Guilt and Judgement

We all judge others--even when we try not to or realize it is pointless. We have only our own experience and belief structure to work with in making decisions. Others, invariably, bring other experiences, beliefs, values, and baggage to their life.

You know it isn't useful, but it is human. You have done what you can do. Others must make their own decisions.

It's hard to let go when your personal belief system is strong. BUT--it's not going to ever make a difference for anyone else--AND it will only hurt you.

Once in my first years of college teaching, I was leading a relaxation and breathing exercise. The exercise was central to the class, which was a voice class, and there was a standard routine that that university followed. I had a visitor in my office hours. This one student (a freshman) objected to the exercises, saying that it was like hypnosis. He did not want to do the exercises. Later, I met with him and my supervisor, and she suggested that he not do the exercises when we did floor work, but instead do whatever routine he normally used to relax and focus on breathing. He said, "This ought not to be taught at all, for it is religiously wrong. It is wrong for the rest of the class as well." He wanted an established class with an expert teaching it to change the coursework, because he personally disagreed with it.

This was kicked up to the chair of the department. The student brought his pastor to the meeting. The chair threw them out after about ten minutes. Public university, lack of knowledge in the subject area, etc. We were willing to overlook this particular student not engaging with the exercises, so long as he got to the same place as the rest of the class. He was entitled to make decisions for himself, but not for other people. If he actively disengaged or refused, it would affect his grade, since the proper use of breathing and muscle control was PART OF THE LEARNING OUTCOMES.

That's where we have to come down on the ethical issue, right? Disengaging with people we do not agree with is our own choice. We do not have to do that which we find objectionable. But making decisions for others in the public sphere is not cool.

Personally, I have a hard time with this as well. For what it is worth, we sometimes have to remember that everyone is going through something, and that it costs us nothing to be kind.

Trina ... I'd do the same thing. I am with you 110000% on this. I had an uncle whom I dearly dearly love he was an acholic and drug addict this ruined his life long story. He is doing very well now but u remember that he taught me one thing .., integrity and owning your own problems. He would call from jail for one thing . To let us know he wasn't dead and he wouldn't be home ( get a mesg to my aunt etc) he wasn't boo hoo ing to have us get him out. He knew that he did it and now was going to pay for it. He is a contradiction an honest addict. I know huh? But I learned not to lie from him, and to own ones situation this doesn't mean liking it but you still have to own it. This person while I was reading your post I'm thinking " how skeevy "to ask for money to get you out of trouble for something you did! The nerve. Come on. I wasn't raised to handle this kind of person. Actually the way I was raised makes any relationship hard but that's a conversation for later. You are not judging. You are a person with morals and integrity and you should never lower your standards for someone no matter how much you care for them because if they cared for you they wouldn't put you in a situation like this. I'm serious.
Example when I'm short on cash I would never ask my mother in law to buy me a pack of smokes because I know they don't want to contribute to such an unhealthy habit. Think if it that way.
When I was in college a fellow student tried to fight the school and was VERY vocal about how he shouldn't have to meet the biology requirement because we were all being miss informed. Dinosaurs are a hoax and evolution was not real ... Fine take earth science ... No they are wrong the earth is only 5000 years old ... Not billions. Point was he wanted to change the science requirement just because his belief system came into conflict with science classes. I said just take the class to satisfy your degree you don't have to believe the subject just if you put enough effort into getting through the class as you do fighting to change the way things are done... Everyone is happier. Then somehow my car would be plastered with bible tracts and this person would sit behind me singing Jesus loves me and I couldn't hear the professor. Some people just can't be helped.

Post Edited (Pain$herlock) : 6/2/2015 11:25:25 AM (GMT-6)

Trina, I think it is wise you unfriended. I had the same situation (kind of) about a year ago where I unfriended a friend that was doing "go fund me" to pay off her mortgage that year. I didn't donate. She would repeatedly post about going to concerts and parties. I figure why should I give when she is just partying. Plus she was depressing, so I didn't want to see her posts anymore. I was glad I did it.

I feel especially when your friend is getting dui's, she isn't being responsible, she is driving while intoxicated and could possibly kill or hurt somebody else with her actions, I feel she is toxic to your welfare. I think you did the right thing. Just my opinion.

I don't think you are judging actually, just looking at it for what it is. It isn't good.

Don't feel guilty sweetie...

Hugs, Karen...

I agree with the others here! It's sadly just a reminder that some people have morals while too many others don't, everyone's outlook on life is different and sadly there are all kinds of people in this world that make it what it really is and that is "hard" they make it hard on themselves and on others often not even being aware (mindful) but the worst is people that do it mindfully and those are the people IMO that honestly do not deserve a break from others or even help because all you're doing by helping people like that is fueling the fire they started to begin with, IMO that makes you just as bad as them even if you're trying to come from a good place you should know donating or helping in the ways that will only encourage their bad behavior only ends up making you look and probably feel like a fool...instead, let them keep digging their own grave and know you had nothing to do with pushing them into it....avoid having people like that in your life regardless how you know them (friends, family, co-workers etc). Weed out the crap people and even if it means your circle will be smaller you will be better off, it's not quantity it's quality that counts.

We could hardly have friends and family if we didn't make judgements about other people. You have to 'judge' you like somebody enough to want to be their friend or partner, unless you are literally willing to be friends with, or date anybody, that you have ever met. Likewise, that implies the opposite judgement: that there are some people you don't like enough to want to get close to.

As for the woman in the opening post, I'd have absolutely no qualms about telling her that she's a fraudster and that's not just internet talk. If I knew her, I'd say it.

People judge constantly. I judge you. You judge me back. It's the way the world works.

Trina-

Many times I catch myself judging people because I would never in a billion years, under any circumstances make their choices and then expect compassion.

To me, I consider those people toxic because my brain gets stuck on them and their situation. And what floors me is that other people willing assist them.

For me I would have made the same choice you did- unfriend her.

BnotAfraid, I am a recovered alcoholic. I never yet got a DUI and God willing, I will remain sober and keep it that way. I had to 'unfriend' my sponsor! Long story and I won't go into the details, but it was a healthy decision for me as it is a healthy decision for you too!

There is a difference between judging and being judgemental. Your moral barometer has tilted you in the direction of what is acceptable to you and what is not. It's really not about the other person, but about YOU.

I applaud your decision. Look at it this way, those that choose to help 'fund' her reaching her bottom are probably the ones feeling guilt about their own choices. You have nothing to feel guilty about here.

FYI everyone.

some how this person, by passed 'unfriend' and tagged me again! AGGGH! So now I have blocked her!

THE NERVE!

Really, I just do not get some people, where is my brick? I need to send a message!

Peace, peace, where is my peace?

Wow Trina,

I think they find a way to get around things. Complete block if you can...

Wishing you the best!!!

Hugs, Karen...

Sometimes the only 'hint' people understand is a direct statement. She may have thought it was an accidental block or a computer bug. Perhaps without telling her why you were blocking her and just doing it passively, she did not get the right message the first time. At least you don't have to deal with it anymore.