HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Those non-fibromite "I've had that, too" comments

Support Forums
>
Fibromyalgia
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 6/3/2013 7:14 AM (GMT -5)
Just a mini vent.....

I've been dealing with some fibro-related  issues the past week.  Without giving specifics (since I know if you have fibro, you can relate), I brought them up in a short email to a relative, since I had major flaring nerve pain and was unable to stop by her house.  My pain level has been super high the past couple of days, but seems to be easing off today (I hope).  I've had to use heat, cold, Tylenol, and gabapentin, with just some relief.  So.....guess what this person said when I (shortly) explained I was in pain, and how the fibro pain tends to flare and hit nerves, and I unable to visit (I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count!): 

 "Oh, I've had that, too."

GRRR.  shocked rolleyes skull    Granted, this person is known for hypochrondria and always trying to "one up" people, but no--she does not have fibro and has never "had that, too."

Thanks for letting me vent.  I'm taking deep breaths and feeling a bit better.   :-)

Posted 6/3/2013 7:24 AM (GMT -5)
all I can say is LOL.

Dear Mrs Jones,

Pain disorder is not a competition. Be thankful that you don't suffer from chronic pain, and give the person with the real condition speak out and be heard...

Luvzminis,

I hope you feel better today, but don't over do it with your new found "freedom" from the shackles of fibro.
Posted 6/3/2013 7:28 AM (GMT -5)
Thanks, Fibro$ufferer. Yes, I should LOL, too, really.

I'm better now. It was just one of those things that bugs me. I like your comment that it's not a competition. AMEN!!
Posted 6/3/2013 9:24 AM (GMT -5)
Wishing you better days ahead!

Only others with chronic pain truly understand. I've given up trying to make the normals understand. If there is something I can't participate in or do, I just say...that's something I can't do today but thanks for asking. I don't waste my breath trying to justify or explain anymore.

Hugs, Robin
Posted 6/3/2013 9:54 AM (GMT -5)
Good way to say it, Robin! Yes--I don't think they can really relate at all to our most severe pain, so why explain? Although, I might also get the "why not?" question, knowing this relative.....

I do like how you phrased that, tho. :)

Have a great day. :)
Posted 6/3/2013 12:59 PM (GMT -5)
Luvz,

I'm sorry you got that from your relative. The closer people are, the more it can hurt us.

For so long, I've felt that I should be an "ambassador" or something (talk about LOL) for Fibro, and for people with chronic illness in general - to pretty much no avail.

When my mother-in-law was here in December, I was telling her how I use my reacher all the time (following spine surgery.) Her comment was, "Oh, I'd be too embarassed." 82 years old and she can't relate (head smack.) I said I didn't have a choice. What I wanted to say was, "What the ~ does embarassed have to do with it? Don't you think I need to pull up my pants and slip on my shoes and pick up things that have fallen, 50 times a day?"

I just don't get people. Maybe she thinks her son follows me around like a puppy all day, doing my bidding (har har!)

Anyway, more and more, I'm doing what Robin does - not wasting my precious energy. Who are they to judge us?

Glad you're doing better today.

Debbie
Posted 6/3/2013 4:46 PM (GMT -5)
To luvzminis,
I had to write cause I don't believe there is anyway to explain FM n the pain n exhaustion n why we "couldn't stop by". Just when I thought there was one or two who understood they shocked me n one listed all the things I missed! It broke my heart in two that all this time I thought she understood she was making lists. Unbelievable...
I've given up trying to explain I think! I don't believe there are words?
I have many herniated disc' s n IC n a load of other related things but fibromyalgia has done me in.
Posted 6/3/2013 8:09 PM (GMT -5)
Thanks, Debbie. And that comment about "Oh, I'd be too embarrassed": Sheesh! Talk about not relating! It's so true--some people really REALLY don't get it, and after a short while it becomes glaringly clear they're not going to 'get it' (or don't want to, maybe).

miss lynn: How odd that that person was making lists of the things you missed! Yes, there are people close to us who we think 'should' understand, and it sure has me scratching my head that they don't. Worse, they don't try.
The relative I mentioned has a history of sorts of that type of behavior, so I don't know why I'm surprised or irritated since I should be used to it. Still, you would think some people would mature over time and be a little more understanding, wouldn't you? Oh well... With her it seems to be "all about me" and she is the type to blame everyone else for everything. That's just who she is, and really, it's kind of sad.

Thanks for the replies. Always nice to know no one here is alone. :)
Posted 6/3/2013 8:32 PM (GMT -5)
With tongue in cheek I would have said, "Good! Then you totally understand why I'm not coming by today."

Luvsminis, people just aren't going to understand unless they have fibro. I don't bother even trying to explain this to people. They really aren't interested anyway. Try not to let these insensitive people get to you. I know it's frustrating but you just can't change people.

I do hope, though, that you ARE feeling better now. Don't let her comment stress you out because you know that spells more pain. You can't let her do that to you.

Have a good evening.

Sherrine
Posted 6/3/2013 8:47 PM (GMT -5)
LOL, Sherrine--I love that first tongue-in-cheek comment!  Good one! tongue


So true--people aren't going to 'get it' unless they have fibro. It pretty much goes in one ear and out the other. I've pretty much reached the point where I think "oh well...."  They've had their opportunities to try to understand, but they really don't care if they do or not.  That's life.

Thanks, Sherrine. Yes, I am feeling better. I had major nerve pain over the weekend from a dental procedure last week. Almost to the point of considering going to the ER for a shot because of throbbing pain (the reason I didn't stop in to visit this relative), but much better today.


And you're right--stress only spells more pain and I'm not about to let anyone do that to me!

Have a great evening, too. :-)

Posted 6/4/2013 12:10 AM (GMT -5)
Long ago...pre-fibro, when I was pregnant with my first child and I was complaining to my MIL about a pregnancy symptom when my hypochondriac brother-in-law walked into the room. Hearing the complaint he promptly said "Oh, I have that!" We all laughed and asked "Oh, are you pregnant too?" It didn't stop him but it still gives hubby and me something to laugh about. That particular baby is coming home from his first year at college on the 14th (not that I'm excited or anything.)

So, yes, it is really frustrating that other's don't, won't and can't understand what we are going through. But it wouldn't matter, we could be dying of cancer and those types would "Have that."

As for "friends" who are keeping score...what-the-heck? With "friends" like that who needs enemies? True definition of a "frenemy" I guess. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
Posted 6/4/2013 7:19 AM (GMT -5)
Thanks, Joy.

What a great, hilarious story about your hypochondriac B-I-L! LOL!! But isn't that the way some people are? Wow.

Actually, I try my best to ignore the subject of fibro around the people who don't get it and make silly comments. I've been bitten a few times now, and it does no good to try to explain anything to them--they just don't listen or really care, anyway.

As for this relative, her nose is already a little 'out of joint' because I disagreed with her a couple months back about some issues another rellie has. It's "agree with the queen or else!" She's the type to run to other relatives and whine, so I've begun to keep my distance, while still trying to be 'nice' and not cut her off entirely. She has many other emotional issues, as well. It hasn't been easy! I knew she would go ballistic if I didn't stop by her house and pick up some items, since she knew I was going to be in her neighborhood.  That's the only reason I felt I had to explain to her that I was unable to visit her, though I was nearby.  Last time I'll do that! (let her know when I'm in the area).

Ditto with "frenemies" (like that word!) as you mentioned. I've lost some friends from not being able to go to events. I do try to go when I'm able, but unfortunately, many of these events are outdoor, often during the cooler months (bonfires, etc.) or during the winter months when my body falls apart. I do get together when I can during the warm months when I function!

I guess all we can do is the best we can, with where we're at.

Thanks again to you and everyone here for the great thoughts. :)
Posted 6/4/2013 8:19 AM (GMT -5)
It's either "I've got that too" or some starting to give you lecture like why not do more exercise? Or go to bed early. Easier said than done... body already in lots of pain, last thing on my mind is to stress it even more... go to bed earlier... don't get me started with that one. Yes, I'm really tired, but the pain is keeping me up... do you have a horse tranquilliser? That would really help!

I have a don't ask don't tell policy especially with my mum, I know she's got the best of intention but it's a bit daunting making her worried. I will mask my pain issues to appear "normal", to avoid being asked lots of questions that will end up being given lots of "advise" that either I've tried or is full of fad anyway.
Posted 6/4/2013 9:06 AM (GMT -5)
Yep!  I had a friend that used to harp on me every time she saw me take ibuprofen.  I tried to explain to her that this was the only way I was moving and it was like a wonder drug for me but of course she couldn't understand.  I just started backing away from the friendship because I wasn't going to be scolded like a little child for doing what my doctors told me to do.

 

Life is too short to have irritating people in your life plus these people cause us stress.  I eliminate as many as I can if they won't try to either understand or keep theirs mouths shut when it comes to my health.  If they are a family member, I don't get together with them one on one.  If they are in a group of family members, I spend my time with the other people.  If they come over to give me advice, I let them know I have things under control and either change the subject or go help in the kitchen. 

 

This is a good reason why I don't discuss my health problems with people.  They really don't want to hear it or they think they know what's best for you.  After all, Aunt Elsie and Uncle Elmer had the same thing and still were milking cows at 5 AM.  devil

 

Sherrine

Posted 6/4/2013 9:10 AM (GMT -5)
Ohhhhh, yeah, Sherrine. I so hear you!! That analogy about Aunt Elsie and Uncle Elmer speaks volumes! smhair

And Fibro$ufferer:  Don't ya just love unsolicited advice on fibro?  Ah--if they only knew, they would probably actually be embarrassed by what they've said. turn

Posted 6/4/2013 10:03 AM (GMT -5)
Thank you all, I so enjoy reading about u all n how much I am the same n going thru the same. I guess I have to come to terms with everything n maybe even let more people go from my life? I don't think I expect too much? I'd rather not talk about any of it but when I say I can't or no they keep on going with the same STUFF, you'll feel better, it will be good for you, you rest too much! This probably sounds familiar right? One person with FM told me when they ask how u are, never say good ( unless by luck it's true,) but say the truth, say I'm getting by. Does anyone think it's a good idea? I did it once but I got a look like, ok explain that? And that's the last thing I want.
I don't know about you all but I've been on permanent disability since 2003 cause of my many nerniated disc 's n IC. So u would think I'd have it a little easier, but NO...
Posted 6/4/2013 10:11 AM (GMT -5)
Lynn, when someone asks how I am, I say I'm fine, thank you.  They really don't want to know anyway.  It's usually a form of greeting. 

 

If it is a person that is always telling you what you should or shouldn't do, I'd still say I was fine and change the subject.  If they persist, you can always say your health is not open for discussion today.  Sometimes you have to be firm.

 

If a person is constantly doing this, that's when I back off.  I have friends that I adore because they accept me just the way I am.  I have many health issues plus I'm legally deaf and have to read lips to understand speech but they don't care.  They just want to be friends.  That's what friends really do.  They accept each other and help each other out without being judgemental.  You accept  your friends with all their problems so they should accept you, too. 

 

Sherrine

Posted 6/4/2013 10:15 AM (GMT -5)
People are trying to empathize with you, but it is irritating. People who haven't been there get it wrong, so many times! They mean well, mostly, but I have stopped mentioning it.

My BF is training for this bike ride. He did three hours on Saturday, something like 45 miles. While we were watching, he kept groaning about his knees and hip. I got him a heating pad, and icy hot, etc. Then, I said "Hon, I really DO understand. Imagine if this never went away." He turned to me and said, "Yeah, since I have been doing this training, I have been thinking a lot about that. I think I understand better." Validation!
Posted 6/4/2013 10:27 AM (GMT -5)
Wow 09, that was was a great comparison n sooo true.
I love your saying too.
Posted 6/4/2013 10:36 AM (GMT -5)
Sherrine, you seem to be very wise n yes I think I will go back to saying
" fine thank you"... also you are lucky to have those good friends who do or try to understand.
I'm not looking for pity, never ever ever pls, but that one person who was keeping a list of all I missed was one of my daughter's n it just happened a couple months ago.
Posted 6/4/2013 11:38 AM (GMT -5)
That makes it really difficult Lynn, but just tell yourself she has more maturing to do.  Also, you do not need to discuss your health issues with her either. 

 

If you really want to try to get her to understand a little, go into Fibro 101 and print out the links called The Spoon Theory, A Thorough Explanation of Fibromyalgia, and Doctors Respond to New York Times Article and then give them to her to read.  If she still doesn't understand, I would have discussions about my health off limits.  You can love her a lot and she can love you a lot without discussions about pain.

 

Sherrine

Posted 6/4/2013 11:57 AM (GMT -5)
Thank you! I have given n sent her articles but i I will try what u suggest.
I never do bring up my health but it comes up when I have to say no or maybe next time.
Posted 6/4/2013 12:58 PM (GMT -5)
Yea'. Just goofy human nature. Believe me, being out in left field all of my life, it's almost always a stretch when people try to place themselves on the same page as I am.

No different with my Fibro / IBS. I mean, if a person doesn't have it themselves, then they pretty much have no clue, of what spills from their mouth.

Even though a Dr. or loved one of a person with Fibro, might know more than the average person on the street, they still, certainly could not relate with our situation, the way we do amongst ourselves, here.....
Which, is why we are here in the first place, right ? :)

Peace,
Fish
Posted 6/4/2013 4:37 PM (GMT -5)
Good points, everyone!

I have a friend who will ask ("out of the blue") things like, "I would guess with this weather, your fibro is really bad. How are you doing?" I'm always surprised she remembers and asks, and find it thoughtful. I think because she has ulcerative colitis, she can relate to chronic illness. I try to remember to ask her how she is, too!  She's always been a thoughtful, giving person.

But isn't it true: There are many (most) people who really aren't interested and/or don't have any idea what we go through. Yes--better to say nothing. This even occurred to me before I emailed my relative and said I wouldn't be able to stop by. But knowing her and her many questions (tends to pry a bit), I thought I'd just 'get it over with' and tell her the reason why.

  Even so, in the future, with this individual, I think I'll just say nothing. Looking back at my 'sent emails' I see that I had briefly explained in my first email why I wouldn't be stopping by.  Yet, she had to respond with the "me, too" auto response she always gives.  This makes me even more determined to never "go there" in discussion with her again.  Lesson learned! yeah


Fish, you nailed it: Thank heavens for this forum!! tongue   :-) turn    Very thankful for all of you.

Posted 6/4/2013 5:34 PM (GMT -5)
My niece is always harping on me about doing aerobics with her. I tell her I can't do the type she does because it would be too much for me.

The other day she came in my room complaining that her ankles hurt her something terrible because she wore her high heel shoes for the first time in months.
I chose that moment to explain my pain to her. I said, "Imagine having that pain all over your body and never going away". She gave a grimic and nodded slowly.
I think it finally dawned on her.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12