Hello Again

Hi,

I have been away for awhile, but want to start posting again.

A little about me:

- 27 y/o female
- Unemployed (yet again!)
- Co-habitating with a boy
- Underwent ECT in 2012
- Live ~3,000 miles (4,800 kilometers) away from most family
- Diagnosed with everything; not sure what I actually 'suffer from'


I'm crying more now than I have in a long time. My parents are visibly aging, and I feel guilty for living so far away - especially when I'm so unhappy. At the same time, I wonder if they give me a second thought ever. For all I know, they're loving retirement and glad that both their daughters have moved out. I feel selfish and needy - not a great combo. Relying too much on pills and alcohol to soothe myself. I've also had a string of recent poor decisions - some I (honestly!) don't even remember making. Not sure whether to blame the ECT? I was fired - the day after my birthday - about a month ago. I have been on interviews, but haven't gotten any job offers. I don't qualify for unemployment. I'm worried, sad, depressed, angry - I want to talk to my parents about how I'm feeling, but have already put them through so much.

Not sure what to do.

Hi BlueMoon,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling all those emotions, worried, sad, depressed and angry can be a very overwhelming combo of emotions to have all at once and you're not alone, I got that same combo going on over here, so I can relate to how you're feeling.

I'm sorry you lost your job and I'm hoping something opens up for you soon.

Try not to feel selfish and needy, you're right it's not a great combo but I think that's usually more so they way we feel or see ourselves and not really the way others see us. I say that because I kinda feel that way right now for needing help with something but I've been told I shouldn't feel that way even though I do and now when I hear you say it, I just want you to know that you're not selfish or needy, we all need help sometimes and we all need someone to talk to sometimes.

I don't have any experience with drinking alcohol but I have seen it's affects on others. I've seen others who drink when they're depressed to kind of numb whatever they're feeling and it just seems to make them feel worse emotionally and then it makes them sick physically from the hangover. So if there's a way you can cut back on the alcohol it might make you feel a little better.

I don't know much a ECT it's been recommended to me by two different doctors who felt like I have treatment resistant depression but I was afraid to try it. When it was first recommended I was in my 20's and I think there wasn't a lot of info out there about it but now it seems to be a lot of information about it and it seems to be positive.

I think your parents would want to know what you're going through, they can't help you or support you if they don't know whats going on. Hopefully you also have some professional support in your life to help you this sometimes we cannot get through this on our own, we need a little help.

You've gotten some really good advice from Trina and I'm sure you will get more good advice. I really just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I hope this helps.

I'm sending hugs your way in case you need them.

thank you, everyone. i don't drink to excess - it's just the impulse to suddenly start having a glass of wine or a bit of vodka/cranberry. nothing extreme - but worrisome nonetheless. i'm taking meds as prescribed, and will see my psychiatrist on friday.

during my family visit, a lot of family stuff came up. which is normal, but somehow this was worse. i've always been scared that i'm a burden on my family, and that i'm 'less than' my older sister. i'm always the passive one, the pansy and the one who has to bury the hatchet when she and i have a fight. my mom talked to me three separate times about my sister's and my fight; she admitted to me that she didn't have any conversations with her. she also told me that she "likes when i visit - she doesn't have to think". infuriating. i really need family support right now, but everything i worried about is true.

i feel really alone. thank you everyone for your support, hugs and positive thoughts. it really helps me keep going.

Hello........

   I have a story that's almost the reverse of yours - but it relates well to yours I think.

   I have two daughters:

My youngest is 28-years old and lives with her BF.

My oldest is over 9-years older and is married with 2-kids.

   However, my former wife and I have been divorced for over 20-years.

My former wife is a workaholic and rarely sees our children.

I am retired - forced into retirement with stage #4 cancer.

   Late last year, I wrote a letter (e-mail) to both of them but mostly directed to my oldest daughter. She hasn't seemed to want to have anything to do with me - she's backing away totally from my cancer.

   What i asked for was for my oldest and myself to sit down and talk about it! Ultimately - she refused - and stepped back farther yet from me.

   My youngest daughter however, was shaken by my letter somewhat. She wrote me and said she needed time to think before writing her feelings. She, within days, wrote me back saying she "thought" she was a good daughter - but sees how she could have done some things better.

   The whole point here is ....... we weren't really communicating well all this time. We both were holding back feelings from each other - maybe to even protect each other. I finally asked what i wanted - in terms of feeling like they cared about me.

   It reached my youngest daughter. We talk once a week now - besides occasional e-mails. She has moved 1200-miles away - with a job promotion - and her BF moved with her. That was a few months ago - but ,if anything - we've gotten closer - because we openly communicate now.

   My oldest daughter was not reached. She did quite her job 5-weeks ago - just one week before her husband was fired from his job. They both are unemployed with 2-kids - and one of those will be going to college in to years. They are in a financial disaster while I'm fighting a serious fatal disease.

   She will never ask how I am doing - but has been over twice now in the last few weeks to pick-up money from me for their own bills. They were over with my grandaughters two weeks ago - for the first time in three years.

   Summary .......... it's worth trying to communicate. It may not work but it's worth trying. In my case, it worked with one but not the other.

   Try not to assume your parents think a certain way. Ask them. Tell them how you feel. I most sincerely hope that works well for you.

   By the way, my 28-year old daughter said in her letter, it bothered her to see her parents aging. It helped me so much to hear that. To me - it meant she cared!

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo