Lyme wants you to feel these ways. This isn't you.
So, though difficult to act otherwise, I urge you to try, because all you're doing is giving it more power by allowing yourself to act according to its design. "I'm sick. I'm slow. I hate myself. I feel like a total failure. I don't want to try and better my health. It's so hard. It's impossible." You tear yourself down, right along with the Lyme. How can you expect to heal, when you've adopted these sorts of mental habitats? That's impossible.
It is hard, very, and, for some, the options just aren't there yet, but you have to try, hold out, and wait to see if things will change. At the very least, you'll be able to get some decent level of health, and be able to scrape by until things get better for the Lymies in the world.
I used to, still feel these ways, but I try anyway. There are days where I don't want to get out of bed. I want to call in to work. I want to skip class. People talk to me, and I just want to walk away from them without a word, because I just don't feel I can handle the conversation at the time. I wonder what they see in my eyes, burning with the conjunctivitis or whatever, or hear it in the way I speak, words often slurred, with brain heavy with fog. There are days where I just want to cry and close off all the other avenues of my life. The new moon was doing something terrible to me yesterday - I felt like a depressed noodle all day. Give up, give up, give up, they squeaks, the little Lyme guys in me.
Though, I can't. I won't. I'm still here, can still move, and speak with some intelligence. I'm not a total vegetable yet, so I'm gonna push through. I'm gonna look and sound stupid to the people around me, I'm gonna study my math and crap long enough to pass a test, then forget it right after. I'm gonna try, try, try to have the life I want for myself. Of course, one of these days, I'm going to hit a brick wall, biting off more than I can chew, but I don't care. I'll tear it down, sooner or later.
I gave up on myself, life in general, for years. For good reason, arguably. I mean, you're right - it takes a large part of who you are away, and it's a progressive thing in that, if you don't get some measure of treatment together, you're going to keep getting worse. But, if you can at least manage that, something to just keep the crap from getting worse, that's a start, and you can still work with what you've got.
I used to think, I won't settle for anything less than total health. I wanted to be ME, Antonio, as I was before all of this. 50, 60, 70 percent? No thanks. I want 100%, nothing else. But, thing is, I could be here until 2020, and still might not have that. I could before 40 before I'm "cured." Like, you just don't know.
That said, again, don't let these negative energies feed off of you, if you can. You're already in a poor way, your mental and physical stamina limited. Pour the bright, hopeful thoughts and feelings into yourself in the face of all the bad. Over and over. Keep picking yourself back up.
Focus on health, figure out some type of treatment, but don't let it break the rest of your life, if you can.
**** your ex and coworkers, if they want to be dicks about
crap. You got enough problems. I don't know if a career change is possible, but consider it.
I don't know - I hope my words helped. If not, sorry. I kind of feel these stages are a part of the condition, and that everybody's got to get through them on their own in order to grow and, hopefully, heal. It's another part of recovery, overcoming the defeatism or whatever.
We can all be winners. It's just a matter of getting some sort of medical treatment together, which is pretty darn hard, I'll admit, and having the strength to not wallow in the mud for too long each time you fall.
edit:
I wish you the very best. You will find your way, in time, even if you don't believe it at the present time.
Look into essential oils, swap up protocols, as well as whatever other treatment options interest you. Doctor, if you can, of course.
Post Edited (NotQuiteAntonio) : 11/30/2016 10:46:44 AM (GMT-7)