does anyway.

I'm just feeling out of my depth with her right now...I used to know how to fix all her problems but this is beyond me. I guess just being there for her and keep after therapy (next week) and meds for now. Very helpless feeling...

Thanks for the support as always

Maggie
Posted 11/9/2011 12:48 PM (GMT -5)
I am so glad that her friend was not successful. Sounds kind of like the parents are embarrassed, or else they think she needs a different environment. It is too bad she isn't staying to have the comfort of your daughter as a friend. I am sure you are going to miss having her around. But this could be a snap decision and they may not even follow through. They must be at a loss too.

It is hard when our kids are in their teens. You worry constantly about them. My grandson is 16 and making the wrong decisions. His grades are dropping. You feel so helpless.

Maggie I know how hard you are working with your daughter and struggling in your own aspect of life. I think that the best we can do is take it one day at a time. And live in the moment. Know that we are all here for you.

Sending prayers...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/9/2011 1:26 PM (GMT -5)
Maggie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering such severe pain. You do so much to lift people up in this forum and I want so very much to be encouraging to you. It is such a heavy burden when we see our kids hurting and we want to be strong for them and help them through their trials. At the same time you are already struggling to hold your own head above water. I'm sure you will do all that you possibly can for your daughter but give yourself grace to live within your own limitations.

mike
Posted 11/9/2011 3:14 PM (GMT -5)
Thanks y'all...tht's really all I needed was a little encouragement.

I still don't know what to do for her, but I feel better about it knowing I have y'alls support.
I try to be upbeat but sometimes it feels like a sham, that I don't even believe what I am telling others. Sometimes I talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I'm the positive one in our house, whether I want to be or not-lol.

I appreciate the feedback-have a good night

Maggie
Posted 11/9/2011 3:43 PM (GMT -5)
You have to give her something worth fighting for, like her future...tell
her she has a good future ahead of her, cause she is smart and
wise and a good kid and that she needs to get thru school to get
that future...There is always something to keep us moving forward
have her make a list of goals, short term and long term and help her
with those...This should help...
Many well wishes and Prayers for you both...
Posted 11/9/2011 4:30 PM (GMT -5)
Maggie,

With all that you are going through, you still have the strength to come on the forum and cheer people up. That is such a good quality. But you can share your hurt too because we will be here for you. Know that we all love you and think the world of you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/9/2011 5:02 PM (GMT -5)
Dear sweet Maggie, I need to rush off to teach piano, but read part of your post. I am thinking of you and sending HUGS. Keep us posted. Katie knows you love her and the way she shares things with you shows what a great mother you have been and are to her. I'm praying for strength and encouragement for you both.

love, embers


Karen and Jamie...wishing you both good things today!!
Posted 11/9/2011 7:58 PM (GMT -5)
Thanks Chart, Karen and embers..

good idea chart on goals list..maybe we all need to do that in this house..keep our eyes on the prize..she did bring her progress (halfway) report and is only flunking one class(NEVER did that before) but she is doing some makeup work to pull that up

Thanks Karen, you are so kind and always have something good to say about everyone, such an endearing quality

embers, thanks for the praywes

feeling better tonight..Katie's friend is hospitalized under suicide watch, Katie is making a notebook full of thoughts from all of us and pictures, quotes, good therapy for her and great gift for her friend...I am proud of her loyalty and compassion...

Life is good
Love you guys
Maggie
Posted 11/9/2011 8:04 PM (GMT -5)
thats good maggie. my heartfelt compassionate prayers 2 ya at this time. jamie
Posted 11/9/2011 11:17 PM (GMT -5)
Good Maggie. We always need to remember there are solutions to be found. That is one thing this house building ordeal has taught me.

Katie sounds like a lovely person.

take care, embers
Posted 11/9/2011 11:26 PM (GMT -5)
Maggie glad things seem to be getting better since your earlier post. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted 11/10/2011 4:06 AM (GMT -5)
thanks y'all

am doing better, except I need to win lottery-lol

Maggie
Posted 11/10/2011 4:10 AM (GMT -5)
don't we all sweetie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jamie
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