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eleven years

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Posted 7/12/2017 5:42 PM (GMT -5)
i've been posting here for eleven years, and i'm still depressed. feeling really low. just returned from a vacation visiting my parents (3,000 miles away). i'm 30 years old. i should not be thinking "i want my mom" when i get sad. my boyfriend and i are planning to get married/be with each other for the long term. i really love him with all my heart. i feel badly for pushing my depression on him; he self-harmed in the past. feeling really disjointed. eleven years. i've been posting for eleven years, and nothing has gotten better.
Posted 7/12/2017 5:51 PM (GMT -5)
Don't sell yourself short. You've managed to cope for eleven years. You've managed to find a life partner. You've navigated some of the toughest years in most people's lives. You've made a future for yourself, and have loved with your whole heart.

Sounds pretty good to me.

You're sad. You're depressed. You've made it through this before and you'll make it through this again. Breathe deep. Have a cocktail. Watch a sappy movie. Cry your eyes out. Do whatever it is that helps you reconnect with every part of you, not just the depressed part.

And for god's sake, *STOP* selling yourself short.

You've lived with this crap disease for eleven years. Celebrate your strength. You deserve it.
Posted 7/12/2017 6:44 PM (GMT -5)
thanks, F27. you're right. i do need to stop selling myself short. it's just that this *is* such a crap disease!!! it's not fair. wish i could see more light at the end of the tunnel!!! don't want to drink a cocktail, as i am weary of relying on alcohol; might watch a sappy movie.
Posted 7/13/2017 1:00 AM (GMT -5)
I am glad you aren't drinking that cocktail. In reality it just makes you more depressed as alcohol is a depressant.

Yes, don't sell yourself short. F27 is right, you have managed for 11 years and that is something to be proud of!!!

Movies are a good distraction. I like comedies. Sit coms are nice because they are short and I don't get bored.

I hope that you feel better soon. Kudos to you!!!

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/13/2017 5:35 PM (GMT -5)
it just feels so pointless sometimes. if i am hurting so badly, and clearly have been for such a long time - how do i know it gets better? i've tried to tell myself that it will. i've watched dan savage's videos that tell me "it gets better" (i'm not gay, but it makes me feel better sometimes) ... i just feel hopeless. i shouldn't be 30 and thinking "i want my mom"...
Posted 7/13/2017 6:05 PM (GMT -5)
I am 56 years old and still want my mom when I feel bad, emotionally or physically ill. Just sayin...it's not such a bad thing to feel.
Posted 7/13/2017 6:36 PM (GMT -5)
Perspective, BlueMoon878. Nobody feels good all the time, but us depressed people, oy gevalt, when we're down, we're really down. Most people know that their low moods are transitory, but no, we people with depression have ourselves convinced that it's the end of the world.

Here's what gets me through the lows. There are three things that are very important in my life: my wife, my job, and my friends. I know, at least in the case of the first two, that I make a difference. I hold in my mind that I have a definable purpose for the days/weeks/months/years it takes for me to start thinking right again. In other words, if my brain doesn't want me to exist just for me, I'll bridge that time by existing for someone else.

Remember, it's not the end of the world BlueMoon878, it just feels like it. ;-)
Posted 7/14/2017 3:03 PM (GMT -5)
F27 has made some very powerful and positive points in the two posts above. Yes, you have made it through perhaps one of the most troubling times of your life. And you have managed to find a life partner whom you say you love with all your heart. And please, please realize that HE MOST LIKELY DEPENDS UPON YOU. Would you want to take that away from him? Send him back to his old ways? No. That makes you a POSITIVE power in his life. Would that not give your life purpose? Something to be proud of? Something to live for.

Eleven years. Hmmm... so you've been coming here since you were nineteen... a TEENAGER. Perhaps it is time to not only recognize the VALUE of your life, and the contribution that you bring to the lives of those around you. I don't mean to be blunt, but your parents won't be around forever. You want your mom. You want the security that home brings, and the comfort of your friends here, to tell you all that you have going for you.

I recently had a shocking revelation. At a family gathering, it suddenly occurred to me that I - little old me, am now the ELDER of our family. Everyone older than me is now gone. It had never hit me before, and the unspoken responsibility that was now upon me seemed unreal. And that's how life is. You struggle just to get thru one more day. You do those things that you have to do to get by. You do a few things that you like to do, and dream of the things you wish you could do. And before you know it, you're more than halfway thru that life and wonder where it went.

Some of us grew up with the likes of Joni Mitchell to tell us about these things in song. Don't waste your life wishing you could live it... you are!
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