Posted 3/28/2018 6:48 AM (GMT -5)
Hello all, I put this post on Cornibusbustia's fourm but I want to see if anyone has any advice for me.
My boyfriend and I have been slowly spiraling downwards together since our relationship peaked in the summer. It started out wonderfully, he treated me like a princess and we just clicked from the beginning. We went on adventures together and he helped me out of a really bad place. We had a split in November. He told me that he felt he was just supposed to be single and that he thought i'd be better off without him. When we got back together, he also alluded to his fear of connecting with me because of the loss of a sister he had experienced a while back. (this death is what he believes to have caused his disorder to manifest) I am pretty naive in nature so I've been wary about believing him. I love him and I want to support him, but I also want to be respected and heard.
He is so afraid of confrontation that he has been known to just tell people what they want to hear. I know he loves me, but I can feel so much doubt and conflict sometimes. It's also always me who does the talking in our arguments. He just consoles me to the point where I forgive and move on. A little bit ago it just boiled over and I snapped at him. It felt so good to get it all off my chest but I regretted it almost immediately. It was over text (bad idea, I know) so we agreed to talk more about it the next day. I texted him that morning and he replied to me telling me that he couldn't do it. I asked if he needed "me day" this is what I asked him to tell me a while ago when the depression got really bad.
It's been hard for me to understand that in order to really support him I need to give him space. When i'm going through hard times I want to be close with my family and friends so that's how I had tried to help him. I didn't realize that all my efforts were having the opposite effect and were just draining him more. I have been under so much stress with college and my dad pressuring me to make huge life decisions that I have been needing him. I think my mood, or maybe the weather, or even just the down of his Bipolar 2 have gotten to him.
about two weeks ago he "got sick" and was "really tired" a few times. I wasn't sure if he was really sick or if he needed his alone time again. Either way, it bothered me. It was unlike him. I just brushed it off, and begrudgingly gave him the time he needed, looking to the week ahead to talk and catch up. We managed to get together on Sunday but things didn't feel as they normally did, I had so much that I wanted to say but didn't know how. I finally told him how his absence had made me feel but it still didn't feel right. Like I was forgetting something.
Over the next week he needed more time so I told him that maybe instead of the days that we typically spent together that he should tell me beforehand if he wanted to hang out. I did this hoping that I wouldn't get too excited to see him any more. This backfired of course... I was left anticipating a text telling me he wanted to see me and he didn't say anything. I decided to tell him that I really wanted to talk to him the next day. My thoughts were killing me. Looking back on it I feel so irrational and insensitive but my stress was so intense and I couldn't tell my parents. Since the break up, all they could see was their little girl broken hearted. I could feel them starting to hate him so I just decided to stop talking all together.
I went to him and talked. Again, he only gave me yes and no answers and wouldn't actually conversate with me. I got to the point where I could control my emotions and asked if I could spend the night. He said no and that he would like to be alone. I asked why and he said he just liked it better that way. After the car ride home in which I was thinking the entire time I snapped. I told him things that I really regret like the fact that I was thinking of ending the relationship for my own sanity and that if he loves me he should drive right after me to apologize for letting me go home even though I was so upset. In the end, we decided to talk some more in person but it still hasn't happened.
I went to see a school counselor and that helped me see his point of view more clearly but yesterday he didn't talk to me at all and today he just told me that he had taken on overtime and couldn't talk. I'm afraid that maybe he'll think that I can't handle him and break up with me again before hearing me out. I'm also afraid that he's trying to control me with this silent treatment. I just wish that there was a magic button I could press that could make it so that we hurt each other less and understand each other more. My counselor recommended talking to him about how best we can support each other and reach a happy medium but I'm scared he will do what he's always done and make me feel like it'll all be okay but barely put any effort in for us.
Before our first breakup he would go days without talking. My one stipulation was that he stop running and fight for us when we got back together. Yesterday was the first time he has given me total silence in a very long time. I feel so guilty, like I've destroyed everything, but most of all I just want to be heard.