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My Life, by Beagleman

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Depression
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Posted 12/30/2011 5:05 PM (GMT -5)
Hello all, Having a good time, the hotel I am staying is great, good views, I'm on the 11 floor, nice balcony. I have seen some of the theme parks movie world, seeing sea world today. This is my last day, I will be going home tonight. It has been a good experience. O'k on the negative, felt very lonely yesterday, very jealous of couples kissing, holding hands and I know I should not feel so sad but it was hard. Moving on maybe one day it will be me having a relationship, who knows, I do know something I will never stop trying, Thanks again to all for your support, without it I would not be doing this holiday and trying so hard to beat my depression.
Posted 12/30/2011 6:40 PM (GMT -5)
That will one day be you. You took the words right out of my mouth. Or off the tips of my fingers as I type... Keep up the positive attitude. IF I don't talk to you before, Have a Happy and Healthy New Years... Keep on keeping on Stephen. Your positive attitude will get you there.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/30/2011 8:24 PM (GMT -5)
That will be you someday Stephen. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and never lose hope.
Hope you are enjoying your last day of your trip. Safe travels.
Posted 12/31/2011 6:40 AM (GMT -5)
Hello all, I arrived back home, waiting for new year. Moving on again I plan to go to church tomorrow, first time in many years. I know I will make friends at church and see this as another stepping stone for me. The service goes from 9 to 11.

I did a ropes challenge at a theme park today. You are put in a harness and walk across ropes at heights from 5 to 10 metres. I was very happy to do this as I am afraid of heights.

Today I seen the polar bears, penguins, platypus, sharks, seals, dolphins. This was at one of the theme parks. Look guys i had some enjoyment, I am proud of this, at times still feeling sad seeing couples, but I now know I can keep trying and have so much determination I will succeed. Another asset is I am now open to learning to achieve my goals, and i am willing to accept criticism if it is going to improve me, where before I would think others are judging me. Thanks everyone, I guess I wish I learnt all these things when I was 20 and had a life of enjoyment, but I guess there is nothing productive in thinking about my past mistakes.
Posted 12/31/2011 9:28 AM (GMT -5)
Just keep focussing on the present and future. I am so happy that you are having a great time. Did you take pics? I hope so. You will have many fond memories. Keep up the good work Stephen.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/1/2012 5:21 AM (GMT -5)
Hello karen, I did take a lot of pictures on my holiday and in the most it was an enjoyable experience that will help me build my self esteem. i think the holiday was a major step forward and i now know i can do more holidays and have confidence in doing this.

O'k, I went to church service twice today. It was much different to what i am used to but a good thing I have made new friends. Firstly dave and david, I spoke to these guys thismorning and talked about my holiday. Then I talked with Glen, we spoke for about an hour, he was very empathetic, i spoke to him about my depression, and he spoke about his divorce. I think glen will be a good friend, he is a good listener and also shared with me his experience with the church. I think there is much to be gained from the church about getting friendships. I guess today was a good day despite feeling very depressed at times. Thanks again to all for your encouragement, this has helped me so much.
Posted 1/1/2012 11:32 AM (GMT -5)
This is another milestone for you Stephen. I am glad that you made some friends at church. And I am glad taht you had a great holiday. Things are coming around gradually. That is good. Too fast and it is over whelming. This is a good pace. I am truly happy for you and hope that your new years eve was nice.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/2/2012 10:00 PM (GMT -5)
Hello all, I seen my psychologist Natasha today, she was really impressed with my progress, she said it was great going on the holiday and it has been over 20 years since I had a holiday. I could tell she was happy i had made so much progress since only 2 weeks ago. I am also happy that she is a christian and thought it was a great idea going to church and added I may meet a woman through the church.

Tomorrow, I am looking forward to do kayaking on a river with a group, this should be good, but I will need my hat and sunscrean. I am happy i am taking action and doing things, being confident to take on challenges and improve my self esteem. i know i still have along way to go, I still felt distressed when seeing my psychologist and rejected praise even though I know I have done well. I am happy in the knowledge I can slowly take on more things and build my self esteem which is still very low. I keep a journal and record all my achievements which now are many and I should not be dissappointed, I have tried very hard, faced many challenges, and i have never given up. I will steal from one of jaimies quotes, my will to improve and succeed is unstoppable. Thank you karen and all otthers for your kind words, it has inspired me to keep going forward no matter how much depression I have.
Posted 1/3/2012 1:49 AM (GMT -5)
Beagleman....You have made such leaps and bounds since I started reading your posts. You encourage me to want better from myself. Like Karen says Keep on Keeping on...All the best in 2012 Stephen..I believe this is your year.

Bless you, Amy
Posted 1/3/2012 9:14 AM (GMT -5)
kayaking?! that's AWESOME! I hope you have a great time-- let us know!
Posted 1/3/2012 10:09 AM (GMT -5)
Wow Stephen,

I hope that you have a blast kayaking. And yes, don't forget teh sunscreen and hat. If you can keep the hat on. Put some sunscreen on your head and face just incase...

I am so proud of you!!! I wish I had the energy you have to do all these things. You are really doing good. That is wonderful!!! Keep up the great work. Let us know how everything goes. And yes, you will probably meet a nice lady in church. I think that is a good place to go for companionship.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/5/2012 3:18 PM (GMT -5)
Hello Karen, firstly the kayaking was good, it was very hot about 100 degrees (38 celcius). It was a good day, very nice scenary, and a lovely picnic lunch. Most of the people were english tourists and a couple from Newzealand and all were friendly.

I went to the love coach yesterday and got some advice, she was confident I would get a girlfriend, partner in time. I did some speed dating also, I will know the results of this in about 24 hours. i am quietly confident I will get atleast one reply. Even if I dont I already know I have done much better than previously so i am happy with this result.

Thanks everybody, I am still very passionate to succeed, I will never give up trying, I know this is one of my assets now my extreme determination to move forward. I am also learning to interact better with people, and slowly build my self esteem, I guess i never knew how hard it would be until I started to try and i realised by listening to others that I was very negative and now recognise I can change this. Thanks to all for being wonderfully supportive, I thought I could get better alone, but now I know I need support and friendship i am learning to be a better person and also getting more friends.
Posted 1/5/2012 3:57 PM (GMT -5)
My gosh, I am so happy for you Stephen. Keep up the great work!!! I am glad that your love coach is oprimistic. But remember it does take time. I am happy to read that you are making friends. That is how it all starts. Keep up the incredibly good work!!!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/5/2012 11:43 PM (GMT -5)
Hello Karen, hello all, thanks alot. I did learn through the love coach and i know I have a lot to learn. A lot is about my self esteem, how i project myself. With this in mind I think I will be able to greatly improve my outlook and how others see me.

O'k with the speed dating I did get 2 woman interested which is really good. This does not necessarily transfer to dates but i will contact these woman and see what happens. I feel more confident now to keep improving but I will not relax, I will keep moving forward and know i will be rewarded for my persistance and positive attitude.
Posted 1/6/2012 9:27 AM (GMT -5)
Way to Go Stephen!!! We are all so proud of you. If nothing else you have some friends now. That is a great start. Remember relationships develop in time. You are off to a great path of life. I am so happy for you. Keep on keeping on Stephen. You will get there. You will find somebody to spend your life with.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/8/2012 9:02 PM (GMT -5)
Hello all, went to my church yesterday, I am making more friends through this avenue. During the day i am still feeeling very depressed but know I am improving. Later in the week I may get a date, coffee, I will wait and see. I think i will meet someone throiugh my church as the people there are a lot friendlier than meeting woman on speed dating. i guess now i have made about 6 friends through my church and I think this will be very much part of my life and also I hope my social life. Last year was extremely hard, I am now starting to connect with more people and who knows i may get lucky with a relationship. I guess if trying was an asset, I would be near the top for my efforts, thanks to all for never giving up on me, I will never give up.
Posted 1/9/2012 1:18 AM (GMT -5)
Beagleman....I am so happy that you are making friends and developing more confidence daily. Bless you!

Take care, Amy
Posted 1/9/2012 9:11 AM (GMT -5)
Great news Stephen,

Keep up the good work. You have been so faithful with this, I am sure that something will transpire though this. Even if it is just good friends. But I have this feeling it will be something more eventually.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/9/2012 3:38 PM (GMT -5)
Just had a very bad day. I made a mistake and shared my depression with a friend but this really hurt me. I went back to me 49, zero relationships, no love, no hope, despair. This is very unhelpful.

After i do this post I will pray, refocuss, know that i am worthwhile, use my courage, never give up, and stop crying. Wow, I know my strength is my tenacity, so much stronger than any one I know, to keep going with such despair, I am proud of this. Just writing this post has helped me. My church is starting connect groups in a few weeks, this will help me alot, meeting new people. I know i must be very mindfull of falling back into deep depression as I am on the edge, this forum helps me focus and look for a brighter future. Thanks Karen, and all, your support is wonderful.
Posted 1/9/2012 3:45 PM (GMT -5)
I am glad that you posted and that it made you feel better. I think you have found your center to stay grounded. We all get off track now and then. We learn this way. I have faith that you will be able to stay centered and you will be all right. I hope that the connect groups brings you some good friends and company. Keep on keeping on Stephen... I am proud of you!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/9/2012 11:52 PM (GMT -5)
Hello all, more good news for me today. One of the woman from my speed dating, Flora rang me and would like to go out with me on Friday. This is good, but I am not celebrating as in the past some woman have got cold feet, anyway what ever result it is good for my self esteem. More good news my church rang me, they are running a connect group tonight, this is a sure thing, meet new people and make friends and do some bible study, this is an excellent result. I feel better now I have some positive results and i look forward to my connect group tonight. Thanks Karen, everyone has been supportive during my tough times, I will push ahead and reap the benefit of my hard work.
Posted 1/10/2012 9:07 AM (GMT -5)
Awesome news Stephen. I can't wait to hear how things go. One step at a time...

I am so proud of you!!! Keep on keeping on!!!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/11/2012 12:25 AM (GMT -5)
Hello Karen, I guess I am now starting to think of my ultimate goals. Getting a girlfriend, marriage, etc, I guess what does not fit into the picture is having a family, children. The woman I am speed dating are too old to have children or close to too old. I still have not had a date but I know this is at the back of my mind and maybe if I get a relationship I wont think it is necessary. Hopefully I will have my first date on friday.

My church tells me to trust in god, not to speed date, believe and your prayers will be answered. I would like to agree with this, i guess socialising with the church is a big opportunity at meeting people. I have not met any single woman through the church but I now have over 10 friends and this is only 3 weeks, so there is definatley an avenue to meet more people and maybe I can get a date through friends of the church. I have decided to stop my speed dating after tonight for a while and see how i go with the church and connect groups. I think meeting a christian single would work much better than trying to relate to strangers at speed dating. Thanks Karen, everyone for your kind words, I am open to advice but know I have to make my own decisions.
Posted 1/11/2012 6:00 AM (GMT -5)
You are definately getting there Stephen. Slow and steady I hear wins the race. but explore all options. It doesn't have to be one way or another, you can do both.

I am really proud of your accomplishments. Keep it up...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/11/2012 9:11 PM (GMT -5)
Hello Karen, hello to all, today I feel extremely depressed. I had a few triggers for my depression. While reading the bible, a lot of information on generations, children, family, all the things i dont have. Other triggers seeing a lot of couples hugging, i long so much to be loved it is very sad.

I have plans for self improvement, the church is the main one with connect groups. I think i am still hard on myself and should acknowledge my achievements in the face of severe depression, this in itself is remarkable. Also my ability to never quit, this is great, many would envy my tenacity. My immediate plans is to get a network of friends through my church and try and socialise more, as I have had limited opportunity. I am also thinking of a relapse prevention plan, when I do feel very depressed someone I can call to help me, I need a stradegy for my bad days as I dont want to go back to my worst depression, it is truly sad. Feeling better now that I have shared.
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