Sausages and mash - an update

Well, this has been an incredibly anxiety-inducing day. Developed cloudy vision and a 'filminess' in my right eye after only having seen the opthalmologist two days ago. The steroid drops didn't appear to be working, but they finally kicked in this evening and the cloudiness has almost gone, thank god. The other source of anxiety is to do with the UK losing its collective marbles. My passport expires this year and I am going to apply for an Irish one. It's probably massive overkill but it's not a bad idea to have one anyway, even if everything turns out fine: unlike the English passport, it will give me access to all 27 EU countries after Brexit.

I finally got around to uploading some photos if anyone is interested :-/

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I'm afraid I got lazy and uploaded them all at one go. Plus I could only be bothered labelling the first two. They were all taken locally and within the last few weeks. The canal is the Aylesbury branch of the Grand Union canal. There's a moorhen family on a branch in the water in one pic; a heron with a fish in its mouth in another pic. The building with the reflected sky in its windows is Waterside theatre - think it's meant to be in the shape of a whale. At any rate it's a cool building and just as nice inside as it is outside. Oh, and the two bookmarks with the pressed flowers at the end? I made those today... <_<.

Awesome Pics Miranda. Thanks for sharing...

That is awesome!!! Glad you are getting a new laptop. You will love it I am sure.

Have a great day!

Hugs, Karen...

I love the photos, thanks for sharing. Cute little ducks & lovely book marks!! So much nice scenery over there, you're lucky

I am happy you're feeling a little brighter. I was missing seeing you around. Irish passport sounds like a good idea. Over here, things are a mess too. The city I live in is literally covered in tents, full of mentally ill and drug addicts. It's sad.

Struggling.

My main problems are: a) thoughts that I can't switch off, especially at night, b) bad dreams/nightmares, which leave me drained and depressed when I wake up, and c) an overwhelming sense of futility and pointlessness.

c) is perhaps the worst, as I just can't see any point to anything. I have to force myself to go to my gardening place and even so I'm usually an hour late these days. I don't get much out of it anymore. I don't get pleasure or enjoyment out of anything: it's all just going through the motions. I can't imagine meeting anyone who I can form a connection with - I just literally cannnot imagine it. I'm extremely introverted and withdrawn; I'm not interested in what anyone else has to say and I've got nothing of any interest to say myself.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/26/2018 12:01:36 PM (GMT-6)

Miranda, I truly understand how difficult it is at this time for you. But you can't give up. You got to keep pushing. Things are going to turn around for you.

I am going to remove the last sentence in your post as we aren't suppose to flame others and you are calling him some pretty bad names. I understand you needing to vent (which you did) but I have to remove it.

You need to forgive in your own mind so that it will be easier for you to move on. Hanging on to it isn't doing you any good. If anything more harm than good. Forgiving is for ourselves, not really for the other person. But if you do, you will let go and it will be so much easier for you.

I am sorry that the Seroquel isn't working. I would tell your gp as you are speaking of. Maybe there is something else that would help. I feel for you. Getting on the right meds isn't always easy.

Try to hang in there. Things are going to get better. One day at a time.

Hugs, Karen...

Those little teen ducklings are so cute. Those are sure to put a smile on your face.

I know how you feel. I've been in that weird, lonely funk lately too. I have a live-in but that doesn't even help. Sometimes having someone isn't the big thing, it's about having passion. That's my problem anyway. I am just going through the motions. I have to force myself to do things, and often I don't bother, i just sit here. If i want to do something, my guy won't be interested anyway, so either I go alone, or we end up doing something else. You could probably join a group and go with some other folks to a march. I am sure there are tons of people meeting up.

As for your mom, what do you want out of the relationship? I don't think you can expect her to change her ways at this point, and you know what she's capable of. She sounds a lot like my mom, everything always remains on the surface, and you can't say anything that ruffles her feathers. My mom's gone through her whole life without knowing what reality is, she's not going to change. I don't speak to her because of this, but that's the decision you have to make. Either you have this person as they are, or you don't have them in your life. You're not going to get her to change i doubt. I am sorry, it's the worst having a family that you can't relate to.

Hi folks.

Bit braindead right now, but otherwise I've been better the past two days. Still far from 'normal' (something which I haven't been in a long time), but less depressed. Had an awkward encounter this evening though. I was sitting in Waitrose having a cup of coffee, absorbed in my phone, when this lady made me almost jump out of my skin by coming up to me from behind and saying hello - she's somebody I know a little bit and have spoken to a few times. (We both used to know Alan, my local chum who died last year.) I don't like being taken by surprise and I'm afraid I reacted rather defensively, not wanting to engage in small talk. She got the hint and left after a minute or two. I'm really my own worst enemy - I complain about being lonely but then push people away from me :/ Alan wouldn't have done that. (Although because he was so naive, he did get preyed on by emotional vampires and opportunists a lot.)

@nssg - You sound like you have chronic low-level depression to me or possibly even full-blown depression. Have you ever tried antidepressants or counselling?

As for what you said about my mum, it's pretty much spot on, but I don't have the strength to break contact with her right now. I have done a few times in the past three years (three times in total, each break lasting a few months). It's kind of a strange relationship with her: most of the time she is fine. She's good company, particularly when she hasn't been drinking. She's not like some narcisstic mothers I read about, who sound like a nightmare all the time. But when she's awful, she's really really awful. And it's not the booze which makes her that way either - I mean, perhaps indirectly it is, in the sense of the alcohol scrambling her brain cells over so many years, but she can be just as horrible sober as she can drunk.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll go pear-shaped again sooner or later, but for now things are back to "normal". Also, she is still badly affected by my brother's death: that much is kind of obvious.

@iPoop - I get what you're saying. But humans are social creatures, even introverts: we thrive in social networks 'cos that is how we evolved. And I'm deeply feeling the lack of connections in my life (although I don't always help myself - see: first paragraph). Also, much like nssg said, nothing excites me at the moment: the things that I was previously interested in having a go at I'm not anymore e.g. learning to code, painting/drawing, outdoorsy stuff such as trekking/camping/climbing. Although I have got back into Zelda: Majora's Mask, which is a start I guess - I'm currently stuck on the world's most difficult minigame. I don't need to complete it to progress, but I'm determined to beat it for the piece of heart. (Need a perfect score of 50 and my best is 48...)

As for the march, yes, it was about Brexit. I don't think the march will make any difference in affecting the outcome - Brexit is happening, that much been clear for a long time imo. But it still would have been nice to go on a peaceful march through London with like-minded people. As for Brexit, I worry about it every single day. In two years we are no further on than we were: we are no closer to a deal and the government has made no preparations whatsoever towards leaving. Whatever happens, on the 29th March 2019 we leave the EU and become a 'third country'. No deal means the planes don't take off, the lorries can't come in and out of the ports, and we are looking at food and medicine shortages within days. We don't have until next March to make a deal either; we have until October this year. I'm not confident.

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your photo's. You have a talent for it and are so nice to share.

Just wondering if you have a pet, dog or cat? Walking a dog is a good way to get out without having to communicate to anyone but still getting the benefit. Somehow, it feels as though you're apart of life. Petting or caring for them gives a reason to be; a reason to live, a reason to enjoy life, a reason to get up in the morning. Plus, they give back more than you can possible give. It's known that just stroking a pet can bring depression and anxiety down.

But, then I think I remember you saying you couldn't have one in your apartment although that sure could have been someone else.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I care and wish I could do something for you.