Sorry, here comes Miss Worry Wart again....

EAch day I go thru an unbearable, desperate spell that last for several hours.  It used to come on at certain times, like near the end of work and 2-3 hours at home.  It is a physical anxiety and unbearable depression --  thoughts of suicide constantly play across my mind, altho I cannot be free to do that and am not ready to die. I just often want to.

My LLMD says this is probably a herx.

Anyway, yesterday was about the worst -- I completely wigged out.  I wonder if anyone out there experiences this. First, I had that unexplainable, physical anxiety that stiffins all muscles and bones.  Then the depression and uncontrollable crying begins, w/ the desperate, begging prayers.

If I can ever get well, I am planning to move to NC next year to be near my again parents and see what I can do to help.  I have planned on this move taking a year to prepare -- save up money, who knows how much I'll needand I don't know how to save because I don't earn enough. I plan to go thru everything I own and get rid of almost everything.

I will be leaving my grown children. And part of this anguish is that my daugther is engaged to be married in May. I know they will start a family asap and so I will be missing out on my first grandchild.  Either choice is anguish: whether I stay here w/ my kids and not be w/ my parents (who are awesome people) or whether I miss out on my kids' lives. At least for awhile.

I'm also in charge of a major dog adoption event here the end of Oct and have much MUCH work to do.  Then, the very thought of putting on Thanksgiving and then Christmas is causing me to flip out. Mostly because my place is such a disaster because I have not been well. I do all I can, which is work, take half assed care of my dogs, and do a cleaning job for cash on the weekends which pretty well cripples me.

And then, so NOW I have to prepare for a wedding in May -- just one more thing.

Right now, I just can't do it. I resent the fact that I have to push myself to work while in constant pain --- and nobody knows the least of the toll it's taking on me.

Anyway, on to the point. Last nite was BAD. She met the guy 2 monts ago, they are head over heels, she is moving in w/ him (45 min away) and then move a little farther away when he builds their house (he's a carpenter) I am thrilled and happy for her because she is 28 and finally found Mr. Right.

But all this stuff kind of got thrown on me out of the blue. The wedding, etc.  I don't feel I can do it!

I have a desperate problem at work and I feel that I cannot go on w/ it.

Last nite, I began experiencing the oncoming depression and anxiety. It is and was bad.  Almost every evening I fall completely apart and the misery in my brain becomes unbearable and I don't feel like I can go on. I understand I cannot leave everybody or my dogs, but I can't bear it anymore. I went bezerk -- I did not tear anything up, altho I wanted to. I just screamed and whacked everything w/ towels, cursing and feeeling totally out of control.  I was completely psychotic. And I have no one to talk to w/o hurting them.

My anxiety and anti-depession meds help to mellow me out, but that didn't work until I drank 2 Mike's, which I know is not good for lyme (hard punch)

Today I could not force myself out of bed on time and have taken 5 xanax to go back to bed. That's all I want to do.

So, I guess my question or all of you is this: I already know many of you suffer severe anxiety and depression.  Do you ever feel psychotic?

I never knew what true psychois was and looked it up. I'm not full fledged, but am headed in that direction.  I read that the causes are many, amongst them are xanax and Lyme disease.

Does anyone out there feel this bad? (psychotic) And do you believe I will find relief if my Lyme improves?  (I am already on a stout dose of antidepressants and xanax)

Or do you think I could truly be becoming this way, in spite of the Lyme. I am a 57 yr old female.  Right now I have in my possession a photo of my Great grandmother on my mother's side, who I never knew. The only thing the family knows is that she died because of menopause.  My mother says that nobody know what happend and nobody ever talked about it. At first, I swear she said that she must have killed herself. The next time, she said 'Oh no, she died of 'nerves'" She did not know what that meant, and just said, well, you know people can die of 'nerves'.

So I'm scared of the possibility of something serious being passed down, along w/ the fact that my grandmother on my dad's side had some serious issues, as well as an uncle on that same side.

Sorry for the length of this, but does anyone else out there relate to this? I don't know what I will do if I go totally bezerk.

Post Edited (+Lyme) : 9/10/2010 1:52:12 PM (GMT-6)

Hey +Lyme:
So sorry you are feeling so lousy!  Please do what is best for you right now.  If you can't handle certain things, stay away from them!  I think is the lyme that is playing with your head.  I found this article, maybe it will help see you are not the only one that's having suicidal thoughts:
http://www.angelfire.com/ny2/James/page79.html

Feel better and do ONLY what you can handle!

Good luck!

AS ALWAYS, Thank you so much everyone -- it is somewhat a relief to hear others speak of psychosis, and not just the depression and anxiety.

Achieving Grace, unfortunately there is no one willing to help me (in my personal life) My kids are good to me, except in that respect. If I had cancer, I don't think it would be any different. They do sometimes listen, but are pretty sick of it, esp my daughter. Part of the problem -- I have no one to talk to and thank God for all of you.

Caldonia and Simela -- thank you for jumping in there. It helps to know that this may get better before it gets much worse.

I was completely thru menopause and done several years before the tick bite, so I believe it is the infections. My last LLMD told me my testosterone was a little low (amongst adrenals and others), so if I keep on like this, perhaps I will need to ask my new Dr for tests.

I went thru this last time I was on heavy abx for 2 months -- not as bad, but I remember some of it. Then I had relief. My 2nd bottle of augmentin is almost gone, maybe that will be a milestone?

Everyone, your posts have helped tremendously. I'm sure these episodes will happen again and am hoping I will be better able to cope w/ it. Or at least 'shut down' for awhile. My kids don't want to hear about it anymore, nor should they have to hear this crap from their mother. And as much as I want to cry to Mommy and Daddy, the are in their 80's w/ their own infirmities -- I need to be helping them.

I have abadoned most of my friends -- I have told them I am ill, and they are sorry, but pretty much are sick of the fact that I have not pulled myself up by my bootstraps.

So, short of walking into a hospital, you are all I've got.

I think what is worst about this disease is that there is no guarrantee that will not come back to get you later on, even if one feels ok now. I feel ok now, but from reading so many stories, I leave in a bit of anxiety and fear. I was panicky a couple of weeks ago, I have had anxiety in the past, shorness a breath, even went to ER once (not that they figured out what was wrong with me). I find overwhelming my bad days, because I can't do anything, not even thing clearly. It definatelly messes up with your head. Try to do things that you enjoy doing, your daughter can't expect you to do much even on her big day, she must understand your limitations.

It is hard for people to understand because we seem ok at times, but it really doesn't matter what people think, it matters what is best for us!

If you read the story in the link I provided, you will see that the women that wrote that blog went through thoughts of suicide, too. 

Feel better and know that there are people that care about you here.

Ohhhhhh, yeah, the anxiety, and the depression and of course the psychosis (that not easy to spell on days like this!) I have been TOTALLY convinced - twice now - that hubby is out to destroy me. That's total nonsense of course, but the last time -just about a year ago - both of my kids had to make the trip up here to 'talk some sense into mom'. Even though I know that it's the disease, I am still very embarrassed about having these 'moments'.

VERY well put Achieving!!!

And like Caldonia said - we're all running around barefoot!!! And we have a tendency to stub our toes a lot, as we try to find something that will work to help us either live with damage or live with symptoms.

I have figured out how to look at a lot more of my life with humor - sometimes it's a morbid humor, but hey!!! It's not easy being a Lymie!!!

+Lyme - You have given me sound advice & real concern for me over the years I have been active on this forum. It keeps getting pointed out on this thread, but remember - YOU ARE SICK - you no longer can do it all!! Your daughter should understand. It would be a terrible thing for me to have to chose between a parent & my child. Maybe you should chose which ever one will help you to get to a mental place where you could unload some of that life-killing stress ?? I don't know your exact situations & it's a choice only you should make -but it's a thought.

We are all 'pulling for you'!!!
Sending plenty of ((((hugs)))) ((((hugs)))),
warm, comforting thoughts,
and of course peace.


Trav

I have been going through spells for a few years now. Absolutely psychotic episodes. Now I know what they are and try and do deep breathing. I have learned though to regress and hide out and not force myself to deal with things that cause stress. Unfortunately that had severely dulled my social life and I have lost some friends. But it is the only way I am going to get well. I am now on xanax and cymbalta which seems to really be helping. People just don't understand what it is like and I am sick and tired of trying to explain what it is like. I just say I'm not up to this or that and enjoy my home and family and sanctity. Stay strong (which is what I tell myself over and over again) and things will get better. The more you fight it off, the harder it will be. Go with it and be easier on yourself. I have found relaxing and sleep to be what keeps me feeling well.

Hey, those foot baths have more than 1 purpose, they soften the calluses I have on my feet from walking around with no shoes or socks on!  And yeah, I am most certainly Goofy! Certifiably (is that how you spell it?) Goofball!  LOL!

Ummm, it has to be the right high heels cause if their not, they do hurt..  I am very careful as to what high heels I do wear, only the comfy ones..  yeah!

Ahhh, how I love my boots with heels... Makes me feel much taller and I am already 5'6 unless I shrunk a bit from age..  wish my feet would shrink instead of getting bigger! 

lyme+ ,,what antibiotics or other meds r u on? i get to that point everyday. yjat i just cant fac the fight or really dont want to anymore. my life id complete mess.

Sure glad the corny jokes helped & didn't hurt!!! I do worry about that, but most of the time I just can't help myself!!!!

Lyme+
so you ARE on ABX right now? are you ready for this one? I just read about taking showers and scrubbing your body with borax.

I am really tempted to try it. It sounds nuts. I am gonna try find that sight . it was on another forum. I saw it last night.

do you do coffee enema? that is for me has been most helpful . I have been doing them for 15 yrs because I was diagnosed with hep c and thought this was what all these lyme symptoms was.

what is your adrenals like. they say if you are on thyroid and your cortisol is not in line it can make you go crazy.
I really know the feeling where you are at. it gets pretty bleak and black. I also take choline and inosotol. the brain function if it dipps to low can take the will to live away for me. I think the biggest thing for many of us is after a decade or two or three of this we start to say to ourselves everyday at some point."where is this all going?" what keeps me trying and hanging on? how much more can I take and why would I want to. I can't make any plans or try to start a job or business porject because I will only be able to put one third of energy into it at best. the isolation is dangerous for me but I do need my alone time but not when I am crying in a ball. I know that feeling .

WEll, Trav, the reason I have not yet (key word 'yet') turned to naturopaths, etc, is because I don't feel I've had enough 'standard' treatment yet. I had 2 mo of abx last year, after which I had a lot of relief. Because I didn't have the out of pocket to continue w/ that LLMD, I waited until I was finally called in by an LLMD who takes my insurance, and who claims his patients get better.

I've been on these abx now for 2 months and some of the sick Lyme feelings have improved -- altho they do flare up very nastily at times -- and this Dr believes I am herxing. He also thinks that my mental/ emotional issues are from herxing. I don't know if this could be true or not, but I do recall bad mental issues while on abx last year.

Lately, I have felt way past 'mental issues', at times almost psychotic, and that is why I posted here. I wanted to know for sure if this disease, or the herxes could actually cause one to feel THAT bad, and so far, I'm hearing that they can.

I have also had untreated babesia for over 3 yrs now. I don't completely understand my Dr wanting to hold off on that treatment for a little bit -- he says he doesn't want to add 'insult to injury' by adding babesia herxes. Personally, when I get sick (not just in the head), I believe it is the babs. Another couple of weeks and I think I can nag him again.

I personally do not have the cash to see anyone else or any alternative treatments at this time. Doing what I can w/ the vitamins and detox.

I am also holding out a lot of hope for LDN. He has expressed a willingness to prescribe this if I was able to find a compounding pharmacy and could afford it. It is covered by my insurance and is supposed to be cheap.

So I have just located the pharmacy and sent him the message about it and really hoping to get to try this.

Both here and on the MS board, I have read mixed reviews and many say it has not helped them. What I have noted on the LDN info sites is 1) This should not be compounded as extended/ time released, because it is not effective that way, but many pharmacies have done this anyway. 2) The compounding pharmacy MUST ensure TOP QUALITY compounding (or whatever you call it) or it will not be effective.

I read that 2 people would have wildly varying experiences, until the one whose health was deteriorating switched to the others' pharmacy. And then they would experience improvement.

So I am hoping that, knowing this, we can get a good product.

So, as I said, Traveler, at this time I am stuck w/ what my insurance will pay for, and to whom. For some reason, I believe that abx CAN eradicate Lyme disease and it's a matter of finding the abx that will work for a person and the right dose. But, also, unfortunately, I think it's possible that someone who's been on abx for so long, may be facing a built up immunity to them, and/or another chronic virus or infection is preventing improvement. I'm betting that most of us have infections and viruses we don't even know about.

Right now, I am scared to death of proceeding into MS or Parkinson's, etc and that's a huge reason I am anxious to get onto LDN.

Post Edited (+Lyme) : 9/12/2010 12:55:07 PM (GMT-6)

+Lyme, I can relate to a lot of what you are going through and wondering what your diet is like? I know for me coffee is a very strong stimulant that causes me anxiety, and I know it's not the cause but it does stimulate it so I never drink coffee.

What has helped me is deep breathing (yogic breathing) and I think cutting wheat / gluten and dairy also helps, occasionally I will have Goat cheese and only eat organic white meats / eggs.

The best supplements for anxiety and depression for me have been Relora (which also helps blood sugar), Shizandra, and L-Thianine which is an amino acid that really does work! I take only the pill form because the tinctures have some alcohol content which obviously can't be taken with abx.

I'm wondering also if you have had your thyroid levels checked? Not just TSH but reverse T3 and T4. My T3 levels are low which causes depression and anxiety. Since I've been on T3 (Troche from a compound pharmacy) I have improved a lot with depression. I also have other hormonal issues and taking bio-identical progesterone which also helps. You will need a doctor who does prescribe bio-identical hormones - I think it's so worth looking into!

Hope this helps.