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New Member: Struggling to cope with Family-In-Law drama.

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Posted 4/19/2017 5:13 AM (GMT -5)
Hi all,

I really need someone to talk to.

I'm really struggling to cope with one person in my In-Law's family. From the day I came on the scene she had it in for me, for reasons still unexplained. I didn't stand a chance. She went behind my back mocking me, spreading fabricated rumours, lies and general nastiness to family members and friends and I've spent the past 6 years trying to control and repair the damage done. I feel like I'm getting nowhere, that I'm completely drowning, constantly trying to defend myself from the latest accusation.

It's all I think about, in my head I'm constantly having imaginary conversations with her, on more than one occasion I've found myself SCREAMING out loud at her while driving my car, or in the shower. I'm honestly worried for my mental health. I can't sleep, I can't eat and on the worst days I cannot lift my head out of bed. I cry in work, I just cannot cope at all and it's getting worse.

In the past when I've tried to confront her, she laughs. She mocks me. Tells me I'm playing the victim. Makes light of my hurt, explains her actions away by saying I'm "too sensitive" and she was "only joking". I avoid her company but as she is family, sometimes we have to be in the same room. This weekend was one of those occasions and while we managed to be civil by mostly keeping out of each others way, I discovered her zooming in on a photo of me I uploaded on social media, mocking my appearance with another girl. When I confronted them, it of course turned into a screaming match. Accused me of making it all up (It was 100% true) and accused me for "always causing trouble in the family". Every situation where she is nasty to me gets twisted to make it look like I'm making it up.

It's bullying. It's 100% bullying. And I don't know what to do.

I love my husband, I love his family and I want nothing more than to be accepted by them. She keeps putting doubt in their minds, making them choose sides. I cannot compete. I want to move on with my life, to start my own family, to be happy, but I am not mentally in the right place. Sometimes I think it would be better if I left, if I wasn't there. I broke down the other night, crying to my husband that it's all my fault, that I'm tearing his family apart - even though I know in my heart it isn't me. My thoughts are getting darker.

How can I get control? How can I cope with this? I know that she is just one person and I have so many family members and friends that love me. I know I am not a bad person. I know all this. I just cannot get this out of my head and I cannot get back to normal. I'm sick to death of talking to my husband and friends about it. I'm obsessing. She doesn't care about it half as much as I do, so why am I drowning in this and she is carrying on with her life as normal?

Can anyone help? Please? cry
Posted 4/19/2017 8:37 AM (GMT -5)
Raw, welcome to the forum.

You have my empathy for sure. I will you a few suggestions but first for MENTAL HEALTH you have to focus on you. Self-compassion!

If you had a dear friend in the same situation, what would you say? Don't you deserve the same advice?

We can never control what people do and/or say just is not possible. HOWEVER, we can control how we react to this behavior.

Getting upset. Crying, furious, mad, yelling has not worked for you. I dare say this is 'wanted' response'

So why torture, yourself? You know the truth, if someone spread a rumor that you were the color purple, in time it would be proven wrong with little or.no effort

The same goes for you situation. Lies are lies and will be brought to the light eventually. This woman is doing the same thing to others with out a doubt!

If you choose courage, not to react. Only respond with curteous kindness something will happen eventually. She wiil become frustrated.

If hubby does not defend you, well I suggest a cool non-violent conversation in private to get straighten out.

I hope you try this, it worked in my situation with in 3 months, and I only see my MIL once a month, even though I live 1 mile away.

Peace and strength
TRINA
Posted 4/19/2017 9:00 AM (GMT -5)
Thank you. So much. Sometimes it just helps to hear that someone is on your side, especially when you feel like the world is against you.

My husband is a wonderful support thankfully but I am riddled with guilt that this is tearing his family apart. I hate to see them struggle with the situation. No one wants to show support for either of us in the effort to remain neutral which leaves me feeling alone, doubted and like she's getting away with her slander every single time, with no repercussions even when she's been proven to be lying.

The responsibility of the fact that if I wasn't there they'd all be fine is more than I can take sometimes. Even though I haven't done anything wrong. It's a confusing and complex feeling.

I just want to do the right thing.
Posted 4/19/2017 9:38 AM (GMT -5)
Do your best to avoid her. Sounds like she is jealous.

Trina is right, try not to react, though I know that is easier said than done. People like her want a reaction, don't give it to her.

Keep your head held high and know you are not the one tearing the family apart, if anyone is, it is her.

Hang in there and know we are here for you. People like this are very unhappy. Normal people don't go around hurting others. She has a problem.

Welcome to the depression forum.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 4/19/2017 9:41 AM (GMT -5)
Thank you! I honestly feel better already. It really does help to get some perspective from people not involved in the situation, I'm so glad I found this forum blush
Posted 4/19/2017 11:13 AM (GMT -5)
Hi Rawcher and welcome to Heeling Well.

Along with the above advice, I would recommend that you ask your
husband to join you in a few sessions with a psychologist. If the two
of you offer your views on the situation and it's impact ( usually a
psychologist will see one spouse for half a session and then the other spouse for half a session) after a few sessions the three of you
may have a chat, with the psychologist offering his/her unbiased
opinion as to how to handle the situation.

This method can be an excellent way to get to the bottom of a situation such as yours, and nobody feels any guilt.

My speculation is that this person would treat any female who is
partnered with your husband the same way she is treating you. But
a psychologist can go beyond speculation and release all the tension
and grief you are feeling.

I offer this as just anouther method that you can use to get back to being happy. I highly endorse it.

Take care and post whenever you like.

Very best regards,
Derwood
Posted 4/19/2017 4:13 PM (GMT -5)
I'm sorry to hear what you've been experiencing.

What does your husband say? To you? To her? Is she the older sibling or younger? Perhaps she had hoped to hook him up with one of her friends. Perhaps she is trying to punish him by persecuting you.

Try to get some time with the rest of the family, so they will see you. Then, her insinuations won't hold up.

My ex husband tried to turn our son against me. What my son heard from his father didn't match up with what our son experienced when he was with me. He made up his own mind to believe what he experienced first hand instead of the lies he was being told.
Posted 4/19/2017 7:42 PM (GMT -5)
Do you live in the same house with her?

What does you husband say about you being bullied by one of his relatives?

Is it a law that you have to go around her? My grown son has been coming after me for the 7 years after his mother (and my wife) died of a long illness. I mean, really trying to hurt me.

When I found that out, I quit having anything to do with him. It's been almost 4 months now and I have had no contact with him, and he lives right here in town.

She gets the right to treat you like a dog, and you get the right never to go into her presence again. If your husband can't stand up for you, how about standing up for yourself?

That's just my opinion.

OK, that's them, what about you? You say,

"It's all I think about, in my head I'm constantly having imaginary conversations with her, on more than one occasion I've found myself SCREAMING out loud at her while driving my car, or in the shower. I'm honestly worried for my mental health. I can't sleep, I can't eat and on the worst days I cannot lift my head out of bed. I cry in work, I just cannot cope at all and it's getting worse."

I use to scream at my refridgerator when I came home from work after a rough day.

I was later diagnosed as bipolar, put on medicines. And I can assure you, my life and those of the people around me, is much better.

We can get to concentrating too much on the people around us, that we forget that we may have some problems.

I know, you don't think you have any problems, I didn't either. But I did. I know, it's hard to see our own part in this.

Might go to net search engine, type in bipolar, call up a sight and see if you have any of the signs of that. Just a suggestion.

You can also get evaluated by a psychiatrist, just to see what he or she thinks. You don't have to take any meds. Seeing problems within ourselves is very difficult. I didn't for many years, and I paid the price.

Let us know how this is going.
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