neverending sadness

If I counted all the negatives in my life, I would sound the same as you. We all have negatives, but I don't dwell on them.

We cannot talk about suicide here, please read the forum rules.

I would find another psychiatrist or talk to a counselor. Get off of the oxycontin. And the klonopin. Try different meds, they are both addicting. Pain pills can depress us.

Take initiative and do some positive things in your life. You can change things by thinking positive. But that is up to you. You seem very set in your thinking, it could take some work.

Please refrain from talking about suicide and killing yourself.

Even your username is negative. Think about changing that too.

Best wishes for feeling better soon.

Hugs...

I can relate to your feeling of only being experimented on by doctors and psychiatrists. I've been sick since I was born, almost thirty years ago, and every doctor's visit, every hospitalization, and every treatment felt like I was just being a medical toy. I have built up such an intense hatred of medicine.

Our culture encourages individuals moving and living away from family, but that is a mistake. Family is the only support during rough times, and a strong family unit is the only real way to survive. You say your wife cheated on you and kicked you out for a lawyer - I am so sorry. I hate lawyers almost as much as I hate doctors. They allowed a stepmother who abused myself and two sisters until leaving my father and forcing him to work almost to death every day just to pay the alimony.

You said you have a son who lives five miles away. That isn't actually too far. Instead of begging him to visit, why don't you try to visit him? And do something together - my Dad and I have started painting classes together, and it's been great for both of us. If you and your son can become close, and help each other out, you'll be able to help each other survive.

I don't have the greatest experience at making friends, but they are crucial to a full life, just under a family. Try to find someone to hang out with, even if it's just a weekend movie, and then try to expand from there. Apart from that, you need to find things to fulfill your life (this is advice my Dad gives to me every day while I'm struggling through many bodily and psychological turmoil). For example, I have started volunteering at a nature center, taking online classes, writing, planting, and painting. Do any of those sound appealing to you? If not, think about what would. Take little steps each day to fill your life more, and they will add up.

The best thing, if at all possible, would be for you to move in with a family member, contribute to their household, and eventually reach a point where all family members and generations live together and support each other. Have one big family, not multiple spread-out groups. You can help each other out through hard times, and talk much more openly. Although it will take time, try and get to this point. I know it's another cliche, but as long as you are alive, it's not too late.

If you'd like to talk to me more, my email is nathanarmory@gmail.com.

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)

http://www.thehotline.org/ National Domestic Violence Hoteline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)


Welcome to the forum. PLEASE use one or more of these to help yourself. There are people out there that care very much.

For you tintitus, I take 100mg of Zinc a day and it has pretty much stopped the ringing and buzzing in my ears.

I suggest a support group for you if not going back to therapy and or a pyschiatrist. They are not all bad and you do need to talk to someone face to face. Your despair is overwhelming and as humans we are social creatures that need validation.

Others may have caused our suffering, however we have to own it, stop it and rise above it.
There is a great book, short read, entitled, NO MUD, NO LOTUS, by Tich Nhat Hahn. I strongly suggest you read it, for self-compassion.

No one is a 'totalloser'! We all have purpose and meaning, even if we can not see it in our dark times. I am 54 and have just been told this month by 3 doctors, neuro, pysch and GP that I will never be able to work again. Yes! it is a crusher. Must be processed and dealt with there is another purpose somewhere.

Peace and strength
Trina

Thanks for the replies, I did call one of the numbers, it was ok but I need real love. I have looking all my life and it always eluded me or went away after awhile - people made promises and did not keep them.

i will refrain from suicidal talk - i was too upset to read the forum rules at the start. just desperate to post hoping for some magic.

the older i get the less likely I will find a partner since my health has been declining and who wants a depressed person like me ? So , i have to fake being happy or take extra drugs so i can even go out to meet anyone. Sucks.

My son visited today but tonight is another lonely one. I don't know how to fill them up. the enjoyment of things is just not there so I don't do much. thats really attractive too.

When I had a couple girlfriends, even more wanted me - women are strange that way, if you are lonely they don't want you but if they have to compete , sometimes they really want you bad. Wonder why that is.

I will keep you up to date as I can if I am feeling well enough to be online - yes sometimes its so bad I can't even get online to post. depression drains the life out of you.

I really appreciate your replies. some folks suggest jedi mind tricks and they don't work for me (I'm not saying you made any ) because I think most of what causes my depression is situational and the result of a lifetime of HARD breaks, and i think that oxy and klonipin aren't helping either. i am trying to move to my moms house and hopefully get some support - this situation alone is unbearable. i wish i could meet someone who would hang with me and see me through until I was better. Not much chance of that. Too bad we have to be anonymous - maybe I could meet a friend here , doesn't have to be a romantic thing - I just need a friend I can count on - where will i get one ? How can i beat these addictions?

Mostly I don't see how I can ever recover unless i get personal support but you can't whip that up out of thin air. I feel like I've exhausted my moves and don't relly know what is the best option to recover or even if I can recover.

Post Edited (totalloser) : 5/15/2015 9:00:37 PM (GMT-6)

It seems some posts that were helpful are gone - I did not mean to offend. I need all the support I can get. Please repost if you removed your post. And if something offends you please discuss and don't run away - everyone eventually runs away it seems - I'm not the most careful speaker.

there was a lady - trina ? and her posts were there and gone I think - what happened? maybe Im messed up and don't remember.

I need to depend on others , that is the only way to be well, I don't think there are any self-sufficient lone wolves that are fine all alone. If there are, I can not relate and am not one of them. i read many an article about how much we need the affirmation and company of others - I believe it. I'm a very sensitive person who needs love going back and forth. How can anyone be ok without it ? Did I misunderstand? How do I start getting friends etc.. now at 53 ? I don't go anywhere very often to even meet people.

Have to be honest its been rejection running through my whole life that has made me sick and only acceptance will fix it. How else can I fix the pain of a lifetime of rejection and cruelty.

Post Edited (totalloser) : 5/16/2015 2:39:46 PM (GMT-6)

I did not put thumbs down and have no blocked users.

I'll just say there is no way I'll make it alone. I just don't have the ability. I truly believe we need each other and it is not good that one should be isolated, madness is brought on by seclusion. I can't generate happiness from inside because its not there. What makes me happy is when I am loved and appreciated , and shown affection. If I have to be happy without that then its over for me, there is no reason to try.

I do love myself, but that is not enough. Whatever is left of my journey , I need to make it with someone else and not alone. There is a hole in my heart that only love can fix , how am I going to get it or can I get it ? I do not know if you have faith but I don't believe we were put here to make it alone or there would have only been Adam - "it is not good that man should be alone, I will make a helpmate for him "

However you view it - true or jewish Myth , it is has truth, we all need someone and others - otherwise whats the point ? To me, love and companionship is what its all about. Live without it and we wither. With love we can make it. Don't know where to go from here.

yes it says "be not afraid" maybe nothing is blocked. If I have to generate the happiness on my own from within it will never come. thanks for trying though - according to you I am hopeless then so I should give up. I hope u are wrong about generating it yourself -I can't do it.

It's ok - misunderstandings are easy and in my condition - likely.

Sorry I misunderstood you. I get upset easily sometimes. Its stressful being where I'm at, I hoppe you understand.

Thanks for being here. I do appreciate it. As you can see my brain isn't working right.

I feel your pain "total loser." I hope you are ok, where ever you are. I completely understand your pain, all too well. I take it day by day. Minute by minute when needed.
Please respond if you can...
I hope for the best for you...