(Temporary?) Resurgence of Depression

Hello,

Normally I am in the anxiety/panic forum, but feel like this particular subgroup would be a good outlet for some current issues I am facing.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for over 10 years now. While anxiety has always been more prevalent in my life and more of a concern, depression has always been in the background, lingering over me. I was on Zoloft 100mg for 10 years, and have been weaning off for the past 7ish months. I wanted to wean because I felt like I was at a really great point in my life and felt on top of the world. However, I am at 12.5mg now and have done a complete 180 with anxiety, and now, depression.

I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears, and I just feel hopeless. I moved out of my childhood home, my most sacred, safe, and treasured space, 9 months ago because my mother wanted to lease it out while she moved in with her boyfriend to see if it would be a permanent fit for her. I moved into a small 1 bedroom apartment about 7 minutes away, and in the beginning it was a blast. I loved decorating and being responsible for my own space. I was really starting to feel like an adult (I'm 25). But lately, I feel myself missing my house more than ever. Or at least the safety I felt while in that house. There is such an emotional connection I have to it, that not being there, and knowing that my mom may potentially sell it, breaks my heart. It is a huge connection to my childhood. My apartment doesn't feel like home.

I used to be incredibly close with my mother, but now we only see each other every so often. We are both in relationships and living in separate households and I'm adjusting to this new aspect of our relationship.

In addition to this, my father has just recently gone into escrow with his home, which has also been a large connection to my childhood (his house was my grandparents').

There is a possibility I may be moving to TX in January as well for business.

I just feel like I'm loosing parts of who I am and what I hold most important and it scares me, and saddens me deeply.

I don't know if this has a lot to do with the SSRI decrease, but now that I'm off my Zoloft everything just feels so raw and I'm wondering if I made the right decision. I wanted to be medication free, but did I make a huge mistake?

HUGS, BluesMama. Your feelings are understandable. You are "grieving." Now might not be the best time to go off of the Zoloft IMO. Do you have a counselor you can meet with short term while you adjust to these changes?

Wow.

Memories are flooding back.

When I separated from my abusive husband, I returned to my childhood home. "Safe, secure, familiar."

My divorce was finalized. Two days later, my mother died. The house was to be sold and the proceeds divided among the heirs.

No parents. No husband. No home. Cut loose completely...no 'anchor' whatsoever. Terrifying!

Strangely, whenever my brother comes to visit at my present place, he says he feels like he's in "Mommy's house". Keep in mind, there is only one piece of furniture from there that I have kept, so that's not what makes him say it. I think it's the clutter and the dust! ha ha ha!

I've been here, in this place, for 17 years now...not my first place since that terrible day...and I still don't feel 'at home'. I think somehow, I'm afraid to 'settle in', afraid that it will make it 'real', that I am never going back.

I've been in 'that house' since. Since the house flippers changed everything, since new owners bought it. It's not the same in any way. Not in appearance, not in configuration, not in essence. It's not my 'home' anymore. Will I always feel 'adrift'? Who knows?

For the first time, I think I've figured out what 'decorating style' I like and will 'settle on'. Progress, however slow, is till progress.

perfect sense. keep strong blu, sending healing thoughts to you.