having a rough time (vent)

Really seems like I've been on a downward spiral ever since doing that darn heavy metals test. I was doing better for a few days, then worse again. Woke up today and things started out pretty good...and went downhill rapidly.

Stomach was upset at lunch, but I made myself eat anyway (fish & veg). Kinda got better for a while. Then got dehydrated....I messed up when I made my detox drink for the day. Too concentrated. And I couldn't dilute it. Water fountains here can be safe or not safe (chlorinated water)....and I have major chlorine issues.

Had some fun on the way to our next destination, but things went south rapidly. Walked through the bag check ok....then was 'randomly selected' for further screening (metal detector and wand pad down). It seems like I'm always the one who gets selected for these things. Don't know why. I just want to do my own thing and not bother anyone. Tried to explain that I have a 'anxiety disorder', and they tried to convince me I had to do it. Was able to talk them out of it....then I found out eventually everyone is going to have to go through the whole metal detector and pat down thing. No excuses.

Been in a state of panic ever since. Once that switch gets thrown, I can't get out of it. Its just stuck.

I just feel so trapped and helpless. Like I'm a defective screwed up piece of trash.......just a total worthless freak. On some level I know this isn't true....but its how I feel and nothing can get me out of this. It just is what it is.

The whole thing just makes my skin crawl......and feels so invasive. I'd probably feel differently if I hadn't gone through TSA stuff, but I have. And any time I have to do anything like that....it just sends me into a total panic attack.

I really just want to be invisible. Have the ground swallow me up. I'm just such a piece of trash. I hate myself so much. I really just wish I could die. I'm such a worthless looser. Stupid garbage. I just want to crawl into a hole and give up on life, since its so not worth living.

I probably should have just shut up and shut down....just let them treat me like a piece of meat and do whatever they want. I don't matter at all.

I tried to talk to my LLND...ask for documentation to prove that I really do have a real health issue...but she completely ignored me. Just like 99% of people I've ever dealt with have.

I'm just so stressed and bloated now. Had dinner late, since I was too stressed to eat at the usual time. Now I can't sleep since I can't get out of this panic attack. Probably will just cry myself to sleep like last time. I just freaking hate how pathetic, useless and weak I am. Such a worthless looser piece of trash. But hey, that's me. That's who I am. Who I've always been. Who I'll always be. No point in 'talking to anyone'....nothing ever helped. I was doing well before I started my current round of Lyme treatment....then everything traumatic (and more) has come flashing back like all the work I did never happened. So why bother now? Obviously this is who I really am. A sick worthless piece of nothing.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, since I know I'm invisible.

just had that type of feeling last night.....it was the meds and this whole lyme situation getting me down,you will feel better.......today is almost here,go make it the best you can)

you will surprise yourself at how strong you really are and become better for it

Sayyadina - words can't say enough. I know how you feel.
(((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))

Thanks everyone. Was doing better earlier. Then bloody popcorn eaters showed up and sat right behind me.

I'm still doing the same herbal treatment I've been on for a while. Heavy metal testing really messed me up. Been doing chlorella and cilantro for a few weeks now and have been up and down.

Tried several times to get in touch with my LLND but have been ignored, so I've been trying to figure out heavy metal detox myself.

If I try to up my detox with a bath, it messes me up more. So not sure what to do there.

Were supposed to start traveling home today, but decided to stay put until Monday. Don't think driving to Charlotte would be a good idea.

Was doing really well until the darn popcorn eaters sat right in back of me. Now I'm all the way at the end of the row. Not where I want to be. But I've only seen this movie 6 times now.

Hey that mood stuff is really real. I know it firsthand. As a matter of fact last summer one day, I made my husband PROMISE that when I'd get so down he would remind me that everyday is not like this nor going to be like this. I could literally believe that I had never been well and never would be well again. Everything looked black, like that Rolling Stone song "Paint It Black". I've since found out that's neuro lyme toxin/die-off symptoms. Your (our) poor nervous system is literally being poisoned by toxins.

Are you detoxing?

I have to say that if Jesus hadn't walked every step with me I might have really lost it.

Hi Sayyadina - we haven't chatted for awhile, but I'm always thinking of you! Breathe... hang in there... wellness has to come for you somtime, it's such a long hard road though, I know.

How are the "pets" doing? Guess you got time away from feeding and grooming in warmer climate? That would be nice!