needing to vent

wow all of these post I can relate to, so glad I found this site! My dad and I have never been close. He was an alcoholic all my life never around, never was there for me as a child or even an adult. But I excepted him for who he is. He moved to Ill. about 9 yrs ago. a year and half ago the doctors said he hd 6 mon. to a yr to live. So I moved him to Oklahom to live with me n my family. it had now been a yr and half. During this time my father n I have built a relationship that weve never had, and his grandchildren know him n vice versa. Within these past few months evrything has gone down hill. He is in End Stage Liver Failure, has liver cancer, has had prostate cancer, throat cancer, encephalopathy, acsites, you name it we are dealing with it! the last trip to hospital 2 wks ago they decided it was over, he is now on hospice. I have so many mixed emotions! Thank God I have a wonderful husband and family who r here to help and support me! My issue right now is, his ammonia level is 91, he is so confused, n refuses to take reccomended dose of lactulose. he says hes not goig to spend night n day sh**ting in his pants. My stepmom who lives in Dallas kept trying to push him into taking it. at first I wsa too, but after thinking about it, I ask myself why? this is where I feel bad. If he takes it, confusion will get better and prolong this whole situation, n if we dont we will move forward to the ultimate outcome. I cant handle this for a long period of time, part of me wants to hang on but another part wants for him to just die peacfully and quickly. Not to be prolonged. is this bad????? does anyone else dealing with this??? I am the one here 24/7, he cant be left alone. He also had issues from the radiation from prostate treatment, they did surgrey to stop bleeding from rectum, but here within the last couple of days bleeding is starting to increase again. it got so bad last time they had to give him blood, well now that he is a DNR they wont be transfusing him again. Man I wish I ws good at typing all that I feel, but im not, there is so much more, and Im just feeling overwhelmed with alot of mixed emotions!!

thank you for the reassuring words! Just the mind can toss n turn so much and make you think ur a horriable person for thinking such thoughts!

It was my impression that Lactulose is for the confusion that is caused by ammonia in the brain.  That's it.  It does not prolong life.  Someone correct me, please, if I'm wrong.  My thought is that if he doesn't take it, he could still linger on for months and be even more difficult to care for than he is now.

However, I do agree with what everyone else said.  If you can do no more for your dad, you've already gone above and beyond, considering the history of the relationship.

Hugs,

Connie