Hi Kalada,
I am impressed by how well you were able to put your journey into words, and how clearly you seem to be able to think through things. I also commend you on keeping your son and giving him life. That is already the greatest gift you could give him.
Every mother goes through periods where she doubts herself, and feels guilty and blames herself. Try not to be too hard on yourself. No mother is perfect. Your son knows he is loved. The fact that you worry so much about
it shows how much you care. But try to trust that he is going to be alright. He has had your strength to draw on all these years. Just lay hold of all those moments where you DO have energy and pour out all you can on him. Those times will carry him through the tougher spots when his mom is struggling.
As for the way your dad approached things with you, I am very sorry to hear about
that. For sure, it was NOT what you needed to hear. He may have meant well, but it just goes to show that he cannot see inside of your heart to know what you are going through or what you needed. It must have come as a shock to you. You didn't deserve that at all. It is not your fault that you are struggling with depression. Crap happens, and depression is just one way the soul says, "This is too much for me to handle all at once. I need help." And so yes, what you needed to hear was for him to tell you he sees how hard you are trying and that he believes in you and is there to help. Even if he couldn't say that, it doesn't mean he meant to hurt you, or that you deserved those words.
On a happy note, you will find plenty of people here who will support you - it is a wonderfully supportive forum.
I think the others' suggestion to get counseling would be a great place to start. Sometimes just having a safe place to talk about
things, and having support like that goes a long way. And it sounds to me like support is a key thing for you - that you've not had enough of it to help you through things a lot. Sometimes we have to be strong for ourselves so long, that we come to the end of our resources, and we need the support we should have had all along - and it can come in the form of therapy.
Just keep doing your best. When those thoughts come that make you question being a good mom, tell them to go in the trash.
Choose to believe in yourself, even if you don't feel it. You know in your heart that you are a good mom and have the strength to get through this. Listen to that still, small voice, and keep on fighting the good fight. And if, at times, you feel you are failing, or flailing, just remember it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you are in process of getting solid ground under your feet and back to where you want to be. Be patient and kind to yourself as you seek to find your way through this rough patch.
Most of us make plans and they don't go the way we think they will. It's especially hard when part of that is due to others letting us down. But keep celebrating the good things each day, and keep hope alive. There is always another side to the battle, and the sun comes out again.
My faith gets me through my own struggles. We are not supposed to talk about
religion on here, and I don't mean to do that. But just saying, that saying a prayer can be a great way to unload some of those burdens. :)
You're doing fine. One day at a time.
Blessings, embers
Post Edited (manyembers) : 11/19/2013 1:27:42 PM (GMT-7)