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Posted 9/30/2013 7:26 PM (GMT -5)
I need to talk with someone, some of yall. I am ashamed of myself. Its so hard to put pen to paper for all of yall to see. Im not sure if I can get it out at this time. I dont believe I have ever in my life been so low down.

What happens in our brain? I feel like I would have to bust it open like a beautiful big piece of cold sweet water melon. Its only sweet on the very center, and i want so much more. I have something to share that just breaks my heart and soul.

Maybe some of yall in the past year have read about my first grandson would arrive in July. Well, he made it here fine, tho being 9.5 lbs and 22"long, his Mom had to have a C section. I have only been to see him4 times. We only live 15 miles apart. When I hold him and look in his eyes and try to see anything of my son in him, I cant. NOTHING, no feeling. I am a baby lover, always have been. I dont see that special light in his eyes.
what in the world is that?

I cant even answer any email. All of our bills are just buried on the kitchen bar. All over due. I just dont have the energy to take care of items in our lives that must be done. I will let myself go days with showering or washing my hair. I figure since I swim everyday thats enough. The only place I go is to the doctor. I have stopped wearing my dentures completely. People wont recognize me. Thats good, I dont want anyone to recogize me.

I know my husband is embarrassed to be with me but I just dont care. My hair has grown way down my back, nearly to my waist. I have decided to let it grow till I die. I can be the crazy old woman and all that hair.

Im tired and ashamed so I will be back later if I can.......Cathy

Post Edited (neuropathy10) : 10/2/2013 10:20:22 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/30/2013 7:45 PM (GMT -5)
Cathy,

It is good that you have posted here. At least you have gotten some of it out.

Has the doctor adjusted any of your medication? Are you taking your meds as you should? This is important.

I remember the issues you have getting around so I think 4 visits is pretty darn good considering you never go out.

Don't beat yourself up so, try some self-kindness and self-compassion it may just turn you around a little.

I wish you much Peace
Trina
Posted 9/30/2013 8:29 PM (GMT -5)
Thanks Trina. Im like a kid at xmas, I hope to get a response from someone like a gift under the tree. I am having really bad pain and falling even getting up from wheelchair. I fell off the edge of my bed too. I always fall towards the right..I think I am getting just what i deserve. Truly Trina, I have some bad things and mostly my thoughts. i dont know where it comes from, but I am a sack of evil crazy things. Things about anything from way long ago, things that were said about me or my sisters. I have always been protective of my 2 sisters.
thanks again Trina......hugs Cathy
Posted 10/1/2013 4:07 AM (GMT -5)
Hey Cathy,

Try to over look the feelings you have about your grandson. You may not be thinking right. I am sure that baby is just perfect actually. And he is a part of your son.

Do talk to a doctor, I think you need a med adjustment. Try to shower. It is very important, are you having difficulty in the shower? Maybe you need somebody to help you. If you are falling especially. You may need some in home care.

Do take steps to get better, but don't beat yourself up about this. A little at a time works. When we are this depressed, it is very difficult to find that road to improvement. Take the first steps...

Take care of you now. It is important.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/3/2013 5:18 AM (GMT -5)
Morning Cathy,

How are you feeling today? Any better?

Peace
Trina
Posted 10/3/2013 8:27 AM (GMT -5)
HI Trina, thanks for asking. Hope u are fine. well, I have a plan and I am excited. Its not gona happen over night, maybe a year, hopefully less. I plan to move to Arizona where all my family are. My son lives here. We are close, and I love him so much it hurts. He has his new baby. I want it to work out for him. By the time Im ready I feel like he will make it with his new little family.

I will also be able to see how my own marriage, and my health is. I see a new neuro doc tomorrow. So many things can change. My husband might do a flip flop, miracles do happen. My main goal is to be with my family in arizona. My mom and my two sisters, their kids. My mom is 82, has had heart surgery and has arthritis and sjogrens. I have to have something done on my back or neck. I fell again last nite. I cant move out there and be a burden. My family says, do it now, they love me and they want me. Things like this cant be rushed tho.

Anyway, I have a goal and I feel so excited. I dread surgery so much. I read on here about all the failed back surgerys. My goal might be a fluke, but no plan is depressing.

I gotta take my meds.....I always have to check on here first thing. I am always so excited to get a response, and here we are, your response. A good beginning.....hugs Cathy
Posted 10/3/2013 9:13 AM (GMT -5)
Cathy,

It sounds like you have a wonderful plan. It is so nice to be near family. In most cases anyway, not in mine... But I am glad you have set a goal. And knowing it takes time, I think it will work out.

Keep posting, as it does help. Have a lovely day...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/3/2013 10:31 AM (GMT -5)
Dear Cathy

I was so sad to read your first post-that was me 6 months ago. I was too ashamed to even tell people that I had not showered or put my dentures in for 7-10 days-even the idea exhausted me. Same thing-laundry, mail, urgent matters ALL piled up, making me feel MORE guilty. I so empathize with you.

I am glad you NOW have something to look forward to-and very glad you have a loving family for support. And I am glad you are taking it slow-major life changes should not be made when we are feeling that bad.

I agree that med adjustment or change is probably needed, altho we both know meds can only do so much.

I dropped my effexor and started cymbalta and for 5 loooong weeks hung on by my toenails-lol and startecd feeling just a wee bit better. Just a little light at the end of the tunnel is all we need to jumpstart our recovery. I will pray for you. Please let us know what new neuro says-the falling is scary for you, I'm sure.

Please keep us posted.  I really do care

Love Mags

Posted 10/3/2013 10:42 AM (GMT -5)
Hang on to the plan Cathy, I am sure the new doctor will be an inspiration for an improvement for your back! With out back pain, or less pain, things will change.

Peace and courage.

Trina
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