Wife wants space - Depression - Moved out over a month ago...

Hi all.

I don't have a lot of support in my life to be going through this but I need advice.

My wife is losing her mother. Shes 30 and doesn't feel like she's old enough to lose her mom and theres a lot of things she tells herself to avoid responsibility or reality. She moved out of our apartment for a month and when I pulled the marriage card to come and talk, I tried to assert my opinion. I said this has been going on long enough and it's not reality. I didn't marry her to live separately and we need to work on this. I said if you don't move in I'll leave and go back to the place I came from where I have family. So she said she would move back in but then started complaining how she had no space and never got her space. I said you've been gone for month! I was mad and I said fine I'll give you what you want and left. I packed my stuff and I moved into her mothers. I told her this is a separation and she's fine with that, she just wants me to promise not to leave her. I said I won't leave until we see our therapist at the end of march. But with all this going on, I get advice to do what I want, take care of myself, be patient and supportive with her. Her pushing to take care of herself and do what she wants pushes me away, makes me think about myself and what I should do for myself. So I applied to school. It's a big decision and I really want to run away, so what better way to get away and do something thats good for me and MY future. I feel like all of this is tearing us apart and I know I am a precipator of this but so is she. I can't live like this. I was constantly nauseous and I'm starting to get better.. I'm not the only one shes avoiding either. She also won't see her 8 year old son. He stays with his dad now but this is just not her. I also don't want to have a family with someone who will just abandon their kids. I don't want to be left at home with a baby while my depressed wife goes and parties with people she just met because she's avoiding her feelings.

I don't know exactly what I need from putting this out there but I read and I listen and take in everyones suggestions to try and cope.

Thank you for the response.

I know some people who really party but what my wife does is go out with friends to dinners and hang outs without me. She did leave me to watch her 8 year old but in reality she didn't leave me because I hadn't seen her in weeks. So she had asked her sister to tell me to pick up her son and she was going to a potluck. It was awful because he was crying, he wanted to see his mom. I thought a phone call from him would tug her heart strings but she didn't budge and said he was going to spend the night with me and she would pick him up in the morning. Morning came and she didnt pick him up. I finally dropped him off at the hospital where everyone was (apaprently, I didn't know) and he went with his mom (she drove him straight to his dads).

Before we were a family. We would always be together and I understand if this was any other time and she was saying she needed space (like a night or two). But this is a full fledge depression in my opinion and she will tell everyone I don't understand and she holds on to two or three things I've said in the past. It's just really hard because I feel like my relationship is falling apart and she doesn't seem to notice or care.

All of this happening when her mother is getting really sick but it doesn't have to be like this you know? I could be there for her and she could be grieving in a normal way but this is hard. She really doesn't want to see me at all.

and yes we do have a couple's therapist that we see. Our next appointment is at the end of march since she's on holidays. So we're trying to stick it out until then. She wants to be alone (not truly alone because she hangs out with everyone under the sun that she just met) until then.

Post Edited (Jill.) : 3/13/2017 2:06:08 PM (GMT-6)

Jill:

You say:

"So she had asked her sister to tell me to pick up her son and she was going to a potluck. It was awful because he was crying, he wanted to see his mom. I thought a phone call from him would tug her heart strings but she didn't budge and said he was going to spend the night with me and she would pick him up in the morning. Morning came and she didnt pick him up. I finally dropped him off at the hospital where everyone was (apaprently, I didn't know) and he went with his mom (she drove him straight to his dads)."

-----------------------

You're getting fair enough warning, of how she treats children.

You then say, "I also don't want to have a family with someone who will just abandon their kids."

That's the right attitude right there. The key here I think, is "no kids." I got into a situation just like you're in, and the thing which got me in too deep was having a child with this woman.

Uh, oh. With no child, you can walk anytime you want. With a child, when you leave your wife you are also leaving your child, and you might not want to do that.

I'd hesitate to even have sex with her, because what if she "forgets" her birth control? If she'll dump on her 8 year old kid, she'll dump on you.

Back out and let the Dad take care of the child, is my advice.

You don't have a bad situation, you have a great situation. You know all you need to know. She gave up too much information, too soon.

Jill
lets see if I have this correct
She doesn't want to be with you
She left for a month
You left and moved to mothers
She ditched her 8 yo son
Well you have a problem,this girl needs help and the sooner she gets it the better ( my opinion) you don't say what it was like 6 months ago ,was everything good?
I wish you both luck