update

Thanks for the tips re. mood stabilizers. I plan on sending him the info. when he is in a decent mood. (That sentence is ironic isn't it!)

Maggie, that is so how I have felt for years - trapped because I didnt' know how I would support myself and any money I had tried to save he sucked up one way or another.

Now, we finally have a decent place to live in and all I want is to leave. This past year there were two occasions where I would have left then and there had we not been in the house building crisis. I actually called my Mom to go 'visit' just to get away from him. I asked if she had room for me and she said "No, the cat has the back room now." She is old in years and didn't mean anything by it, but wow, she was not in touch with what I was really asking for - a safe place to run.

Husband was decent till mid afternoon. Annoying, but not a you know what. Then he started his ranting at around 5 pm. I told him to just stay away from me again. What saddens me is how it is affecting me. Sometimes I yell at him. That is not who I am.

Anyway, sorry for going on so. YOu must have good self control Maggie as you don't rant near as much as I do.

I keep telling myself God can make something good come from the mistake of marrying him and I do believe that. I'm just still waiting to see it. I was about to leave in 2005, and didn't. Wish I would have. But at the same time, if I'd had left I would be less equipped than I am now to avoid people like him in the future.

So he just came and was trying to be all nice and wanting to 'understand.' I suggest that it is no use talking because talking to him is like talking to a boomerang and he blames everything on me. His response? "Are YOU always perfect." Lol! Talk about proving the point.

Anyway, enough about him.

I still hope and pray the future will be better. I do believe it will.

Thanks for listening guys. If I were alone I don't know how I'd cope. Well, I would pray like anything...but you know, many years I was alone. Had no friends when we moved, no family to turn to etc. If I did, I likely would have left by now. But I have God. I have my online friends. And I have hope.

love, embers

Post Edited (manyembers) : 11/7/2011 8:37:47 PM (GMT-7)

I am so sorry that it is such a rough time...it is so hard to go thru "I should have I could have" cause we didn't but it is hard not to think that way.

My h is doing ok right now or I would be out-ranting you embers-lol. Besides, that is what we are here for-to listen when our loved ones don't get it!!!

I keep thinking some good will come of this, that he and I will reach some peace and resolution, become good friends at least.

Mine say the same thing to me"Like, you don't have any problems. You're more screwed up than I am" and I say "I wasn't before I met you" and we keep hurting each other. He won't go to counseling so...I keep going for me

And being here with you all makes it all a little better..

I have to go, my dtr says a friend of hers is threatening suicide...don't know if it is drama or not!!!

Love you all
Maggie

Hey you two,

Tonight actually turned out really good. I told husband exactly what I thought acc. to how I felt, and somehow the stress lifted. I realized how much stress and pressure I was feeling from the house and his inability to keep up and so the extra burden I was feeling from that. Anyway, I said it like I felt it and suddenly after that it was like we both calmed down. We ended up having hot chocolate and playing cards together! I still don't know how that happened except it must have been inspired!

I have thought of counseling several times actually. It has just been that the house has consumed all our resources basically. But it is something I am keeping in mind. Husband also mentioned it re. the marriage. Tonight gives me some hope at least.

You both have been so wonderful being htere for me, so I can rant and express and share etc. Thank-you for that. Maggie, I had to laugh as I could so have written this! "Like, you don't have any problems. You're more screwed up than I am" and I say "I wasn't before I met you" I don't know how many times I have said "I wasn't like this before I met you." lol!!

Anyway, glad to be able to say tonight was peaceful.

And to actually have a kitchen table to sit at like that...it's like we were living in an allergic, stinkey glorified storage box for the past 3 plus years while waiting for the house. It is amazing to feel like I am living in a home again and not just enduring and blocking out the place I am existing in. Wow.

love, embers

thanks for the care Jamie. I hope your day is a kind one. :0) embers

there is peace in the valley-lol!!

just woke up will come back latLove maggie

peace my brutha-lol

Enjoy your sleep(fingers crossed) and your new chair...I think I am jealous, sitting on 3 cushions in this old piece of poo

Hope, embers that you have a peaceful day...I'm glad I found someone whose living sit. is so close to mine(but sorry you have to go thru it)

Love
Maggie