Wife Needs Space- Now What?

I'm finding that reading alot of these posts is helpful to me, while I am in a very difficult place, and I'm trying to figure out how best to deal with things.

My wife of 2+ years has had a history of depression, and she has recently said that she needs space. She has left our home to go stay with family, maybe 20 minutes away. This has left me in a very confused state....sad, angry, frustrated, scared, desparate, lonely....you name it, and I've probably hit it in the last few days (except suicidal...I'm not at that place). It has been very very hard for me to give her the space she needs. I find myself wanting to call her, or text, FB, etc, which I can resist for a while, but ultimately ends up in me relenting and contacting her. When we talk, it is getting increasingly more agitated, and she has openly says that a) she doesn't know how long this will take, and b) this could very well be a permanent separation, but she is not in a place right now to make any such claim. The uncertainty is killing me, and I am not willing to accept another failed marriage (I was divorced after a 3 year marriage about 7 years ago).

To be fair, I know I'm not perfect. I do have a moody side to me, that makes it difficult to talk we me sometimes. I have spent alot of my time and energy on my career, and this has been a point of contention over the past two years. My own health has suffered over the past couple years, putting on alot of weight. I don't invite conflict with my wife, and when we do argue, I will often end up shutting down, so I don't do or say anything to completely make things worse (ie: violence, or extreme rage). This has made me a less than efficient communicator.

My wife and I have been to couples counseling for the last year or so. I avoided it for a while, because I didn't want to admit that after only a year or so, we were at "that place". It has had its ups and downs, but repeatedly, she has acknowledged that she had one foot out the door, and was unsure what to do. She was sad that I was not the partner that she thought she married...she felt that I did not contribute enough around the house (probably true), and that I was moody and not always emotionally available (also fair statements). She has warned me that she was wary of another depressive attack, like she suffered before we me, which left her crippled, and took a while to get out of. I do feel some level of guilt for where she is now, because I feel like if she is that unhappy, I haven't done my part as a husband, although there is a part of me that acknowledges that it has not all been bad. I feel like I had done my best to love her, support her, and be with her....never cheated on her, hit her, abused her in any ways...but she doesn't trust that I can be the partner she needs.

Which brings me back to where I am today.....I don't know how to deal with things right now. She has suggested that I might have some signs of depression (which has been brought up to me before, but I never really bought into it). I am wondering: how much of our marital problems are really my fault for not being a better partner, vs. how much of the situation is due to her worries and depression? How do I know if I am depressed? Most importantly.....what do I do to fix things?

I am logical enough to realize that this is not an easy set of questions, and the outcome may not be favorable. I am deathly scared of going through another divorce....it makes me feel like I have failed yet again, at a marriage (or long-term relationship), when at some level, I feel like I am a decent person most of the time. At 41, I am having a hard time with the idea of possibly starting over "again"....and of possibly never having a family. I know I need to concentrate on myself, but I am also so worried about the state of our marriage, and what I can do to repair it or salvage it.

I'm certainly interested in any input....but just writing this is helping me sort my thoughts. It's a bit comforting to realize that maybe I'm not alone, even if it doesn't solve anything.

First of all- you are not alone. Secondly, I agree what Karen said that it might really benefit you to find a therapist right now for yourself. If you have insurance & can afford it, I'd highly suggest taking advantage of it. A professional is trained in these things and sees it every day and can give you insight and coping skills.

Your reactions to want to contact her isn't abnormal either. It's so hard but you have to respect her boundaries.

Also, the first year or 2 of a marriage can be one of the most challenging years. No one tells you this! My husband and I went through that and it hurt me that I even contemplated if I'd done the right thing. We worked it out.

If your wife is depressed right now, or even you for that matter, that just magnifies everything until remission of the depression. Depression makes you think you don't love your spouse or they don't love you (amongst, obviously, many other things). It's a time when a couple or anyone, should never make a life changing decision like divorce, have a baby, buy a house etc. Sometimes though, the depressed doesn't recognize this and make those types of decisions.

Please do yourself a favor and take care of yourself during this time and seek out a therapist. I know it may not feel comfortable at first or even scary but it can be super beneficial. Especially if by chance you've carried over some emotional baggage from your first marriage. You can sort that out too.

Sending you all the very best!