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I feel so horrible... and so guilty...

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Posted 10/12/2009 12:31 PM (GMT -5)
I haven't even been here in a few months... but right now I feel terrible and I have no one to talk to.

I have been on Celexa for depression for well over a year (this time).  Recently, due to a mix-up with my insurance company, I was without it for about 4 or 5 days (I can't even remember clearly).  It threw me so off that I can't even remember a lot of what I did for those few days.  It was really frightening.  I have had my meds for a few days now, but I still don't feel right. 

One night, I sent my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who he is still friends with, a really mean message.  I barely even remember writing it... only vaguely.  When I saw later that I had sent it, I was so humiliated that I deleted it right away.  But, needless to say, she contacted him about it, he is upset, and wants to know what it said.  I can't even remember, and I don't have the message anymore.  I'm sure he probably doesn't believe me.  Ever since I found out that he went out with this girl behind my back one night, I have been unreasonably upset with her... even before that, I couldn't stand her, and honestly couldn't figure out why.  I'm so humiliated.  I am not the type of person to hate people, or to do or say mean things to them.  I don't know how to handle this.  I feel like saying I'm sorry just doesn't cut it anymore.  This is the third time that me disliking this girl has almost ruined our (otherwise great) relationship.  I don't even know how to explain how miserable I feel about myself. 

I know the medications I am on affect me, and I often feel like they affect my mood negatively, but I cannot make excuses for my actions.  I have used this as an explanation for ways that I have acted and things that I have done before, and I feel like I just can't keep doing it anymore.  I feel like I can't face how ashamed I am of myself.  I can't stop crying.  I can't even look in the mirror.  I'm on the verge of losing my job because of bad attendance, on the verge of not having a place to live, because I live at my boyfriend's house.  I just have no idea what to do. 

The other day, I was driving and out of nowhere I started to feel extremely light-headed and faint.  I got pulled over by the police as I was trying to head home, because I had started to run off the road twice.  I only got a warning from the police officer, but I don't know why this happened either.  At that point that day, I hadn't even taken any medications (I take all my usual ones at night).  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I just want to disappear.  I am so tempted just to start packing up my things and leave here, because I don't even think I can look at my boyfriend again after what I've done.  There's no way to fix this...

Posted 10/12/2009 1:56 PM (GMT -5)
I believe that if you don't take your medications regularly, you are going to have bouts of depression and unhealthy behavior. When you take your meds, does everything work out? Why are you missing work. Know that it is hard to find a job right now and your attendance could get you fired. Then you would really be in a pickle. Maybe you should apologize to your boyfriend and his ex. Let them know that you were out of meds and didn't mean what you did. Then put it behind you and move forward. I hope that this helps some.

Best wishes,

Karen
Posted 10/12/2009 6:35 PM (GMT -5)

Hi there, I agree with the advice Karen gave you and am going to give you some links to online sites that can help with your feelings of unhappiness: 

Relaxation thread

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=759232 

ZEN for Everyday Living

https://www.healingwell.com/library/anxiety/article.asp?author=hoang&id=1 

Free CBT Online/MoodGYM 

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

E-couch Online, free

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

I hope you stay with us, but maybe check some of these sites out for additional help.

All the best,

Maz XX

Posted 10/12/2009 8:30 PM (GMT -5)
Hi!
I agree with Maz & Karen. I know a lot of people love the MoodGym website.

I would add that if there are more than 15 people employed by your employer, tell your boss right away about your diagnosis. Assuming you live in the US, there are laws that protect people with disabilities -- that includes individuals with diagnosed mental illnesses that severely limit or impair their ability to perform work. They are required to make reasonable modifications. These can include: getting up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave with no danger of losing your position [you must have worked for at least 12 months at least 30 hours/week prior to the leave]. They may have to provide you with a more flexible schedule, ability to call your counselor during the work day, modified workspace, aids to help you with work, etc.

I know from my own experience that the last thing anybody wants to do is tell their boss they are clinically depressed, but if you are about to lose your job anyways, maybe it's worth the risk. The one caveat is that you must tell your boss about your disability before s/he tells you that you are losing your job. Your boss must keep it confidential & must store any records of your disability separately from your regular employee file. You do not need to provide any additional information beyond a letter from a licensed doctor that you are impaired to the point of disability. Your doctor/counselor may be able to help you come up with ideas for what kinds of modifications might make doing your job more manageable. The on-line Job Assistance Network also has some ideas. If there is no way you can go to work, apply for FMLA protection. At least you will continue receiving medical benefits & you job is protected [assuming there is not a routine Reduction in Force].

I do really want to encourage you to try to find another form of transportation. Driving in that state sounds very dangerous. I don't know what's available in your area, but you might try calling the Department of Human Services. A friend of mine has horrible depression & she gets reduced cost taxi rides that are subsidized by the state. I think it might at least be worth looking into. There also are ride sharing programs in a lot of areas so maybe you could get a ride with someone else & share the cost of gas. Just a few ideas. Please stay safe both for you & for everyone else on the road. Driving is so super dangerous even when you are healthy, happy & wide awake. It really worries me that you are struggling just to stay on the road. I'm glad that nothing bad has happened so far. I just hope you will find a way to stay safe in the future.

As for the ex, I guess I have a different view on it. It doesn't seem unreasonable to me that you ask your boyfriend to stop seeing her. I guess that's something for the two of you to work out between you. Maybe he can agree not to see her. I don't know. Have you asked him?

Take care & let us know how we can support you.


blessings,
frances
Posted 10/13/2009 6:53 AM (GMT -5)
wishing you the best. i went seven days without all my meds whilst my gf at the time was in hosp. my meds and scripts were 300k's away. man i lost the plot, no money, food etc. was awake nearly a week. even the local hosp could not help. was sleeping, more like resting in the car. got so bad, vagueing out that i could not read street signs. keep with your meds if you can, all the best. jamie

dx, mdd, severe borderline personality.

Posted 10/13/2009 7:38 AM (GMT -5)
I do not think it is "unreasonable" to be upset with someone, if they went out with an ex without your knowledge.  Just try to remember she is the "ex" for a reason and you are the "now".  Getting your meds out of whack is never a good thing.  I have high anxiety and I have the tendancy to just stop taking them when I feel really well, then I hit bottom and have to start over.  See what you can do to safeguard yourself from running out again.  Make today a new day with a new attitude, learn from the past and forgive yourself.........we all make mistakes.

 

Gem

Posted 10/16/2009 8:03 PM (GMT -5)
hi i also agree that you have done nothing wrong in regards to your boyfriends ex. From the way u have explained the situation,i believe that they are doing wrong not YOU!! Please dont be so hard on ur self as i just makes ur problems so much worse. Take ur med's on time get into a routine and yes also look into getting some sort of disability to cover you at your workplace. Please stay safe and look after YOU!! and stop worrying about the "EX" she's not worth it ok. Hope u have a good day/night...... beverley-rose-bud40. :)))
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