Had a realisation why mindfulness doesn't work for me

I am so sorry for your pain. Honestly when you are focused on your pain, you aren't thinking of all the millions of things going on in your mind. I feel that is being mindful. You are focusing on the now.

Mindfulness does help me a little with pain because it goes to the back ground. But my pain is not nearly as severe as yours is. I really think you are in a way doing it. Focus on the here and now.

I am sorry you are struggling with depression too. We all have our own ailments but I think sharing helps. Because we understand each other.

Hang in there NCOT. It takes time and some work. But you never know what is lying around the next corner. May be something good. I hope...

Hugs, Karen...

Just realize that the way we see ourselves isn't always the same way others see us. If that matters. I saw a pic of you a few years ago. I don't think you are hideous. Learning to love ourselves is the key. To accept ourselves for who we are. I do know we see our own faults and I think we magnify them in our minds. Especially if we compare ourselves to others. I try so hard not to do that. Though I am almost 60 and normally I don't care. But it happens. Just remember you are a beautiful person. Inside and out.

Looking at the positives becomes hard too. We see only the negatives. I realized that with my memories, I remember bad things, not good things. I wonder why that is?

Yeah, I think therapy really helps. Years ago there was a site moodgym. I don't know if it is still there but check it out. I heard it was good. Like I say, I don't know if it still exists. I think it was kind of like therapy. Maybe a work book or something.

I hope you feel better. I hope that talking to your friend helped you. Sometimes just getting things out make it better. No matter how bad we feel.

I hear motorcycles today. I guess with the nice weather. We still have snow but not on the roads. I live on a corner and every one likes to burn rubber there. Squeal their tires. I hate it.

Have a good rest of the day NCOT.

Hugs, Karen...

I am up at 4:00 am. Not unusual though. I go back to bed usually for a couple of hours.

You are a very intelligent person. Your personality has come a long way on here (depression). Not that it was bad, but you seemed so sad. I have read some of your posts on other forums and you do strike me as very, very intelligent. I think you are finding your way to expressing yourself very well. You know a lot about your ailments. And you share with others. And you are honest. I hope you can understand what I am saying. As I said, it is early and my brain isn't awake yet. Drinking coffee to help that.

I only remember the bad things I guess. I need to search my brain and try to remember good things. They escape me. I would appreciate the article if it isn't any trouble. Thanks...

I hope you have a good day today. It is suppose to be sunny again here. Yay... Hope you slept good last night...

Take care,

Hugs, Karen...

Hey Karen.

I'm depressingly often awake until 4am and beyond. It's not by choice; I just find it very hard to fall asleep. That said, last night I did manage to sleep thankfully. It was highly disturbed and fitful, but any sleep is a lot better than no sleep.

Thank you! I feel like me being good with words makes me seem more intelligent than I really am sometimes, but I do appreciate the compliment. And you were right about the sadness: that's quite perceptive, I think.

I did a google search on remembering bad things - I was surprised by how much stuff came up. I can't remember if this was the article I read or not, but here is one article on the subject of negative events being more memorable.

/www.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/your-money/why-people-remember-negative-events-more-than-positive-ones.html

If you do a google search for "remembering bad things more than good" or "negativity bias", more links will come up - negativity bias is the technical term for it. I'm glad I have learnt about this, as it actually vindicates my unhappy memories. My mum used to accuse me of hanging onto the past, of "choosing" to remember the bad stuff instead of the good. And, indeed, I used to feel like there was something wrong with me for not being able to simply forget the past and move on. But now I realise my mum was wrong and science was right - hah!

I did have quite a good day, thanks. I know you like gardening, so you might appreciate these photos I took today. I wouldn't follow me on Twitter unless you like anti-Brexit rants, but I do occasionally post similar photos, if you check my Twitter photos. I don't have my own garden, so I appreciate Lindengate (where I took these photos) even more.

/twitter.com/mirandoch/status/988527855234666497

Hugs :p

@Andy - Agreed with you about mindfulness being more helpful for anxiety: I've noticed that too. It seems somewhat easier to rationalise your way out of an anxious mood than a depressed one. For example, I have a tendency to dread appointments beforehand, but I know from long experience that most of the time when I actually go the appointment it's not as bad as I was worrying about. From that, I've managed to reduce the dread, if not eliminate it entirely.

I find worrying about the further away future a bit harder to deal with, eg Brexit, the NHS, switching over to Universal Credit, and other stuff. Can't really tell myself it's going to be okay, because I wouldn't be worried if I thought it was all going to turn out splendidly. I try not to dwell on it too much, because I don't have any control over those things and there isn't any point.

Yeah, it's the morning now - just had a shower and now having a cup of tea before I leave for an eye check up in 10 minutes :p I can't drive to this one in case they use dilating drops, which is a bit of a pain. It's about a half hour walk.

Agreed about anxiety and depression going hand in hand: it does for me.

I used to watch The big Bang Theory in my mum's room sometimes, as she always had the TV on as background, even if she was reading (she could read through a heavy metal concert probably). I liked it, especially the earlier series before it started going downhill a bit.

Okay, laters folks :p

NCOT, just want to say that I've been down to the level you describe and it's the worst! Then, the challenge of knowing I 'have to' tell someone but their reaction to it could create more chaos! Feel free to e-mail me if you need to unload.

I also 'get' the dismorphic disorder. I worked with a therapist about my surgical scars. Now, if I could just apply all that I've learned to my 'aging', too! I've always been 'short', freckles, unruly hair...at least the braces came off my teeth, but now I'm losing them at a frightening pace. To 'compensate' I 'focused on my strengths' and unfortunately came off as a 'know it all' and have been told I am 'intimidating'. Can't win!

I'm blessed with a friend that 'puts up with' my know-it-allness. I catch myself and apologize and she just grins at me.

I too have a brain that won't shut down. My counselor thought I was misdiagnosed as 'just' depressed. The fact that my body won't 'comply' with mania shouldn't prevent a proper diagnosis of it. My brain seems to 'need' a problem to work out in order to be 'satisfied'. This being so, I joined a Tenant's Rights Committee that meets once a month where renters can bring any issues they may be having with neighbors or Landlords. The 'committee' then tries to come up with a workable solution to the problem. Usually, this means I come home and get into researching. The new problem is...after years of doing this, I pretty much don't have to 'research' anymore!

New things present...anything for my brain to 'chew on'...otherwise, I'm back to sleepless nights and a racing mind. I'll take anything...tangled jewelry, medical mysteries, some sort of 'puzzle' to be solved. I wish I could work jigsaw puzzles...but with 7 cats and 2 tail wagging big dogs, there is no way!

Hopefully, you will find something that will truly occupy your mind that will be beneficial!

I had a pretty good day NCOT,

I stayed pretty busy between cleaning and making burritos. They turned out pretty good. I was happy.

It was cloudy and damp all day here. It started to rain but didn't. It is going to be colder tomorrow and most likely rain. I just hope no ice.

I hope you have a good night and I hope that the amitriptyline helps you sleep good. I, like you, don't like medications that leave me groggy. Some make you feel like you have a hang over. Yuck...

Take care...

Hugs, Karen...

I am glad you slept well. I understand about the grogginess. It sucks... Maybe a cup of tea.

I hope you made it to Lindengate on time.

Have a great day!!!

Hugs, Karen....

Origami sounds fun. And the paper pots sound like the way to go. It sounds like you enjoyed your day, that is cool. I have some re-arranging to do in my garden. I need to move some shorter flowers to a spot where they get more sun. I thought that they would be taller than they were. Now my grapevine is shading it out. Didn't even think of that when I planted them. Oh well, we live and learn I guess.

I hope that your phone call with your mum goes well. Remember you can always hang up.

I hope you have a good night again.

Hugs, Karen...

@Karen - Yeah, I enjoyed the origami. It taxed my brain a bit though >_>. It's surprising how sturdy pots made solely out of newspaper are though. Watering doesn't make them disintegrate either.

@Trina - I know doctors are cutting off patients' pain relief everywhere and I find it despicable. I'd rather all drugs were decriminalised than have this current situation where the only people who profit from the (failed) war on drugs are criminals making a fortune.

What about medical marijuana? Is that legal in your state?

For me I usually find lying in certain positions helps to relieve some of the pain and pressure in my guts. Placing something warm on my stomach can be soothing too. For the eye and headache pains, ibuprofen knocks that on the head - although I shouldn't really take ibuprofen with Crohn's disease...

Thank you; the same back to you.

Basil cinnamon.

Not really, nothing which helps. Stomach pain seems to be amazingly hard to target with regular painkillers and I wouldn't get really strong stuff like oxycodone - in fact I'd be lucky to get co-codamol (combination paracetamol and codeine). There's no government-mandated crackdown on prescribing of painkillers in the UK, but there isn't any need for one, as GPs already deny you access to anything which might actually work.

I've had better days tbh :/ But at least it's been better than last night, where I didn't get any sleep.

Hope you are having a pleasant weekend so far. Oh wait, it's Friday. I keep on thinking it's Saturday <_<.

I have a yoga head stand bench, in reality it is a shoulder stand, it is shaped in U. padded and your head hangs down.

Once I got myself into alignment and and my core became a bit strong I can stay up for 4 min, even do a small stillness meditation.

This helps stretch out my neck and upper verts. It works ok. Gets rid of the "grinding sound" when I turn my head. Perhaps it will get better

I have an appointment with my neuro on 5/13. Ins just turned down a great new nasal med, because I can "tolerate" the once I use now. @#$%^&. So I will if you will recommend MM. He is part of a pain mgmnt group, so I just have to walk down the hall. After a 4mon wait. Is was it is.

Still to jumpy with weather here to plant

Karen, I hope you pain level is less. Tell you what, I would be digging into resources.

I am actually pondering the idea of asking a few people I know to have a conversation with me.
Government is pushing me to it. So

Well any way. Time to go snuggle and read with the dogs.

Peace you guys