Soooo hopeless!

I've shared my story a few times before. Probably been infected for 20-plus years. Crashed in August, was diagnosed with definitive Erlichia, Anaplasma, Babesia and probable Lyme. Been on a variety of meds, currently Azith, Mepron, Cefdinir and Tinidazole. Alimony runs out in October. Stress about this probably contributed (caused?) the crash in August. If I don't find a better job, the kids, pets and I will lose our home. I'm a divorced mom--no boyfriend, no husband prospects.

Right now I am working a full-time job that pays me crap, selling stuff online to help make ends meet, and actively searching for a better position. In my eyes, this equates to two full-time jobs. And I'm caring for two kids, pets, a house and a yard on my own. And dealing with Lyme. And the intense, sometimes debilitating anxiety and depression that my naturopath is thinking is a result of either Babs Duncani or a previously undiagnosed Bart. And under tremendous stress from my full-time job (I have constant, weekly deadlines) and the stress of looking for a new job.

I was doing O.K. for a while. Somehow, amidst the worst of the anxiety, I managed to complete two certification courses to make me more attractive to potential employers. Charged them to my credit card ($1500), because I have no money--in fact, I'm in debt. But I figured it was an investment. Have had about 8 interviews but no luck finding a job. Today, the suicidal thoughts are back. I just feel like I'm stretched to the breaking point.

Someone else said she felt like she should be at a spa, not out driving around her kid. Can't remember who it was. But if you're reading this, imagine having no husband, caring for two kids and a house on your own (well, I share custody with my ex), working a full-time job, a part-time job, and job hunting, being terrified that you won't be able to keep a roof over everyone's heads, and dealing with the Lyme crap at the same time. Make you feel any better about your own situation?

Anyway, I need help. I don't know how I'm going to keep on. I'm so, so tired, so sick, so scared, and so hopeless. How do I keep going? What do I do next? This morning I was cursing God, asking Him why he hates me so much. I think I believe in God. Sometimes I'm not sure. Right now it feels like either there is no God, or there is and he hates me for some reason.

that was me who said that about the spa.

Yes, we all should be being fully cared for through this awfulness. Especially the anxiety part.

I just had to add something else that has been infuriating me lately. If I had a cancer diagnosis, and was going through chemo, people would be bringing us casseroles, holding fund raisers to help us pay our bills, etc. Some people equate Lyme treatment with chemo. I'm currently pouring four different toxic substances into my body. I'm in pain, suffering--struggling to get through each and every day. Yet because it's Lyme, no one cares.

Many years ago, when I was a kid, my mom passed on the opportunity to adopt a baby because she found out her dad had just been diagnosed with cancer. This was a baby she'd been on the waiting list for for years. Her dad was out on the other coast, with three other kids and a wife to support him. Yet she drastically changed the course of her life to support him. Fast forward to today, and I'm alone, and in the fight of my life. My parents are currently on a cruise to Europe. I don't know why, but I keep thinking about this. If I had been diagnosed with cancer and was undergoing chemotherapy, I bet they wouldn't be away from home. But because it's Lyme--no big deal.

I know what you mean!

Can you ask your parents to help you- explain to them the seriousness of this? I know what you mean that people have no idea how bad ad debilitating lyme really is- nor do they understand that the lyme/coinfections anxiety is not something people are creating in their mind but a real debilitating symptom.

My brother and sister in law asked me not to visit because my situation makes them depressed. I cry too much ( which I can't control right now). And they think I'm having anxiety, not lyme. My family is falling apart. It truly is a disaster.

I have a big job and I'm begging for a miracle so I can go back. They want me back and I'm supposed to go back in a few weeks.
I also have a master's degree but I feel like my brain is more on par with a preschooler. Like what the F. I don't know what to do.

Oh Louise--how awful about your brother and sister in law. How completely and totally insensitive and unloving!

Re your job--I'm so sorry. Thankfully, my brain has improved quite a bit in terms of cognitive performance. I'm still way more forgetful than I'd like, but the confusion and fogginess are gone for the most part. I feel like I can HANDLE anything. Heck, I already AM handling full-time work and everything else. I just need someone to give me a JOB!

But Louise--you haven't had any improvements re your cognitive function? How long have you been treating?

Include me in this group....Louise - same as me...I've changed - I am so weak emotionally...and I dont even know who i am anymore. I have hardly worked this past year...I cry at the drop of a hat....I don't want to do anything I used to enjoy. My husband and i used to go out for dinner and a movie once a month...hasn't happened for a year. Sometimes I can't even handle watching tv - it stresses me out. I never know how much pain I'm going to be in...so I basically stay home except for a few short excurstions - usually Dr. appts. and groceries. When I saw the Neurologist - he said he wanted to put my mind at ease - that I don't have MS. Then he said...does that make you happy? Do you feel good now? Sure I'm relieved I don't have MS, but I can't live with whatever else i have...No, I'm not happy, no I don't feel good. Financially - things aren't good either...my husband works full time, but it's not quite enough for us to live on. So, slowly, we are going into debt. I may end up having to go on a pain killer and work through it.

Right now - life sucks.

I'm only 2 months into treatment. I have mostly GI and Neuro issues
.
I just saw my doc and he is giving my liquid st. John's wort to see if can help with emotions and mood.

So scared, as bad as I am, I would never trade for cancer. It's hard since most people I know think that lyme is all done after popping a few pills, sadly it's not. I think it has to change in time. But I feel like I have a fighting chance.

Please ask your family for more help even if it's temporary. I tell my kids, that I'm a little sick but it won't be forever!

hi soscared, we have talked on email before so feel free to vent to me. I am so sorry for your suffering.

I totally identify about family not being understanding and supportive, and I felt the same despair, loneliness, anger, sadness you are feeling. I have been ill for 20 yrs and as time went on, due to my mother having a mental illness, I ended up with several psychiatric admissions, told I was bipolar, doped up, fibromyalgia, the works. My family and some people I used to socialize with think I am nuts. but know after months of antibiotics and my current treatment, I am beginning to really improve become active again. my family basically have abandoned me every time i really needed them. they expect me to take care of them when they have trouble, they feel entitled, and are angry about my past successes. I would not have made it without my husband. and guess what, turns out I am not crazy at all.

I know now, I was very ill, emotionally, and physically. I also am doing trauma work for past abuse.

It does sound like you need support. I had to send copies of lyme information to my family, and they did start to understand a little. I talked to people on here. will you be able to draw some kind of unemployment? and can you go to court and file for an extension of your alimony? Maybe your husband can take the kids more and tell your parents you have got to have a break. I know you don't want to lose your home, but could you sell it if you had too, rent for a while into something smaller? do you have a church or spiritual support?

I hear your desperation. I do feel you need to be on the most cost effective treatment plan until you can get your anxiety levels down, your job and financial situation better, and more support. Ask for help if you must. Don't fall down the rabbit hole.

We are here for you. One day at a time.

Hi soscared,

I'm sorry about your current situation. Just try to be positive and think about the rainbow right around the corner. That's what I tell myself anyways! I know it's not easy.

I have found the same thing with cake and sweets. I feel terrible and get horrible palpitations. I somehow tend to forget when I see a lovely goody in front of me. Then pain sets in and later, Regret!

I know it feels as if God has forsaken you, but I believe He is with us all the time. Through the good and the bad. Trust that.

~hug~