Feeling sad

Heya,

I've not been here in a while, used to be a regular member and then got really busy living life and sort of faded away. I was also doing really well mentally and when you're doing really well I find it's easy to slip away and come back when things get tough again, which is where I'm at now.

When I was 16, my Dad did stuff, when we went to visit him, on the vey last day of us being there. After years of being told my brother needed his Dad  and him only just coming back into our lives, I tried to ignore and buried it which I do ok at most of the time. A few years ago (I'm 27, think I was about 22 and my brother was 20) I got drunk with my brother one night and told him...But, he didn't really say anything and we never spoke about it. Then around that time I found my other 2 half brothers on Facebook and decided that was all I really needed from my dad (we knew about our brothers and we knew he hadn't mentioned us to them, so this was another reason to keep quiet as I wanted to find them). So then after we met them, something finally snapped and I decided to send a very strongly worded letter to my dad and cut contact. The response back was "erm, ok and less of the swearing".

So then last year I split with my ex hubby and my mum went all "omg you need your dads support I'll go email him to contact you" My response was a properly worded email to my dad this time, saying I never wanted to see him again, I didn't want him to contact me or even hear about him, if he could just go away now and also went into what it did and how confused and screwed up he actually made me feel. He responded saying sorry and stuff and that he still had a picture on his desk of me skating and I'd always be his princess.:/

Ok, so fast forward to now. My brothers getting married in November and the anxiety and depression I've kept very well under control for the last year is starting to rear it's ugly head. I'm having periods of just crying and my diaries come back out after 6 months (the last entry and a few before had been so happy and full of hope.)

Obviously I have choices and one choice is to not attend the wedding. The other is grin and bear it, and the other is just attend the wedding itself and not the night do. Where he's getting married is actually the uni where I did all my teacher training courses, so I know all the nooks and crannys and I know I can run and hide and my counsellor is funnily enough actually in the building that day, so it's a supportive place really. My boyfriend will also be there and though I haven't filled him in on any of the details as I can't bring myself to explain, he has been warned that if my dad even comes and says hello  Iwill be ignoring him and I wish him to do the same.

I feel sooooo guilty thinking all this, it's my little brothers wedding and I've always tried to protect him, but all of that has a toll and it's had it's toll over the years. I never told my mum or any other family member what happened in CA as I know it'll spoil things for my brother but being face to face again feels like I'm being torn apart. While he lives in America and I live in the UK that's a nice huge 11 hour flight seperatiogn distance I can handle. I don't have to see or think about it.

I just don't know how I'm gonna handle this next 2 months it's requiring so much strength already from me and I'm already exhausted. I'm hoping my mum doesn't do what she does when me and my bro have had a fall out and try to get me to go talk to him. I'm holding out till after the wedding and see what happens but I think after I'll be telling my mum as she's always going on about how lifes too short and what if he died tomorrow blah blah blah. She just thinks it's been a random fall out or something. She's always going on at me though, and right this minute it's just getting too much. I've avoided my gran since I found out about my brothers wedding as she goes on the same talk as my mum.

I'm sure I'm sounding rather whiney here, but I'm sat here in tears (again grrrrrr) and part of me is mad at myself, but then so upset at the situation and not just being allowed to just forget him. For me he's gonna spoil how good I should be feeling with my brother getting married. Confused springs to mind, but I know it's only gonna be a rougher mental challenge than this over the next few months. Which is why I've found my way back here I suppose.

:(

Thank you for your reply Trina.

Part of me thinks,"jeez it's been 10 years Gem, time has past to do anything about it, so get over it" but the other part is pointing out it happened and I never did anything about it, so of course those feelings are gonna keep biting me as people are always gonna invite him to things like this.

I do have a counsellor and a psychiatrist (though psych is a bit useless tbh, I've started lying to him to stop him upping my trazadone (which at 50mg higher than what it is turns me from generally balanced with small anxiety issues sometimes to angry than a bull been beaten with a stick while charging towards a red flag.) My counsellor is good though and I see him every Wednesday. I will probably talk to him about this on Wednesday, but it's a lot harder to explain everything verbally. If you notice I like writing essays, and my speech is the same except I totally forget what im on about then go off point entirely.

I've always used distraction techniques, so usually distract myself with something pretty, or a new tattoo or piercing or hair colour (I'm currently electric blue which mum is also complaining about as I don't wanna spoil wedding photos with blue hair and I might clash with my red dress.)

I'm thinking so much through, like the fact I can go hide, and there's Wi-Fi and Chris will be stuck to me like glue so will come with me anyway (he hates social situations, even his own family events).

Welcome back Gemsi. We have not met, I am Cathy. We have some of the same history. Thank goodness it was not my dad, but a teenage cousin when I was 6. I have seen him a few times and just ignored him and he did the same. One nite while while I was working I took a break and decited to send him an email. I told him how what he did and what he said to me has effected ever single relationship in my life, even with my son.
I was just wondering when or if I would ever hear from he. lo and behold, he called me on the phone and sounded so sincere. I believe him, I truly did. Still, it can ever be gone. My mom is 82 with a bad heart and I would never put her in any kind of stress.
I know how it feels to want to get him some way. So, there are lots of days to come that you might have the perfect day to say something. Hopefully your little brother will have a beautiful wedding, which you want to be perfect for him. It is his day. You can have some fun and then just say you are feeling just really bad and there is your out. Maybe your best friend will go too. It will take you away from the stress, and save your baby brothers wedding.

I figure you have noticed that I try to fix everything. I have learned in my 62 years that timing is everything, and your perfect time is coming.......I look forward to visiting with you again.......Here is a big ole Texas size hug and kiss....Cathy