Posted 1/7/2017 8:57 PM (GMT -5)
I wrote this the other day. It's directed at our failed support systems, at the human race in general. It's not written to be directed at patients, a friend was kind enough to let me know that it might sound offensive. It just a collective rambling from my heart about what it feels like to be surrounded by other humans by which we are basically invisible.
When I say "we" it is only a generalization for us as a species, living on a rock suspended in the vastness of space. It is based largely on some selfish people in my own personal life that see me suffering and then tell me to be more positive or something equally dismissive and demeaning. Then proceeds to start talking about how hard it is for them that they had to miss a concert because they have the privilege of being able to work. when most of us can't even buy medicine those kinds of conversations are extremely mundane. Preaching to the choir, I know.
This is for everyone who asks us how we are doing without any intent to actually listen, can't wait for us to shut up so they can keep talking about themselves and things that truly don't bare any real significance. When you get sick, stuff gets real. It holds a magnifying glass up to what life is really about.
This is dedicated to a very dear friend of mine, who always listens, always cares, and is my source of sanity. I cry for all of us who are kicked while we are already down. I hope you're all doing as well as you can, and I wish you relief and peace, even just for a moment.
untitled
Hearts bleed and we are all connected,
The contraction of the muscle pumps life into our bodies,
To be human is to have heart,
The defining moments are the often the most painful,
Breaking down boundaries we have engrained into our cellular structure.
The heart bleeds and we are here on his earth,
Is it bleeding though?
As we circle around truths and fallacies in life,
Much like our blood circulated through our bodies to keep us planted in this physical existence,
We desperately ache, we do our best to live in denial of the conspiracy of our physical bodies withering...
The heart bleeds and we search for answers,
Answers we often already know,
Humans are addicted to validation,
We are obsessed with our own personal experiences,
We all want someone to listen to our problems,
Yet we fail to emphasize the triumphs.
We don't consider getting out of bed a triumphal ritual.
The ritual of necessitating thinking 25 steps ahead,
The painstaking chore of carrying ourselves to persevere,
Using every once of our energy, like stretching the battery life of your remote, to navigate our way to the kitchen for a fresh glass of water.
Like all Olympians, we feel our muscles tearing, bones breaking, yet all we need to do to feel that level of exertion is to simply lay there, heart still beating.
The heart bleeds and time becomes timeless,
We are lost and found day in, day out.
We sacrifice our humble natures to begin screaming,
We scream at injustice, we scream for those that can't scream on their own,
We scream because we are dying,
We scream because we are still alive.
The heart bleeds and overwhelms our long held idea about reality,
Abuse is the contrast, abuse is the obligation,
Where is the sanctity? Where is the respite? Where is the compassion?
We are born and our Mothers don't stop giving us life just because we can breath air into our lungs,
So why when the sick are still breathing, do we choose to forget them?
Waiting for weakness to take the reigns to quiet their pleas.
The earth continues to provide, yet we still we think it's a God given right.
We remain thankless. We remain entitled. We remain fractured, and eventually break.
The cycle keeps us suspended, relentlessly stuck breaking apart but never fully losing our breath.
The heart bleeds when we give up hope,
The heart continues bleeding unabated when we are filled with comfort,
When we laugh, when we cry, when we fall, and as we get back up.
Bleeding..
Our hearts don't get breaks and neither do our minds.
Our bleeding hearts are exposed,
Our blood surges through our veins anyway,
Feeds our tissues, doesn't stop because it's tired of listening to the whine of our brokenness..
Eventually we all have walls to scale, barriers to break down.
Poison is injected and primal interrogations within begin,
The body attempts to purge the poison but is unsuccessful..
Then what?
Our hearts continue bleeding.
Our bodies wither, our minds fracture, and we lie in wait for a rescue attempt that never seems to come.
Attempting to vilify those who are at fault, attempting to skirt the edge of nervous breakdowns, attempting to smile when it feels like your face is going to fall right off your body.
Our hearts can't bleed forever.
We can't cry enough, we can't scream loud enough, we can't recognize reality anymore.
We all have this inner truth.
When we feel love and happiness we clutch our chests, our hearts,
We don't grab our brains and those moments aren't born in thought.
It is felt in the heart, it is uncontrollable.
So as our hearts bleed and we feel tortured,
We seek affirmations and a totalitarian answer,
Let us give up on thoughts as a means to fix this,
Let us feel in our hearts and be culled into a trance of truth.
For the answers we seek are not in the fact that our heart are bleeding,
But that they are still feeling.
January 4th 2016.