my story

my first time posting in this forum, iv been posting in the crohn's forum for a while. I think depression is starting to get to me. I thought I just had the winter blues for a while, but the weather is warming up and im not feeling any different. I blame my crohn's partially, im tired of being sick all the time. My crohns' isnt horrible right now, but enough that it effects my ability to live a normal lifestyle.

I also blame the job I have for the way I feel. Im not really allowed to talk about my job specifically, but its kind of a customer service oriented job, where I have to be around alot of people everyday, and usually the people I have to interact with arent happy to see me. Its a very stressful job, as I dont really consider myself a people person. Id rather work by myself or with just a few people. I need the job for my health insurance though.

I feel like im just going through the motions day after day. I dont have any friends outside of work. The ones at work dont know what im going through cause when people ask me how im doing, i just say" fine" or "not bad". any negative repsonse to that question always results in questions, and I dont like talking about my feelings. I cant even talk to my family, ive shut them out. I havent seen any of them since last November, spent christmas and new years by myself. I think its just I dont feel I can handle their questions and judging me.

Im at a lose as where to go from here, I dont like living this way, I hardly feel as if im living at all. Just doing enough to keep myself going, theres no fun in my life at all. Work ,eat, sleep, repeat.

 Hi JustcallmeD, I too have that same feeling of not wanting to go on through another day. Feeling Idefeated before even starting my day.In bed saying to myself why why why me????? Being stuck in another state 3,000 miles away from my daughter and my grandson. Living with a control freak mother who treats me like i'm a toddler. up in my life constantly. No privacy, no boundries, can't have friends over because most of the neighbors have had bad confrontations with my mom over a course of 30 years in the same community. Having to ask permission to do everything. Heaven forbid i go out and come in after 10pm, treated as if my own self respect would not allow me to make any wrong moves to compramize my health.In the meantime her health is failing and trying to show sympathy towards her is very difficult for me. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic mother. Now I know what my father had to put up with all his life.He passed in 92 of liver cancer. My 2 older brothers love our mom., but just hate being around her. We were each affected in our lives by her gnarly behaivor. I worked 3 jobs to keep a roof over my head, but because of my illness, unable to work yet, so my days are long with her. At least you get out, have your job. I know how hard it is to work with the public, I waitressed for 25 years. But it's in my nature to be a people pleaser. After all who wants to be waited on by an evil witch. So on went my smiles just until i got out of work. Then like you I would go home and not want to socialize with anyone. except to help my daughter with my grandson. That was my healing heart. To be loved by a grandchild is the best thing that ever happened to me. Luckily they will be coming to visit in July. That's my reason to wake.To keep on going.Telling myself the words from others to try and think of this as just a transision and permenant.Somedays it's really hard to wrap my head around that. So I've started walking, walking, and pet sitting for some neighbors. Try and tell yourself you are worth more to the world than you think. A smile or a hello sometimes is all someone else needs to make they're day. I believe you get what you give. I know you mentioned you don't like talking about yourself to coworkers, but actually it's more theraputic then you think. Good luck to you, your not alone. Since i have been on this forum it truely helps to get it out. No judgements just alot of positive feed back. Keep smiling, it's addicting.Have a great day.Susan

Hello justcallmeD

Welcome to the depression forum and I am happy to see you take advantage of this awesome forum.

I have a hubby with Crohn's and I know how a chronic illness can certainly cause both anxiety and depression.  Living with Crohn's is a real challenge and you do sound like you are having issues with depression.

I would start with your PCP and tell him exactly how you are feeling.  Perhaps some therapy would help you work through these feelings.  I see a therapist for my own problems with depression and that is the one place you can really say how you feel without being judged or trying to explain your feelings to others who don't understand the disorder.

I am sure your husband loves you and is frustrated in how to help you therefore he is reacting.  My husband has done this exact thing and it makes me feel guilty until I remember that guilt is a wasted emotion.

Take care and we are here for you.

Kindly,

Kitt