Depressed wife thinking about separating.

You're a good guy, downdad.
Most people would never get over their partner cheating, as there are no real excuses.
I think maybe you have bent as far as you can go...
Maybe it's time to focus on yourself, and your daughter, but not in a way that necessarily involves your wife.
Everyone wants to keep their 'family together'. But you need to be real about the situation.
You can still have a loving and a close connection to your family, but rearrange it so that everyone is happy, and there is less stress around you.
Look after yourself.

I went through the same thing for 29 years.

Our child was also 3 when I found out there was someone else.

I went though a lot of depression, also had chest pain for many years, with 4 or 5 visits to heart doctors. When my wife died of a long illness, the chest pain went away, so it was the stress, blood vessels tensing up in the chest muscles around the heart, which was causing the heart (actually chest) pain.

I stayed because 1. we were buying a house, and I couldn't have afforded $500 a month rent.

2. didn't want to leave my child.
3. I hadn't done anything wrong, so why should I leave?
4. I asked her the same thing, "Why don't you leave?" She thought that was ridiculous, but that's just what she had asked me.
5. I wasn't going to be the one who broke up the home, she was if she left. But I wasn't going to be the one who broke up the home.

I just lived my life, worked when I could, did my projects, helped take care of the child.

There was pressure on her, too, for she had soiled her own nest. She told me once, she didn't look forward to coming home from work, for she knew what awaited her there.

I didn't holler at her, I just didn't have much to do with her.

So, how did it turn out? After 29 years, she passed away from a long illness, she smoked. So, I got the house, I got her retirement, which passed over to me, neither of which would have happened if I had left. So, I would have felt pretty bad if I had left and missed all of that, especially after she was the one who had done wrong.

Again, I hadn't done anything wrong, why should I leave? Why should our child be punished with no father in the home because she had messed up?

Didn't make any sense to me. Her leaving her house and our child didn't make any sense to her, because she didn't leave.

Again, if she wanted to take her own advice of someone leaving, she could have left, if her lover(s) meant that much to her, then she could walk out the door and get the credit for being the one who had left.

And, also, suffer by paying $500 a month rent, which was much more than our mortgage was, and paying the price of being the one who had failed in the marriage.

Showing, you might not get rewarded for having an affair, you might get punished.

So, the option is always there for her to leave. It's going to be rough if you stay, and it's going to be rough if you leave. But you do get to pick the one of those two that you want.

And if the difference is the child will have a better home life if you stay, maybe go that way.

My Dad thought like that, also. He caught a lot of abuse from my Mom, who had it rough, but he stayed with the family and kept his job and paid the bills.

He didn't get a lot of credit for that and I have some guilt that I didn't give him more credit for paying the bills and what not. I did from time to time show appreciation for what he was doing and had done, and I'm very proud that I did that.

I did that with my child. I wasn't going to be the one who left him. And I wasn't going to be the one who left my own 1/2 house because my wife had messed up. I mean, she pushed me around before that, but I wasn't stupid enough to fall for that, that I had to leave because she got caught.

And I'm proud that I responded, "Why don't you leave for a week, and I'll leave for a week?" which I had just heard on TV a few months before, so the child can stay at the same house. She said, "No."

Also, I wasn't going to leave for a week even if she said OK. I was going to let her leave for a week, then I wasn't going to leave for my week. I couldn't afford to leave anyway, because I had a hard time with jobs, with my emotional problems.

Does your wife have any emotional problems other than that marital situation? Mine had a bunch, just like I did, so I can't point fingers.

Also, try to be positive that you can get through this. For one thing, your child is watching to see how you solve problems. I wasn't positive during my efforts at all of that, because I wasn't raised that way and because of my emotional problems.

One thing I try to tell myself now is, one problem at a time, and be positive about that problem. For instance, it's a positive thing that you didn't leave, and that she didn't leave. The child needs two parents in the home, and you have that. Your wife has a good job.

Also, another good thing is, that you are all staying together. I've heard that when parents separate, the finances for all, including the child, is lessened. That 2, in this case 3, can live as cheaply as one. In that, one rent/mortgage bill is cheaper than two, one both electric and cable TV bill is cheaper than 2.

There is a lot going for you right now. Think of that.

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 4/10/2018 12:46:23 PM (GMT-6)