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Posted 6/23/2017 11:18 PM (GMT -5)
So I have most definitely infected my bf with Lyme and friends. The thing is, he's not really acknowledging it even though his symptoms are getting worse and worse, and he himself keeps complaining about being really sick, but not understanding what is wrong with him. He used to be extremely outdoorsy, climbing, surfing, working out. And now he is none of those things. He's literally a shell of his former self.

I don't really know what to do. I try to encourage him to take vitamins, and supplements. He won't outright refuse, but he will be VERY half ass about it. He won't detox, he won't do any research. I tell him to drink more water, he'll tell me he's having enough. Even though he's literally only drinking like 3 cups a day, if that. At this point I'm at my wit's end. I don't just want to leave him because I feel responsible for him being sick. I can tell he's at his complete lowest, and I fear that if I do leave him and he doesn't get proper help, that it will not end well. But it's been like this for a year.

How do I help someone who is refusing to help themselves? I'm asking men, because I feel like you will be able to relate to his situation most. What do I do? I just want him to get better! It's like he's self sabotaging and I don't know what to do..
Posted 6/23/2017 11:38 PM (GMT -5)
This may be more about someone taking their health seriously than it is about being a man. We can all attest to the stereotypical differences in genders, but both can be stubborn about their health.

My tipping point was when I finally had it with conventional Drs BS and figured its like many things; to get resolve you have to understand and to some extent, do it yourself. Then I dove in and learned...vs becoming unemployable/homeless/ then...on to what? a slow death ?

You dont know if he for-sure has lyme and Co/In, but he should get some testing for it / put it on his radar.

Maybe show him this post after more ideas appear. ?
Posted 6/23/2017 11:54 PM (GMT -5)
My opinions are as follows:

1. You probably cannot be 100% sure that you passed along some infections to him.

2. Even if you could prove that you did, it wasn't intentional or malicious.

3. Staying together out of obligation or guilt is misguided.

4. People are constantly passing microbes back-and-forth to each other. Whether or not someone gets sick depends on their immune system and the virulence of the microbes, among other factors.

5. You cannot make anyone do something they don't want to do.

6. You could write him a letter (not an e-mail or text) that explains why you're concerned. Let him know your concern for him, of course, but try to keep it mostly focused on facts. Leave it where he can read it alone. He cannot argue with a letter.

Again, these are just my opinions. I'm not a therapist or marriage counselor. smile

I wish you both the best of luck!
Posted 6/24/2017 12:00 AM (GMT -5)
Thanks guys for your input.

I still love him and I don't want to leave, I just want to him to get better! The letter might be a good idea, but his moods are so up and down now I don't even know if he'll bother reading it to be honest.

He's had a ton of tests done by 3 different doctors, and everything came back fine. I told him to ask them to test his CD57 count, and he knows his immune system is shot. But that is literally the only thing he didn't test for. I asked him to consult with my LLMD, but because he's been to all these doctors and has already done all these tests, he says that he has no desire to do more. sad And I just keep trying to tell him that going to see my LLMD will be his last stop of tests, etc. like it was for me. He says he will but he's literally been saying this for a year..

He's come to rely on me A LOT. He was very successful before this illness, but now he can't cope with the stress of his industry, so the last 2 years he has been in and out of work. He quit a good job because he couldn't hand it, and has been picking up contract projects here and there to keep somewhat of an income flowing.. and he's still quite young! I know he could have something else, but considering how many tests he's had etc, I'm convinced he has lyme, a lot of his symptoms mimic mine.. but I donno
Posted 6/24/2017 12:25 AM (GMT -5)
You could ask him to complete the Multiple Systemic Infectious Diseases Syndrome (MSIDS) Questionnaire that was created by Richard I. Horowitz, M.D.

Print Version: www.lymeactionnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/hq.pdf
Online Version: www.tiredoflyme.com/horowitz-lyme-msids-questionnaire.html

Also, here are some videos that might help him, if he's willing to watch:

Dr. Richard Horowitz presents the MSIDS model at NorVect 2014
/youtu.be/Sv2QHjmrP4Y

Why Can't I Get Better? The Lyme MSDIS Map in Chronic Disease HD 1
/youtu.be/6OdP8Jndnyk
Posted 6/24/2017 1:07 AM (GMT -5)
My partner was confused about symptoms too.drop leg nerve stuff.who know who had what first .i believe her to be congenital lyme as family is from new york woodsy area . Confused when i cut off certain activities she finally consented to a look under the microscope, yep we saw spirochetes many cyst formations .i first came at from a bartonella approach ..she had many cats her sister is sick..she sees how hard i treat iv meds bvt bit she has seen me get better .i began with herbs for her painful menses and it worked .first time 10 years cramp free...she is curious but know the system is broken .i said we can talk about certain activities again when she is willing to treat .the ducs even told her they could not explain the demylienation .we could .
all that to say this parliment has a song more power to the xxxxy and you hold the cards ...also maybe introduce eulthro in a shake and then tell him after he has a day of energy....it took 6 months of badgering and excruciating pain to get my sister to test .and after seeing spiros my mother had to have the dna connexions test in hand to do treatment .my teacher was in denial 3 years after a positive test .it different for every on .male machismo will let it get as bad as ms or als before the light will come on question is how deep is your love .also when i was very sick we watched the stephen hawking movie ...i did not want that so i began hd treatment ...explain your feelings make request they will either get met or wont but anything less will build resentment for you or him
Posted 6/24/2017 4:21 AM (GMT -5)
Hello,
my husband has a few symptoms, was tested by my LLMD, has it and I have to push each day his pills, because he says he does not take them if I do not give them to him.So his treatment is totally in my hands, also.
Please, use protection, especially if you are in treatment and he is not.
I m not sure it is a macho thing but surely his mind is also messed up by the illness as ours is, too so be gentle with him.He needs guidance and care.Relashionship is not the same because as you know our personalities change during this disease, until we get better.
Astroman is a poster child for treating these infections, do not aim for such behaviour until your boyfriend is not fully aware of this disease , consequences and already in treatment, seeing some improvement.
I am not a man, but I felt I needed to respond to you.

Ioana.
Posted 6/24/2017 6:41 AM (GMT -5)
I'm not a man either, but feel the need to post too - I agree that it doesn't have a lot to do with gender. If a person is not convinced they need treatment, no one will get them into treatment. This is a process that each of us have to go through - some just move over into the understanding of needing treatment sooner than others.

Since you are convinced that he has these infections though, do be careful as Finisului said - we know how these infections can impact our mental health and physical wellbeing.

When my hubby was in treatment for these infections, I was in complete control over what he took and when as well - or he wouldn't have done it. But that may have been more because of the way he felt than a desire to not do the treatment.

Find other's stories that have the same symptom picture that he does and have him read - or you read it to him maybe? Or try having him do the questionnaires that The DudeAbides posted. Keep looking for gentle ways to encourage him to have the understanding that he really does need treatment for whatever he has.
Posted 6/24/2017 12:58 PM (GMT -5)
As a guy for almost 68 years, I can safely say that, yes, guys can be stubborn (spelled: S T U P I D.) They can also be reluctant to admit to being diseased as well as going for medical assistance. All because we are "supposed" to be "strong", "resourceful", "independent" and "tough". After all, a tiny little microbe shouldn't have such an impact. And yes, this little gang of thugs will play havoc with the brain which makes all these conditions worse.

You can drag a man to knowledge, but you cannot make him think. The letter makes sense. Providing information makes sense. But it may just come down to leaving him to get his attention. It's not your fault he has the bug, nor is it your fault that you have it. HE is responsible for his own health. You can certainly help, but if he won't take charge, then you shouldn't suffer.
Posted 6/24/2017 1:05 PM (GMT -5)
have you asked suggested to him he might have Lyme?

Good recommendations above, it does seem you just have to have a serious conversation (or letter) about Lyme, that you care about him, and that you want to help him get better. BUT status quo is not acceptable, you don't want to (and deserve to) see him helplessly deteriorate into chronic illness.

It would be completely acceptable for you to suggest (and take him) to get Igenex testing with your LLMD.

it does sound like he may be depressed and that impact judgement. you could try getting him to take fish oil for a week before having this conversation, it may help him neuro wise.
Posted 6/24/2017 1:30 PM (GMT -5)
I'm also not a man...but wanted to post ...


When my husband starts treating, I will have to have a schedule drawn up...and STILL hound him...I'm not saying it's a 'man' thing...but maybe partly as well as his personalty/traits.
I'm a methodical person...he's not...he's more creative...but that doesn't work well when sticking to a schedule..
Posted 6/24/2017 2:10 PM (GMT -5)
It must be so frustrating for you. But please don't beat yourself up. I think there is a VERY good chance he didn't get it from you, especially if he is as outdoorsy as you say. In fact, it could even be the other way around. You'll never know.
Posted 6/24/2017 2:35 PM (GMT -5)

mm57553 said...
It must be so frustrating for you. But please don't beat yourself up. I think there is a VERY good chance he didn't get it from you, especially if he is as outdoorsy as you say. In fact, it could even be the other way around. You'll never know.

Very true
Posted 6/24/2017 4:08 PM (GMT -5)

OldSalty said...
You can drag a man to knowledge, but you cannot make him think.

BRILLIANT!!!

Lots of other great points, too, OldSalty!
Posted 6/24/2017 11:03 PM (GMT -5)
Thank you all so much for your input!!

It's actually quite comforting to hear that other women also have to do a bit of hand holding when it comes to treatment of some of their partners/husbands.

I think I have finally convinced him to go see my LLMD. I feel like it's the most important step in this battle, as he doesn't like to self diagnose. It appears that he has read that "transference" of lyme is very rare from partner to partner, and then I told him about how many people transfer it to their partners, children, etc. on this forum, and I think that is what kind of convinced him.

So let's see how it goes.. but once again, thank you all, really appreciate it!
Posted 6/24/2017 11:10 PM (GMT -5)

mm57553 said...
It must be so frustrating for you. But please don't beat yourself up. I think there is a VERY good chance he didn't get it from you, especially if he is as outdoorsy as you say. In fact, it could even be the other way around. You'll never know.

I definitely got it when I got bit by a tick in Canada almost 5 years ago now - 6 months after the bite I moved to Australia and met him, super healthy, happy, active, etc. We live in Australia, and even though I know it does exist here, I'm 100% positive that if he does have it, he most definitely got it from me sad
Posted 6/25/2017 12:17 PM (GMT -5)
Congratulations on getting him to agree to see your LLMD!!! Please do let us know how that goes!
Posted 6/25/2017 1:35 PM (GMT -5)
Also not a man, but I am a licensed clinical social worker. for 30 years.. and it sounds as if his symptoms could also be clinical depression manifesting in very physical ways. With Lyme, it is so incredibly difficult to tease apart the infection from the emotional impact. Regardless, he needs treatment (whether it's for Lyme or for depression, or for both), and I'm glad to hear he's willing to see your doc.

P.S. Married to a man for 25 years who is INCREDIBLY stubborn regarding physical health and seeking medical attention. I have long ago decided that it is his body, his health, and his responsibility to take care of himself. As women we tend to be caretakers - and it's hard to accept that we cannot do it for the men we love.
Posted 6/26/2017 12:39 AM (GMT -5)
One more not a man. Just adding a little input. I have Lyme. My husband was tested by an LLMD - came back he had been exposed but does not qualify for Lyme. I'm not sure what that means. Either way, in the last year since my diagnosis he has become a totally different person. We fight more, he won't eat well, he's gained weight. He's always been heavy, but he's heavier now. He's always been tired, he's more tired. He's stressed out and looks like hell. There are days I can't take care of myself and I've asked him (begged him) to help me. He does, but only if it's when I ask at that very moment. He can't remember that I don't eat dairy or wheat. I've been off both long before I got Lyme. He makes excuses not to be around. He has dumb errands he has to run all the time, just to get out of the house. I tell him what I need and he forgets. I tell him again and he acts like I never told him the first time.

What I'm saying is that maybe it's not just your BF is sick, maybe your illness is having an impact as well. It's true men aren't always good with their emotions. As OldSalty said, men feel they need to be "strong", "resourceful", "independent" and "tough. He can't make you better and he's frustrated. At least, that's how I feel about my husband. But I can't MAKE him feel better about my condition. I just need help. He's also become b1tchy and moody. He even back talks me now and mocks me under his breath like a five-year-old. He never did that before Lyme. He's turning into someone I don't like very much right now. I'm trying to get healthy and he's downstairs eating a whole bag of gluten-free chips. Yeah, they're gluten-free, but they're loaded with calories. Like you, I'm losing my patience with him. I have also thought about leaving, but I love him and to be honest, I'm scared to go it alone...as bad as I feel. I also can't support myself financially.

His frustration isn't an excuse, it's just a thought. I feel your pain. I hope you get things worked out.
Posted 6/26/2017 3:07 AM (GMT -5)
10LymeB - "came back he had been exposed but does not qualify for Lyme." umm. did he have some lyme specific bands show up on his western blot?

You should get a copy of the test results...I'm thinking with that comment...along with "he has become a totally different person" and "he won't eat well" "he's gained weight" "he's more tired" "he's stressed out and looks like hell" "He can't remember that I don't eat dairy or wheat" "...tell him again and he acts like I never told him the first time"

As I said - get a copy of the test results...and have him see a LLMD.
Posted 6/26/2017 8:49 AM (GMT -5)

akreative said...

mm57553 said...
It must be so frustrating for you. But please don't beat yourself up. I think there is a VERY good chance he didn't get it from you, especially if he is as outdoorsy as you say. In fact, it could even be the other way around. You'll never know.

I definitely got it when I got bit by a tick in Canada almost 5 years ago now - 6 months after the bite I moved to Australia and met him, super healthy, happy, active, etc. We live in Australia, and even though I know it does exist here, I'm 100% positive that if he does have it, he most definitely got it from me sad

But you don't know that. Lyme absolutely exists in Australia. And most people who have Lyme never recall a tick bite. So he may have very well have contracted while he was doing his outdoor thing. And this IS still a controversial issue. Dr. Horowitz, one of the premier Lyme docs, claims that sexual transmission is highly unlikely. I didn't get sick until last year, but the last time I recall being bitten by a tick was 35 years ago. And until I got sick, I was super healthy, happy, active too. Maybe I was infected in 2016, maybe I had it all along and my body was able to suppress it. I'll never know - just like you'll never know. You can be infected with Lyme and be perfectly healthy.
Posted 6/26/2017 9:15 AM (GMT -5)
10B - I wanted to agree with Girlie on this. Get him in to see a different LLMD to be evaluated. That most definitely sounds like an active infection. It could be that he's not just frustrated, but that he has gone on to have these infections be something that needs to be treated.
Posted 6/26/2017 10:16 AM (GMT -5)
Girlie, Traveler, I was just starting herbal treatments and my brainfog was pretty bad at the time. I recall asking what "exposed" meant and I think they said that a good deal of the population is "exposed". I will ask again, though. I have an appointment in two weeks and will get a copy of his test.
Posted 6/26/2017 11:00 AM (GMT -5)
Well, if he was 'exposed', and now he's showing symptoms..... he needs treatment. Don't know how easy it will be to get him in for treatment, but it's worth trying to get him in!

Definitely post his results, we may be able to shed a little light on his situation.

And hang in there!!!
Posted 6/26/2017 2:57 PM (GMT -5)
Thanks, Traveler, I will. I honestly think the stress is getting to him. He hasn't ever had to take care of anyone before. He's a single child and even though he has three kids, he let his ex-wife make all the decisions. Problem is, the worse I feel, the worse he acts. It's not an excuse, just something I noticed. I really hope he doesn't have Lyme - I can barely take care of myself and I know he won't be as structured and diligent as I am about it. I can't even get him to take a measly multi-vitamin.
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