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Very Concerned Husband - At the End of My Rope

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Posted 7/8/2010 10:02 AM (GMT -5)

I need some help and advice.

 

Background:

Married 15 years, two young girls (10 and 7)

Wife got a nursing degree 2.5 years ago, but was diagnosed with Fibro and CFS in April, 2008.  She qualified for disability from her employer, and she qualified for SSDI in March 2009.

 

For the first year she was very depressed.  Couldn’t find a good doctor, problems getting diagnosed – things I’m sure you’ve all dealt with.

 

Last May she started seeing a new doctor, temporary diet change and new supplements.  Seemed like her energy was increasing and the depression was lifting a bit.

 

Since then – the last year has been hell.  I found out that much of her increase in energy was due to attention from a couple of old male friends from high school.  Then she bought an iPhone.  I looked at our first bill and saw 800 texts to one number.  Basically, she was having two emotional affairs.  She stopped seeing these two men, but continued to do other things online and with her phone.

 

We separated about 7 months ago so that we would stop arguing so much, hoping to come back together.  She moved out – there was never really a discussion regarding who would leave.  Since separating, I have continued to find evidence of “electronic” affairs with other men – and even some meetings.  My wife has also started hanging out once or twice a week at a bar with a couple of single girlfriends.

 

I’m ready to give up.

 

Am I wrong to think that if she can spend up to 4 hours in bed, hunched over laptop, or if she can go to a bar from 11pm until close – shouldn’t she be focusing on being a better parent, or possibly using her nursing degree in SOME capacity?  Our marriage counselor suggested vocational rehab, but this just made my wife mad.

 

Am I wrong to think that if we go before a judge to discuss Alimony, he’s likely to tell her to stop partying, grow up and get a job, and maybe even have her SSDI case reviewed?

 

Is this a common issue for people with fibro – to retreat into secret online lives?

 

What do other people who can’t work do to fill their time?  To find some satisfaction in life?

 

I’ve been a good, supportive husband, but even before the separation – even back to nursing school – I’ve often felt like a single dad.  Between raising two kids and working full time to support us, I guess I’m unable to meet whatever her needs are.  But a lot of other guys – with no kids, possibly no job – have all the time in the world.

 

She's also in danger of losing her employer sponsored disability due to a two year limitation on "self reported symptoms".  In their letter, they - like the marriage counselor suggested - state that she would be eligible for some sort of training program to help her find a way to use her skills.

 

Any advice, or help of any kind would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

Posted 7/8/2010 10:31 AM (GMT -5)
Hi Niceguy, I am so sorry that both you and your wife are suffering. First of all, I don't
think it is common for people with fibro to retreat into secret online lives. I feel your
wife is suffering from depression, due to an inability to accept her diagnosis and the
loss of her career.

Living with fibro is not easy, it takes time to fully accept the loss of good health. Many
of us will go through a grieving process of anger and denial before we are able to
accept the fact that we have this chronic pain condition. Your wife seems to be acting
out her frustration by partying with friends.

Wondering if you could talk to the doctor that helped her last May and get some
advice. She does seem in need of counseling.

You sound like a wonderful husband trying to help his wife and I do hope your wife
will be accepting of treatment. I wish you both all the best! Keep us posted...we care!

Hugs, Robin
Posted 7/8/2010 10:32 AM (GMT -5)
I am so sorry that you are going through all this. First of all I want to let you know that fibro is different in all of us so Im not sure how bad your wifes is. I myself have had fibro since I was very young but didnt get the diagnosis till about 10 years ago. I am 50 now and I did work up until last year when the fatigue became more than I could handle. After a day of work I would come home and be unable to do anything because of the exhaustion. I also have a husband with Multiple Schlerosis that I take care of. So I left my job to take better care of him and to clean up my house. During our marriage though I raised 5 children. I was more the caretaker to them than my husband because before the MS he was always working at least 3 jobs to support us.

In my case I feel that if your wife has the energy to go out and party and to have affairs she should be able to work. I might be wrong but it sounds to me like she has no interest in being a mother or a wife. It might be time for you to let her go. This however is your decision. I know that when you love someone it is hard to imagine life without them.

You asked what I do to find satisfaction in life on disability. Well I find satisfaction first of all in being able to take care of my family and doing a little everyday to make my house more liveable. I have no interest in going out other than to get the shopping done and I dont even like doing that. lol

Im sorry you are having such a hard time. I doubt if I have helped you but I feel so bad for you right now.
Gentle Hugs
Shirley
Posted 7/8/2010 10:47 AM (GMT -5)
Thank you both.

She agrees that she is depressed and is "acting out", but seems unable to stop.

When she qualified for disability, the depression was heavy, so I fully supported the idea that she couldn't work. But now I see it as more a depression issue than Fibro and CFS.  Now, I think she needs to at least TRY to do SOMETHING.

I also think that - unlike most other people dealing with this - she's been lucky to have someone who has stood by her. I'm no saint - not looking for praise - but many people in her situation HAVE to work, or don't have the help raising the kids that she has. There isn't much incentive for her to wake up - she knows I'll be there to catch her.

And yes - I think its sad but true - that she has little interest in her own children right now. It wasn't always that way. She's even admitted it a few times, sometimes saying the fibro makes it hard to deal with the typical noise and craziness. But then how does she handle the noise in a bar with a loud band playing?

When we talk about reconciliation, she'll always point to something she needs to make her happy. about 9 months ago we bought a hot tub. I use it more than she does. Now she claims updating the living room furniture would make our house more comfortable. It might make a temporary difference, but furniture doesn't give you self esteem or a reason to live.

I think she needs something substantial in her life - and she won't find it in a bar or online or on her iPhone. I don't think that I can fill that void - I think SHE has to fill it somehow. And I'm afraid that if she doesn't find a healthy outlet soon, she'll lose everything, including her family.
Posted 7/8/2010 10:54 AM (GMT -5)
And just to clarify, I have no evidence to believe that there have been physical affairs. Fibro has of course been a major hit to her self esteem - hence the appeal of doing things online.

I know she has "met up with" a few guys. She swears nothing ever happened, and I somewhat believe her.

The other thing that seems insane in all of this is that her sex drive has increased. Could be that she's getting her engine revved up elswhere (on the net) and I'm just getting the benefits, or it could be hormonal. Could be a lot of things. But again, wouldn't energy to have sex = energy to work or do "something"???
Posted 7/8/2010 10:59 AM (GMT -5)
You are absolutely right. She needs to fill the void herself. Have you tried talking her into going to see a psychiatrist. She needs to deal with the depression and try to help herself or nothing is going to change.

I hope for your sake that she decides to get help and I agree with you that it can be hard to stand by someone in a deep depression. You need to take care of yourself too though and if she is unwilling to get help then you have to do what is best for you.

I will be praying for you
Gentle Hugs
Shirley
Posted 7/8/2010 11:26 AM (GMT -5)
Just bumped a thread that I started last October for further reference. Thx.
Posted 7/8/2010 11:30 AM (GMT -5)
Niceguy,

I can understand why your wife might get frustrated and turn away if you were the type of husband who didn't believe in her fibro - but you don't sound like one of those! Quite the contrary. What do you think of her doctor? Is she on any medications that might account for her personality change? (Meds affect different people so differently.) The fact that she's lost interest in her own children make me suspect a deeper-seated depression going on. My husband and I went through a hard time in our 30s - it does take time to accept fibro - but the kids were always priority #1 for both of us. Does she have other family and are they supportive? Do you?

As for esteem, whew, that's a tough one! I think it comes from knowing that you're doing the best you can, even if the best you can is a fraction of what it used to be. I'm 55, so it's not so heartbreaking anymore when I can't do "normal" things, but boy, back then it was reeeaally hard. I would agree with you that if she could somehow fill the void she'd be more fulfilled. For me it was substitute teaching; it got me involved in the larger world and helping others (and making a little money!)

I hope you can work out a solution...it's definitely not an easy predicament. I commend you for reaching out for help.

Achey
Posted 7/8/2010 11:35 AM (GMT -5)
Niceguy, I believe when your wife lost her career she went into an identity crisis.
She may feel that she lost her purpose. Does she have hobbies that she can share
with the kids? She needs to believe that life can still be enjoyable.

Hopefully she will be willing to go into therapy and get the help she needs.
It is wonderful that you are trying to help. I have said a prayer for you family.

hugs, Robin
Posted 7/8/2010 11:36 AM (GMT -5)
Hi Niceguy and welcome!

You sure have a miserable situation on your hands but I obviously don't need to tell you this. IMHO your wife needs some serious counseling. I'm guessing the chances of that are slim at this point.

It sounds to me like your wife it chasing a life that she lost. She lost the ability to work, the freedom of choices and basically she's lost the life she's always known. No, most people with fibro don't go off in the direction your wife did but more often if they react adversely they will retreat into their own world of pain and shut out everyone and everything. We all know at some level that chasing our old lives won't help anything and most often it will turn out as a negative in our lives. Right now, and maybe forever, she's not the woman you married. I would guess her depression still isn't controlled properly and she may have other things going on. But she's running faster and faster to get away from Fibro and other things that are hurting her...in her opinion. Sometimes even being at home and around the kids reminds her that part of her life is gone for good. But that doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful life!! It won't be the same but it can be wonderful! You see the members here often sharing and complaining about problems associated with pain and illness but what you don't see as often is that those same people have chosen to reach out and connect with someone to make their lives better. That's what we're all about here. Behind every one of the names here is a person, often a spouse and parent and they have forged ahead to make a great life for themselves.

One thing you might want to think about is your place in all of this. Are you familiar with the term enabling? None of us like to think of ourselves as enabling someone who's acting out but in some way are you making it easy for her to go on with this lifestyle? Who pays for her iPhone? Where does she get money to go out to the bars? Does she have a car and who is paying for it and the fuel? Please understand that I'm not putting any blame on you!! You are at a survival level and are trying to be a wonderful husband and provide her with what she wants. But by buying her whatever she wants, providing her with money to go out, you make it easier for her to keep going. Make sense? The first time someone explained this to me I thought they were crazy and trying to blame me for something that someone else was doing. BUT, if you take away her credit cards (cancel them), stop buying her new toys, remodels, etc. then she will have to come out of her craziness at least long enough to be angry with you. ;-) She has control of the situation right now and will likely keep it up as long as someone (you?) support it. But by pulling the rug out from underneath her antics it will institute a change. At that point YOU are the one in control even if you have to do it with money.

Plus, your children do not deserve to see what their mother is doing. And the money that your wife is wasting is best spent on them or put away for a college education. Something needs to snap her out of all of this and unfortunately you might be the only one who can do it. If I were you I'd load up those kids and get the 3 of you into counseling ASAP. A counselor can help you and the children get through this and with professional help. Your wife just might decide to join you one day and return to the family.

Please keep in touch as we care very much that you and those kids...and your wife..are OK!
Chutz
Posted 7/8/2010 12:24 PM (GMT -5)
I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I am not able to read all the messages in this topic right now, so please forgive me if maybe I repeat something already said.

First - no, her behavior and fibro and not linked. I've never heard of this sort of behavior having anything to do with fibro.

You say she was dx'd with depression. Maybe that part needs to be investigated further. Is it possible she is bi-polar, or has some personality disorder? Her behavior doesn't quite fit garden variety depression of any kind as far as I can tell. (I am not a doctor.)

Your wife needs a professional psychologist, or psychiatrist who can help her with these things. However, getting her to see one is not something you can force. If she is happy living as she is, there isn't much a person can do. You can't make someone change.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please don't feel all women are like this, nor are all women with illness of some kind like this. This is a very difficult situation and I sincerely am sorry for your family. :(
Posted 7/8/2010 12:50 PM (GMT -5)
Tired – we’ve done depression before – both of us; part of her defense is that she’s already on depression medications and is seeing a psych; I just don’t know how honest she is with him; modifying meds might help, but either I need to go with her a couple of times or she needs to be totally honest; also, meds alone usually aren’t an answer; she needs to see a counselor/psychologist also in my opinion

Achey – yes, I believe in fibro, and believe she has it and that her life has been altered; having said that, I think at some point she needs to work to make the best of a bad situation, not just run from it; meds could be an issue – but like many people, she’s taking so many its hard to really know; her mother started questioning my wife’s motivation to get better before I did; my wife saw this as unsupportive – I saw it as trying to give advice to someone you care about;

Kitty – during the first year – when she was depressed – she was spending a lot of time on her laptop doing digital scrapbooking; I thought it was great; now she’s still on the computer just as much, but never with anything to show for it or share with anyone; her “hobbies” mostly seem to be Facebook, her iPhone and watching TV; not much to share there;  when the kids are with her for extended times they often come home complaining about how much she was on her laptop;

Chutz – I’m right there with you; been reading codependent no more by Melody Beattie; yes – I have enabled; I’ve been posting a lot lately on a marriage forum – the advice there is that its time to lawyer up, hide the money, move on and let her stand or fall on her own; much easier said than done – even after a year of pain;

Post Edited (nice777guy) : 7/8/2010 11:58:47 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/8/2010 12:55 PM (GMT -5)
Princess - I know not all women are like this; SHE wasn't like this for the first 14.5 years, including her first year with fibro;

She was diagnosed as Bi-Polar II years ago, but then later changed to "Anxiety Otherwise Unspecified." A med adjustment could help.

Right now she's sick - sicker than usual; says she feels like she has mono and is going to the doctor today;

our girls both have B-days this month - 10 year old REALLY wants a slumber party, and is really getting frustrated because her Mom won't even talk about it right now; we've got three weeks; its not like she's asking for an X-box or PS3 or something expensive - but a sleepover for 3 or 4 ten year old girls is one thing I'm not sure that a "single dad" can make happen without some kind of female help; was thinking about asking my MIL, but still hoping my wife comes around real soon;

thinking about waiting until they get back in school before taking any real decisive action - but I'm tired of living in limbo;  i think we all are;

Post Edited (nice777guy) : 7/8/2010 12:00:17 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/8/2010 1:20 PM (GMT -5)
Nice777Guy,

If she did get originally diagnosed as bi-polar II, then that needs to be looked at harder. Some medications that are appropriate for other types of depression and anxiety can actually make bi-polar disorder WORSE. If she is bi-polar, that really needs to be discovered. These issues could be a result of medication in her case.

As for your daughter - don't be afraid to ask for help from other family members or friends. Possibly, you could rent a hotel room in a water park type place, or other kids fun spot, where your daughter could have her friends over. This way, your wife wouldn't have to be there if she refuses to participate or speak about it. Some of my relatives have done those waterpark hotel deals with their kids - and on weekdays it can be much less expensive, too. If a waterpark isn't nearby - see what is. Your daughter deserves to have a normal birthday as much as possible. You deserve to have a nice time too.

Post Edited (TheChickenPrincess) : 7/8/2010 3:40:35 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/8/2010 1:51 PM (GMT -5)
Niceguy,
I'm not one to mince words so I guess I'll just say it's time to look realistically at what is going on and see this for what it is. Your wife is not living up to her responsibility as a wife and mother, not honoring her wedding vows in her daily life and certainly not acting like an adult. You already have two children to parent, so no need to add one more child to the mix.

This is the only life YOU and your DAUGHTERS have. There are no do overs. No sense in wasting time on someone who isn't acting in a loving way. BTW, my definition of love is wanting what is best for the beloved. Ask yourself:

* How does my wife act in a way that shows she wants what is best for me and the girls?
* How is this relationship helping/hurting my daughters and their images of how a mother and wife should live her life in the face of adversity?
* If financial and physical independence would help my wife grow up shouldn't I take steps to make this so?
* Wanting what is best for my daughters, how can I amend my actions so that they have the love and support that they need to grow up to be strong, independent women?
* If wife continues in this activity where do I see myself and my daughters in five years?

I do not see any way to resolve this problem other than your wife doing a life changing attitude adjustment. Give her some boundaries, some goals and a chance to redeem herself and then follow through. Life is short, too short to spend with someone who puts their own needs first.

I've had fibro my entire life, been married through job losses, parents deaths, spouse's alcoholism, and all the things that go with living life. Fibro has been a stumbling block but like most of the other people on this board I find a "work around" for my problems instead of letting everyone else find a solution. I'm sending prayers for you, wife and daughters. Wish I could do more.
Posted 7/8/2010 3:21 PM (GMT -5)
How do you address goal setting or boundaries with someone who doesn't wish to do certain things and has a disability like Fibro and CFS for an excuse?

I know depression is a factor - but she won't acknowledge that.

There have been a lot of "bad fibro days" that just happened to be on days we had Marriage Counseling, so she stayed home to "rest."

BUT if I say "Hey - got a sitter and I'm off work tomorrow - let's go get a few drinks and listen to some music" - she somehow "finds the strength." Actually, her eyes light up and she looks like her old self.

Like I said above, I'm not disputing the condition, just questioning her efforts and how much is mental v physical. How do you address her lack of effort when she can simply play the "fibro" card? What is realistic?

Or - to put it another way - I wish she would use more of her available energy on her FAMILY and less on "outside pursuits."
Posted 7/8/2010 3:49 PM (GMT -5)
Dear Nice Guy then it is time for you to take a stand and tell her she either shapes up and starts being a wife and mother or you are done. Just because she has fibro doesnt mean she cant be a loving wife and mother. Maybe if you said these things and meant them she would realize that it is time to change.

Do not let her use the fibro/cfs on you, if she can find the energy to go out she can find the energy to be there for you.

You have had alot of good advice here and we all feel really bad for you. I know it is scarey the thought of having to raise your daughters on your own, but arent you already doing that?

I think you know deep down inside yourself what needs to be done. Now you need to put it into action or you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life because you are being controlled. She is playing you and she will as long as you let her.

I am sorry if this sounds mean but I am very worried about you and your daughters emotional states.

Gentle Hugs
Shirley
Posted 7/8/2010 3:54 PM (GMT -5)
The thought of raising my daughters alone isn't that scary to me.

Just reading some of the other subject lines here, its clear that there are many people with problems much, much worse than hers.

Hard to explain, but I'm afraid to let her go and watch her fall.

Thank you all.
Posted 7/8/2010 4:07 PM (GMT -5)
Nice guy - an emotional affair can be just as hurtful as a physical affair! There is a really good book called Not Just Friends that may help you. Also, google surviving infidelity and read the website - they give you a lot of tools that can help save your marriage.

I hope you can get through this for your little girls! Good luck.

Posted 7/8/2010 4:41 PM (GMT -5)
NiceGuy - I'm sorry to keep repeating the same point, but I feel I might be getting lost admist the other posts. Please read up on bi-polar disorder. When well managed, these people can lead absolutely normal lives. When not well managed, they can be manipulative, to say the least. Please find out more about it.
Posted 7/8/2010 4:45 PM (GMT -5)
Princess - I am not planning to give up, but I do need to get tougher. Right now the first thing that I would ask of her would be to set up an appointment with her current Psychiatrist that I could attend. She says that they've discussed her recent behavior, but I doubt she's told him half the truth.

Your point is not lost at all. I said above that she had been diagnosed before as BiPolar II, but it was later changed. I mentioned this to her before - that we had established her history of "cycling" and that this recent behavior fit that pattern.
Posted 7/8/2010 4:50 PM (GMT -5)
I'm so relieved you're going to try talking with her psychiatrist! That is such a good step. I don't have bipolar myself, but have known several people diagnosed with it - and it is a roller coaster when they're not controlled.

My apologies if I pushed too much about it.

I really hope you can find a way to bring peace back to your family. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. We do care what happens.
Posted 7/8/2010 4:57 PM (GMT -5)
Nice Guy,
Welcome to Healing Well and all of us. I've had arthritis and fibro for a long, long time. My sex drive is diminished to non-existant
but how much for me may be age related. A hysterectomy at 32 plus plus plus. It bothers my man that I could care less about it
but some of my issue is with severe leg pain which is finally being addressed by the dr. Me, I only go online to a couple of game
sites and here. I've seen the internet interfere with many relationships. The guy I'm with years ago got onto a local bimbo site
complete with pix. That kind of killed a lot of my feelings towards "doing it".

My son's ex was on the internet while he worked and hooked up with quite a few. Both guys and girls (never knew she was
bi-sexual until then). She also didn't have any interest in her kids. She walked out on 2 little girls and never looked back.
My son tried taking her back several times but finally said "No More". She was also on SSDI for being slightly handicapped
but boy, could she figure her was around a computer.

I hope all goes well with you but look into your heart and see where you and the kids need to be even if it's just you guys.
Sometimes you're all better off without the unreasonable problems.

Godspeed,
Nana Monster
Posted 7/8/2010 8:40 PM (GMT -5)
I know that fibro does many things to us but she is sounding very selfish to me.  Also these late night jaunts are totally unacceptable, my husband would freak.  Maybe she is trying to make up for lost time ( partying) but if she can leave the house at 10:00pm and get in at 4 ish am, there is a whole lot more she can do around the house and with the kids.  She is looking for something in my opinion and not necessarily just her fibro related issues.

I wish you luck.

Posted 7/8/2010 10:24 PM (GMT -5)
Hi - I guess I'm getting in on this thread a little late, but I wanted to say how badly I feel for your troubles. This is a very bad situation as you well know.

I have had fibro for 3 1/2yrs. Six months after my diagnosis, I had to quit my job - which just happened to be working as my husband's secretary and parts manager for his business. He "fired" me so to speak, but in a loving way. All I would do is cry from the pain and lay my head on the desk at work.

I did start spending a lot of time on the net at that point, and I made some good friends (guys and gals). But I always included my husband in all these friendships and together we have met two of them in person, along with their wives. They are much older than me, and are like father figures I never had. I would have never considered meeting these people without my husband. I am very committed to this man who understands my fibro so well. He is an excellent husband. I guess what I'm saying is this is extremely wrong of your wife to be doing what she is. She is leading a separate life from you and your children. She has emotionally abandoned her family. It is time to face what she is doing and lay down the law (so to speak). If she can't abide by whatever marriage rules you give her it's time to move on and let the chips fall where they may. She has brought this upon herself.

I too have had severe depression for 26yrs. I've been hospitalized at least 15 times for for it. Never in that time did I do such things as your wife is doing. It is not normal even for a very depressed person. I think bi-polar is a possibility, but it does not excuse this behavior.

Also, my husband and I had good friends about 10yrs ago that we did everything with. All of a sudden the wife started flirting with other men when we were out to a concert etc.... The next thing we knew, she had online boyfriends, and spent all her time on the net. She then left her husband, and one of her on-line boyfriends moved from 4 states away, to be with her. Our friends divorced, and she stayed living with this man, even though she had two young girls with her husband. None of this seemed to bother her in the least. What you are talking about concerning your wife really brings back memories of this very sad situation that we went through with our friends.

Sorry to go on and on, but I thought maybe something in my stories might help you see things as they are. I am concerned for you and your children. If she won't get help, please get help for yourself. This is hurting your children terribly too.
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