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Dealing with Defensiveness

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Lyme Disease
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Posted 9/3/2017 8:38 PM (GMT -5)
If you've been sick with chronic Lyme for any length of time, you've surely had to deal with other people's responses to your illness and YOU as a person, especially if you have any degree of disability from it. I find myself reacting defensively, and I don't like feeling that way.

What do you do when people's comments, questions, or demeanor hurt you or make you feel angry? How do you keep from reacting defensively?

Lyme is such an isolating illness. I don't want to push people further away or retreat into a shell and turn into a hermit. I've been like that before, decades before I even knew I was sick, much less that I had Lyme. I don't want to go back to that place.
Posted 9/3/2017 9:48 PM (GMT -5)
I quit telling people I had lyme. People I just meet don't need to know.

I guess most of the people I told I had lyme when I was diagnosed, ASSUME that I am fine now. The super close people are compassionate and just ask if I am still doing well.

But those that are skeptical that lyme even exists or that it can take some time to heal.... well, those people I don't see much any more. They obviously are not my true friends.

Lyme sure sorted out my friend list.
Posted 9/3/2017 10:01 PM (GMT -5)
I have not been able to work since the end of March and need to file for retirement under disability (not Soc Sec, though). I'm only 47. I also have a lot of mold and chemical sensitivities and sometimes wear a mask to go places to somewhat protect myself from exposures when my sensitivities are high. It seems to help some. There are a lot of places I can't go because of the mold and/or chemical sensitivities. I guess my point is, it's kind of hard to hide it. Pretty much everyone who knows me, including my doctors, knows I have mold and Lyme, because I've told them.

I guess I set myself up for rejection by being too open with people. I can't undo it now.
Posted 9/3/2017 11:11 PM (GMT -5)
I've started therapy. I realize that everything I feel about everyone else is actually a reflection of me and how I feel. Therapy has been VERY helpful.
Posted 9/3/2017 11:35 PM (GMT -5)
Hi Walkingbyfaith,

When dealing with judgmental, uneducated, or unsympathetic people, it's important to always remind yourself that those comments and behaviors are a reflection of those people, not you or your illness.

Normal, happy, intelligent people who are able to experience empathy for other human beings will not treat you poorly because you are sick. Cut out or distance yourself from those people, and surround yourself with the ones who you genuinely feel are coming from a good place.

Post Edited (Intuition) : 9/3/2017 10:46:52 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/4/2017 8:18 AM (GMT -5)
Thank you for the responses. This helps.
Posted 9/4/2017 9:28 AM (GMT -5)
It's true, as PeteZa says, people don't need to know.

It's not that easy to explain and at this point I feel I don't have time and energy to go through that every 3 seconds.

People notice that I have a very strict diet and that I sometimes experience fatigue. I told them I had ALLERGIES, end of story. It's the closest to the truth without having to pour it all out there.
Posted 9/4/2017 10:22 AM (GMT -5)
I've been there, yes. Having been chronically ill for six years and intermittently sick with lifelong migraines and TMD, I know how it feels to have people react in a hurtful way. Most people simply do not understand how hard it is to function in even a partially normal way when you have these issues. Some will even accuse you (outwardly or behind your back) of being a hypochondriac or that you're using your illness to get attention or to get out of social obligations.

I have fluctuated between being open or quiet about my health. Being too open leaves you vulnerable to criticism and hurtful reactions. Being too closed mouthed leaves me feeling isolated. Also, I felt like I hurt others feelings when I have to cancel social plans with no explanation. So now I simply tell people "I'd love to, but I'm not going to be able to do that because of my health problems." I don't offer more information unless I'm pressed and trust that person. But I'm also not going to hide my problems like they're something I should be ashamed of. I'm lucky that my closest family are all understanding and pretty supportive. But I've lost a lot of "friends" over the years and I'm sure I missed making some new ones because of this illness.

Hang in there and know that none of this is your fault. Weed out the bad "friends"' and keep the good ones and take care of yourself. Maybe it will help some to remember you're not alone. I've thought about finding a local support group. Maybe that's something to look into.

Hugs
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