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Posted 10/21/2012 12:46 PM (GMT -5)
I have this girlfriend , known her for 12 yrs . She is married to a not so great partner , and he's been a source of alot of distress in our friendship over the years but we have gotten thru.

This friend is 10 yrs younger than I , has one step daughter who she is quite abrasive with , but no kids of her own . I have alwys shared health/diet advice with her ( I have for a long time been very interested in alternative living and more natural foods ) ... she use to act like she was interested in knowing what i have to share ...

since I have not felt so hot over the years most of the time , and t hen last fall had a complete exhaustion of neuro/muscular symptoms and went thru a very trying time and have not quite been the same since ( although better than during the flare ) .. she has acted very mean and judgemental towards me on many occasions . Whenever I even begin to mention my woes she sighs or snorts or just about hangs up on me lately . I believe she has even hung up on me ( but later says oh no my phone went dead or I hit a button ) .. she seems to interrupt and make a forced fake laugh and correct me or question me implying that I am contradicting myself ( example if I said I wasn't eating gluten /wheat but then said I made grain free pancakes , she'll jump on it and say "wait I thought you said you couldn't have gluten why are you eating pancakes ????? ) I am getting short fused with her because she is really hurting my feelings , that I have to keep defending myself . Also that I have lended my ear , my time and my sympathy over the years letting her unload all of her maritual problems , and also listen to her cry and complain about not liking her body or her weight and all her failed diet attempts , never making fun of her or judging her .

This is very serious what I am dealing with and she is being a ***** to me about it , pardon my language but I am just not going to sugar coat it . She just has a snippy attitude towards me for the past several months . I have tried to figure out what this is all stemming from and really I am starting to believe that its just she is getting "sick and tired " of hearing about my health problems .. poor her .. that she has to "hear" how bad her friend is feeling ..

I wish lyme on no one , she is lucky I dont wish it on her though . ARGH

So I have decided after first feeling very sad like I am a nuisance to realize that she is just a self absorbed fake excuse for a friend and that I have indeed wasted my time being there for her for the the past 12 yrs . I decided instead of calling her and having her screen her calls and me feel rejected that I will infact take charge of my emotions and my life and eliminate her from my life . She has been really hurting my feelings and maybe our phase of friendship is long gone .

It just sucks because I already felt like my world was getting smaller and smaller because I stay home so much because of the anxiety and fatigue and other symptoms that this infection has created . So I feel isolated at home . But if I am going to heal , I need to change my outlook and if she is upsetting me and making me upset and stressed than she is hampering my healing .

Do you ever feel like lyme has really put your friendships and family relationships to the true test ?? I am learning that you really can count your true friends on one hand... if that !

Posted 10/21/2012 12:51 PM (GMT -5)
I also wanted to add that her behavior is like she is snickering at me , or mocking me , and I also from some of the comments she has made she is acting like I am just "screwed up" and that she has a family and a husband and I am interupting her family time etc..
I haven't even been calling her as much anymore and she does call me , we talk about all sorts of different topics , not just my health , but if I even mention it she'll react in that negative annoyed way . .. or she'll put me on the spot interrigating me like I'm lying or being contradictive .. sorry but this disease is a mess and it does leave you confused about how to eat , what is working ( just when you think something is working then you have a flare ... its hard to know what is good or bad ) .. I have nicely explained this to her but she still acts the same . I feel like talking to her is additional punishment , LOL ..
Maybe I just dont like HER anymore :-)
Posted 10/21/2012 1:00 PM (GMT -5)
Yes. I find that pretty much nobody except for one immediate family member wants to hear anything about Lyme. They tell me to ignore it, that it's not serious or they just ignore me altogether. Nobody ever asks me how I'm feeling or if they can help somehow. I actually do not tell anyone anymore that I have Lyme because everyone I have told has treated me differently.

That's why I come on here and other Lyme boards. It's nice to know someone else understands things. Everyone else thinks that just because you don't "look" sick you must not be. In my case, I'm actually starting to have some visible symptoms, but people still act like I'm making it up or am a hypochondriac.
Posted 10/21/2012 2:04 PM (GMT -5)
Summer .. EXACTLY !

It sucks confused

Also it sucks that there is no test that will clearly give you a POSITIVE or NEG. .... becuase I think that factors in on how my friend is treating it ... like becuase I do not have piece of paper with a solid diagnosis than ...

Posted 10/21/2012 3:17 PM (GMT -5)
LottaANsy, this disease is tough, we all know it. Because, according to you, your world is "already small' I think you are putting up with far more from this 'friend' than you would otherwise. Sometimes, friendships run their course. There doesn't have to be some big dramatic blow out with you or her drawing lines in the sand. Sometimes, you just need to let them slip away. You cannot in your condition be tolerating such childish nonsense. She is not your friend. A true friend would stick by you even if she did think you were making it up! A true friend would think, "I don't know why she's behaving this way, making up this illness, but clearly she must need a friend right now." That is what a true friend would do. When you are better, and healed, you will feel like your old self and be able to make new friends--good ones. This is a blip in your road of life and it too shall pass. In the meantime, please (!!!!) do not put up with this kind of bulls*&^!! You don't need it, and you don't need her. She's selfish. I think if you were feeling more like yourself you'd see that more clearly. What would you say to me if I had written what you wrote?? You are not on this planet to be someone else's punching bag. My two cents. And believe me, I've had plenty of lonely days myself but I refuse to let people treat me like I'm worthless. LIVE STRONG!
Posted 10/21/2012 3:31 PM (GMT -5)
I've lived with this for quite a while myself. One thing it did teach me - although it's really nice to have at least a few friends, I don't need the fake ones.

I almost had to end my relationship with my own mother a few years back (3 years ago I think), as she was bringing more stress into our relationship. I flat told her that I had to put my health above ALL else now and if she couldn't understand that, I was really sorry (because I love my mom!) but that was how it would have to be. I just about held my breath for 2 days until she called me back and said she understood. The one thing I have is a few wonderful family members - my Mom, my Hubby and my daughter that will listen to the truth of how I am doing without any judgements.

I am careful how much I talk about it though, as I know that they don't want to hear nothing but the negatives. No one does, well....maybe we do here!! LOL!

You will be much better off Lotta without the added stress in your life. Really. As much as it may hurt now, in the end you will be better off. As you heal, I'm sure that you will begin to make new friends and hopefully they will not be the 'fake' friends like this one was.

I don't think just because we have a better test that it will be easier in any way- as far as how we are perceived - I think it will take getting the IDSA and the CDC viewing things the way that ILADS does in order for those types of things to change. Lots of people who understand these types of dynamics say that our 'fight' will take the same path as AIDS did so many years ago. It's truly a sad statement about 'people' in general in my eyes. No one should have to fight for acceptance just because they caught a disease. If we told people that we had cancer, MS, Parkinson's, or any number of other conditions that are okay to have, we would immediately have tons of sympathy and compassion.

***Slowing stepping down from my soap box now** blush
Posted 10/21/2012 3:38 PM (GMT -5)
In my case I was fortunate enough to test positive on various tests even by CDC standards. That doesn't change things either with the people I know. They pretty much outright say take a pill of doxy and stop exaggerating.

My strategy is to just not talk about Lyme to those people. I'll talk about other things, I'll still be cordial and friendly, but I'll make it clear that I don't really want their opinions regarding my health. I basically don't discuss my health unless they specifically ask me a question.
Posted 10/21/2012 3:45 PM (GMT -5)
Shabbychic , your words made me cry ~ in a good way :-))))
you are so right and you put it so well .... and you know something that happened from reading what you wrote.... I realize that I tend to think in this box when it comes to my future or outlook , I tend to feel like this life as I know it is the way it will always be . I really do forget that these symptoms and all that is hampering will hopefully not always be the way I feel . I like how you suggest not do by dramatic blow out or drawing lines inthe sand , I can just let it fade , I think a big blowout or confrontation over it would just get me all upset emotionally and make me sicker . I also like how you say when you are better and you are healed I will feel like my old self and make new friends ... better ones ... just hearing it made me feel hopeful ! I really seriously do forget that there is life after this , or should be anyway . Its just been sucha long time since I felt good for any length of time that I tend to accept this as forever . You are so right that if I wasn't feeling weak , vulnerable and sick and tired all the time , I would NOT be bothering with associating with someone who always made me feel bad . I would not .. I put up with it so far because I feel like no one new would want to bother with me , or like I would be a burden with all my depressing "issues" . But maybe its not so important for me to be worrying about other people and whether they are here or not rightnow , I kind of feel like maybe withdrawing and nuturing myself right now should be my focus . And then when I am feeling better again I surely will get out there but with the knowledge that you shouldn't put alot of weight on other people for support , find it within :-) Hence your statement .. LIVE STRONG ! thankyou
Posted 10/21/2012 4:12 PM (GMT -5)
Hi Lotta,

Yep, you don't need this person in your life.  Sounds to me like a "conditional" friendship which is really not a "true" friendship...  I feel for you I really do.

Out of the many lessons I learned from this disease, I found out who my real friends were.  Guess what?  I didn't have many "real" friends!  My forum friends were my support and of course my doggies when they were alive.  

Hey, maybe your fake friend has lyme?  idea rolleyes idea

Your "real" friend,

Denise

Posted 10/21/2012 4:29 PM (GMT -5)
I agree with the other posts. If she was your friend she would offer to help you , not put you down. She doesn't sound like a very good person to me, she sounds selfish and immature. I know people don't like to hear about the Lyme I have kind of stopped talking about it to, unless someone asks. Also when they do I just say good Lyme day or bad. I know they don't understand what we are going through, I have people tell me to take a pill, take a nap, or just Lyme disease is just a bug bite.


I think we have to go through so much already dealing with the Lyme, we don't need anymore added stress. There are really great people on this site , that will never put you down, that will understand where you are coming from. My family comes from the south, and back there everyone would treat each other respectfully, and if you were sick they brought you food. Now I live in Illinois and that are some really good people here but I have ran into other people that are so stuck on them self they could care a less. I had people I have known for years just up and stop talking to me. We have to support each other, because us Lymies know how bad it can get for us, and when no one else in the world understands , the people on this sight do. I hope you get better, and God sends you a true friend.

Just me.
Posted 10/21/2012 5:44 PM (GMT -5)
Denise this is how I see this community forum ... as the only people that truly get what this is all about and how painful it is to live with it . I actually decided to sign up because of the crappy treatment by  my so called friends and associations ( associations ... people who I have met in the past few years and who are "friendly " with me yet have made faces or negative comments regarding my symptoms ) .

I knew that I need to refrain from sharing my feelings with those people because I was noticing how angry and resentful I was starting to feel about  how they treated me . Acting like I am a hypochondriac or that I was crazy for googling my symptoms , going gluten free or grain free etc.. like I was some kind of freak and that I CAUSE MY OWN SYMPTOMS ! eyes

I do know that I can just stop talking about it to people and maybe if I stayed off hte subject then I wouldn't get the flack ... but to me , what good are they if they are only available or nice to me if its the fun stuff we talk about ??? kwim ?

And it is so hard to stay off hte subject when my whole body is buzzing and I am having all over muscle fatigue and charlie horse cramps for no reason and I am feeling like I have to gasp for air ... it down right is near impossible to ignore , it is at that point overpowering my mind .

Funny you say that about her having lyme disease ... she had started getting aching and fatigue in her arms several months ago , and she had then started feeling tired all the time , she was talking about not wanting to get up and get going like she use to , and she recently posted on facebook "does anyone else get frequent headaches , I am getting 3 a week ! " ...

But you know I have suggested to her  maybe she has lyme , and she was snotty about that too , she laughed at me ( literally laughed out loud ) and said "OH ANG .. you think everyone has some disease or condition , I dont have lyme disease , your so funny " lol lol lol lol... she made t his big ha ha thing of it  , like I'm such a joke , and this is her reaction to everything lately . And so good luck to her , if she does have lyme , hope she doesn't call me for support , I will direct her to her MD , BUWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAA !!!!

Posted 10/21/2012 6:54 PM (GMT -5)
Yeah Lotta,

Thanks for the laugh, you are really quite a funny person!  LOL!  And I do get you, believe me, I do...   It's really sad when family and what we thought were our friends start behaving the way they do when we get sick...   My own family kept telling me "oh, you're not really sick, you're just depressed or you need to work more, or whatever, whatever"...

When I was sick I did actually stop talking about lyme because I knew what kind of response I was going to get.  Actually, I kind of stopped talking to my family most of the time until I got well.  And you are right, what good are they if you can't talk about how you really feel?

I don't believe in fake friendships.  If you can't tell by now, I'm a bottom line person and that's just the way I am.  My motto is "if you like me fine, if you don't, that's just fine too"... 

And this childest friend of yours could have lyme, most people have it and don't even know it.  Maybe deep down she does know she is showing symptoms but she is in the denial stage and there is nothing you can do about that.

Make new friends!  I made many friends through the lyme forums who I still keep in touch with today.   And if you want to e-mail me, please do so because I've been there... 

As WW said:  surround yourself with positivity, stress will only hinder your healing process.  You don't need any type of stress and if that means seriously cutting off negative relationships, then do it!  You can call me! 

Hugs,

Denise

Posted 10/21/2012 7:51 PM (GMT -5)
Ha!!! LottaAnsy!!! That's hysterical! No, please (!!!) send her to MY MD!! I insist!! Glad I could provide you with a pep talk. Be well. wink
Posted 10/22/2012 5:30 AM (GMT -5)
I actually think that it's tragic that supposedly "good friends" can't be relied on to support and comfort when we really need them.

I have noticed different responses from different people: there are the "yawners"; these are the ones who ask you how you are,but you can see in their faces that you are actually boring them to death.

Then there are the ones who think you are exaggerating and refuse to believe that anything can be so bad,"the disbelievers"

The worst ones, in my opinion, are the "me,toos" they only ask you how you are in order to chime in at the earliest opportunity with a list of their own ailments,which of course are much worse than yours.

I have adopted the policy of "keeping mum" When asked I smile sweeetly and say I'm doing fine.

I know who my true friends are,they are the ones who are prepared to listen to my fears and concerns and know me well enough to know that what I am suffering is very real.

It is really a great pity that the people that understand the most,the ones on this forum,are lovely caring people that we will never have the opportunity to meet and thank in person.
Posted 10/22/2012 6:40 AM (GMT -5)
Yes Tickled, I agree...  It's really sad.   Maybe fear plays a part?  I think when people don't understand they don't know how to respond (I'm not giving these type of people a break, just trying to understand)... 

After one of my good friends had 2 heart attacks (she is fine now), I started thinking to myself "are my arteries clogged?  Am I at risk for a heart attack?"  Thus I felt fear.

I guess the bottom line is the definition of what a friend really is.  My bestest friend of 36 years never judged me and listened to my woes even though she didn't understand.  Unconditional friendship.  Later on her daughter became infected with lyme and she asked me a million questions.

Yet it hurts when people who we think care about us are not supportive.

Anyway, I like the way you categorized people!  The Yawners, the Disbelievers, and the Me Too's!  Almost sounds like The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (a movie), LOL!

Denise

Posted 10/22/2012 10:27 AM (GMT -5)
A real friend is one that walks in
when the rest of the world walks out.

I really like this saying--sums true friendship up perfectly!
Posted 10/22/2012 11:15 AM (GMT -5)
My take on this is that personally I need one or two people with whom I can talk Lyme problems with! And they both have Lyme too - one is my sister. We have a lot of give and take; she asks how I'm feeling, I ask about her, with each giving sympathy or advice. Fortunately, we have the same philosophy on treating our Lyme. I started out with abx, which she doesn't agree with, but she never tried to talk me out of taking them. I ended up having a bad reaction to the abx, and am now leaning toward herbals and supplements. So we really have a good fit now regarding treating Lyme (and that helps a lot). I have also met others with Lyme that I can talk to and see what works for them. But that's it for me - I don't feel the need to talk with anyone else who doesn't have this disease because they just do not understand what it's like to live with it!


Sinthia
Posted 10/23/2012 1:10 PM (GMT -5)
yeah, it is good to get rid of " toxic" people. I can relate though, your world has become smaller
and you dont want to be without anyone, so one can lower there standards because for a time it might be better than without, but you found that it is not healthy to do so any longer. It served its purpose, and u learned that u deserve better, and I hear you.

I was friends with people I would normally not assoicate with, ( only after getting sick)

so I found that I lowered my standards with these new friends, staying quiet when they said something that really bothered me, being around a different mentality, and some were all day drinkers
and it was not just worth it anymore.

My old 'friends' called my mom who is in the medical field, when I was getting sick, and she did not know what was going on, she told people I use to work with, that I was having psychatrict issues, including former bosses.

NIce, thanks for the love mom...

so yeah, I know all about living in a smaller world, I appreciate u all here. It helps termendlsly.

when I get well, I would love to be friends with u guys. emailing positive things, if it is just that, lifting each other up, wanting others to be successful, healthy, having a great life filled with joy and love.
Posted 10/23/2012 3:35 PM (GMT -5)
Hi everyone, I am usually over at the Fibro forum but I come over here to learn about Lyme.

My world is also very small. As small as it is, I'd rather have no one than be shamed for being 'less than' whatever is expected of me, for being sick.

It sounds like this person is shaming you with her snickering attitude.
I find that simply disgusting and like the others have said, you don't need that to interfere with your healing process.

Best to you..
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