Feeling Completely Hopeless

I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Really.


I'm so tired of being so confused, spaced out and disoriented all the time. I can't think. I can't remember. I don't feel like myself at all. My personality is just gone. I don't even really remember who I was before. It's been years since I've felt like myself. My old life feels like someone else's.

I've lost everything. EVERYTHING. I just don't want to continue. No, I don't think I'm ready to end it all yet. But the thoughts today and most days lately are there. I could suffer the severe pain that I did for years, but not this.

I try to lay down or meditate or whatever or even concentrate on anything, all I can hear are my ears blocked and ringing. So, so loud; it never stops. My vision isn't going as blurry as It has been a my eyes haven't been getting as irritated lately like they sting, thank god. Don't know if it's because it's a lyme or bart symptom responding to the meds and time or if it was from candida as I've been taking diflucan as well just in case I have it. But other things have come back that I haven't had in a while to take it's place like GERD. Still can't sleep much. It just goes on and on.

I'm just not me anymore. I have nothing and I feel like nothing. I'm living in a family member's house, my mother just died of Alzheimers and I'm constantly scared to death I'm getting it now at 39. My mother's services felt completely surreal. People thought I looked and sounded ok but I was completely out of it. Of all things, I was scared of this the most. Feeling like I'm losing my mind or getting dementia and here it is. I don't know what else I can do. Like I said, just feels hopeless. I don't see how I can come back from this.

I try not to keep thinking that way because I don't want it to be like a self fulfilling prophecy type of thing. But, How else am I supposed to feel with this attacking my brain? I'm terrified of this 24/7.

I'm already taking as much supps and herbs as I can take along with antibiotics but I also can't afford to keep going like this. I want to work, and support myself again. Be independent again. I'm living in an old house that isn't exactly the best environment for me to be in either and can't be sure it's not having an effect on me. Nothing I can do about it if it is. It's literally this or homelessness. I have no where else to go and no one else willing to help besides this one family member.

I can't eat normal foods anymore and get confused about what to eat all the time. I barely feel like eating anyway. Ever. Went to the store today with the family member that I'm currently staying with and she showed me some chocolate she bought. In the past, I would have attacked it. Now, I have no interest. I know I can't eat it anyway but that's besides the point. The point is, I'm just not me anymore. I don't feel any connection with myself, the world or anyone around me anymore. I'm always alone , scared, frustrated and confused.

I'm not looking for sympathy or hugs or anything like that. I just need to get this out there. I need some hope but all I do lately is look for it online and never seem to find much. I spend all my hours lately researching symptoms and if what I'm going through is standard for neuro lyme and idk. I get so envious when I leave the house when I see people driving around, going about their daily lives. Fully in control of their minds and senses, not in a deep fog , etc. The world feels like such a foreign place to me now. Needing someone to even drive me to the store because I can't drive in my current condition and it's been like that for months is also completely devastating for me.

I feel like I have no future so what am I hanging on for? I'm also pretty sure I have lyme carditis or some other lyme inflicted condition of the heart.

I just ordered a bunch more herbs for the buhner protocol I'm trying to start and getting so confused. Like how to I add one herb at a time? By the week? Drops increase by the week? Idk, I feel like I can't even help myself. I feel like an empty shell and no one around me understands or is even interested in understanding. My old friends just kind of moved on and forgot about me long ago.

I KNOW I'm probably going to regret posting this later. I wanted to recover and still have a life in front of me to live but like I said, in my case, it's utterly hopeless. I can't die by my own hands now, but I wish lately that I don't wake up. I can't deal with this. I don't even want to know what the future will bring for me because it's never good. My Mothers death and funeral being in this state was a nightmare that I need to even remind myself that it all actually happened. I feel like i'm in hell with all of this and I'm never getting out.

Guess I just needed to come on here to vent. Sorry for the negative tone to anyone reading. I'm so terrified and literally just confused and so sick of my brain not functioning right at all. My brain and heart have always been my two most major concerns based on family history and here I am with something that effects both among other things.

Anyway, I'll stop here. Thanks to anyone who read this. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do or how long I can keep going. I just don't.

You will come out of this... every phase is temporary, the highs and the lows, I know it may not feel like that at the moment and you may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnnel but you will.

Everyone on here is so helpful and full of knowledge, ask away, get all the advice you need and have faith that you will see this through.

You really will.

Where are you based?

You are going through a lot.

I am very sorry about the loss of your mom. Not only are you mourning her death but you are also mourning your days of better health. That is a bunch for anyone to handle. Writing like you did can help. Talking helps, too. Any chance you can get in to a mental health counselor, clergy person or a grief and or lyme support group?

Also know the suicide hotline is available 7/24/365 via their number 1-800-273-8255 or via their online chat http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

Please keep hanging in there and posting questions. Lots of folks on here are herbal experts. You don't need to figure this all out on your own. They will reply.

We are all one tribe pushing towards better health.

Big, warm hugs -


Peppermint Tea

Hi, Mergirl,

There is nothing wrong with wanting a normal life away from and void of these infections.

It is what all us most likely wake up wishing for everyday.


And you have every right to fear a future with complications that could or may be caused by these infections.

It rises up in our thoughts too, even when we have made progress or are in remission.


It's Ok to be confused or feel like you can't figure out all the herbals, dosages, or supplements.

Some days it can be a struggle just to swallow one more pill, or plan out all the doses and detoxing and binders.

We all have felt these feelings, and we all understand how devastated you feel right now.

I hope while you are feeling this way, and literally thinking that you cant do it anymore and that there is no future, or no hope...you can please trust what I say ....and start this moment believing that you are important, that people do get better, even from the worst symptoms and you can have a better life someday.

Sometimes we have to start healing in all aspects of our life by the tiniest of steps.

Start within...tell your self that you are going to get better.

Look in the mirror...you are special, smile at yourself.

Do something this week that you enjoy, even if its only for a short time.

Realize that when any person is ill, that accepting help is what we have to do sometimes.

Always ask here if you have questions about anything.

Always vent if you need to.

Thinking of you and please take care, Jo

Hi , is the person you live with able to help you find a local support group in your area?

That is a another way to have some human contact with others that are dealing with this too.

Sometimes if an area doesn't have a Lyme group it may have a chronic illness group or possibly a group for dealing with loss.

Just something to think about.

Take care, Jo

While there are some people that can handle higher doses to start with herbals, some cant and they could experience an allergic reaction and/or a massive herx which is not healthy for our body.

If starting a herbal protocol, its advised to take one herbal tincture at at time and only a drop of two the first time.

See how your body responds. if all is well you then increase the dosage slowly.

I would wait a few days before adding in a new herbal in case you do have an adverse reaction. That way you can isolate the herb that caused it.

Yes it takes time but better to be safe than sorry.

I too have the same feelings you do at this time. I don't have the hear issues or Gerd. I started some herbal drops for Babesia and can't tell if that is causing my high anxiety and depression this week or its just me. Been suffering with all this off and on for a long time. When I'm well, I'm really well, when I'm not, it is devastating. I too just want me life back, and be the person I once was. Hang in there we are in this together.

Wow,

Thank you everyone. I've been reading some of your posts and just wanted to pop on and say thank you. I plan on responding to every one. Just too exhausted mentally and physically right now to do so, hopefully tomorrow might be a better day for that.

Just wanted to say I really appreciate the encouragement. At least I know there's still some good people out there who understand. I'm still feeling pretty low right now, but it does help to know I'm not alone at least.

Thank you again to every single one of you.

Hi Mergirl,

I just wanted to say that I agree with Peteza about taking it slow and low with the herbs. Keep it simple so you know what is working and what is not. When I was on Jernigan's protocol I only took Borrelogen (even though a bottle contains more than 1 herb). I wanted to see how I reacted to that before adding more herbs.

Also, please take time to mourn for your Mom.. I was devastated when I lost my Dad.. I cried every day for about 3 months because we were so very close. I remember I wanted to jump in his open grave at his funeral because I just couldn't believe he was gone and I wanted to be with him, sick huh? Today I feel my Dad's presence around me (kind of hard to explain)...

When I was really sick I "lost myself"... I forgot who I was and who I used to be (my memories were faint). I was bedridden most of the time and what "forced" me to get out of bed were my 2 doggies I had at the time. They forced me to go out and buy them food (and myself food) and to let them out to do their business. My dogs saved me in so many ways.. When I got better I found myself again (a lot older but still me) and I had lost so much when I was sick. I sort of reinvented myself once I got better if that makes any sense.

I will write more later.. We are expecting a snow blizzard starting tonight and I need to go out and run lots of errands..

Hang in there okay? We care about you!!!

Hugs, Denise

You know, I am similar to Deejavu. I believe in doing one herb at a time. However, I did Beyond Balance MC-BB-1 and it is a combo of herbs. I had absolutely no problems with that huge combo.

So, as always, there are no set rules. The best we can give is recommendations of what we did or what we have read.

I realize today too how poor my long term memory is along with short term. Things that I used to know and remember, I can't anymore. Granted, it's usually something from a long time ago when I was younger. Like what kind of car my best friend at the time used to drive. I realize I can't remember and it scares me to death.

I literally feel like everythings faded. My past. I haven't had much life in the past 6 or 7 years. Most of it mainly spent in a dark room with constant migraines, head pain, etc.

I don't know everyone. So confused and scared. I don't feel any connection with myself or who I used to be. I've been treating now for over two months. When is this supposed to get better?

If my brain is just going to continue to deteriorate, I don't understand the point of going on. I can't function or get my act together. I have so much to fix from being disabled all these years and essentially homebound. How can I do that with a brain that won't work?

Should my long term memories come back with time? What do I have to do here to get better that I'm not already? I am admittedly taking a lot of supps and trying to start the herbs one at a time but honestly don't know if something is making anything worse because things are always pretty bad.

I used to get stabbing eye pains all the time and pain in my jaws, etc. For years diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia and TMJ , etc. This was actually what made me get rid of my car two years ago because I could never drive it and it was just an extra expense I couldn't afford ( before I knew I had lyme).

When I first started abx it had been a little better but came back. Then it seemed to get better again, now it's back again today. Same thing with my stiff neck and head pain. A couple other symptoms are doing this as well. I don't understand?

It's been two months and I still don't know what is what. Herx, flare? Is my memory gone for good?

A friend from my past is trying to come back in my life right now and I'm so sick. I could use a friend but I feel like they won't understand at all. I know it's not healthy to be by myself all the time either. It's been that way for so long. But I'm not the ME this friend knew. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm typing this now but in minutes, I'll have to go back and look at what I typed because I'll forget that fast.

As you can probably all tell, I'm not doing much better today then I was yesterday at all. I spin my wheels here day and night searching for answers about flares and herxes and brain and heart stuff and all this but I seem to get no where. Confusion and fear are all I feel right now.



I'm struggling so much right now.

Aurora2013 said...
Mergirl please know that you are not only in this war...and it is a war on so many fronts. I know what it's like to feel completely hopeless as there are many times often throughout the day where my thoughts and emotions get the best of me. Like you, I have neuro Lyme as well as bartonella and have been fighting this war for 4.5 years (although my former llmd believes I have been sick for a long time) and at tines have truly lost all hope. Like you, my biggest fear is losing my mind as well as which organ will be hit next. It is an unrelenting mind xxxx that I wish upon no one....other than all the doctors and heads of insurance companies . I hate to say this as I usually do not wish I'll will on anyone but change happens when those in power are impacted. Given that Lynne and friends are becoming more commonplace, it's just a matter of time.

There are so many difficult things that go along with these illnesses it only stands to reason that there are moments that we break down and lose it. If we didn't we would not be normal. I have terrible neuropathy and like you, have hearing loss and tinnitus. There are times when it drives me crazy as I believe it's the antibiotics that are causing these symptoms. Problem is when I get off the antibiotics my neuropathy rages...catch 22 and drives me crazy...keeping me up at night.

I just want you to know that although you feel alone and completely miserable, you are part of this forum where there are many many people who understand where you are coming from because they are either going through it or have been through it.

These diseases take so much from us and speaking for myself, am a shell of what I used to be. But I am not giving up because I want to live long enough to see the IDSA and cdc eat their words. I am stubborn and at this point it's about all I have left but if this will keep me going then so be it. I know it's hard not to focus on the negative "what if" but there is the other positive "what if" that we must hold onto. What if the passing of the 21st century cures act leads to a cure to all this misery? What if a member from any one of the prestigious universities figures these diseases out? We do not know what tomorrow brings so please hang in there, we are all in this fight together. And keep posting....because we get it.

Thanks Aurora. I also have Bart as well. My tests come up negative but my LLMD clinically diagnosed me. I don't know for sure. Sounds like I might, but then again I might have babesia as well. I have to try to remember to ask about that. Is it true Bart messes with the brain more too?

Would you mind sharing some of your symptoms of Bart?

I want to live yeah, but not if I completely lose my mind and all my memories. Who am I if I can't work, be social, take care of myself? etc.

PeppermintTea said...
You are going through a lot.

I am very sorry about the loss of your mom. Not only are you mourning her death but you are also mourning your days of better health. That is a bunch for anyone to handle. Writing like you did can help. Talking helps, too. Any chance you can get in to a mental health counselor, clergy person or a grief and or lyme support group?

Also know the suicide hotline is available 7/24/365 via their number 1-800-273-8255 or via their online chat http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

Please keep hanging in there and posting questions. Lots of folks on here are herbal experts. You don't need to figure this all out on your own. They will reply.

We are all one tribe pushing towards better health.

Big, warm hugs -


Peppermint Tea

Thanks Peppermint,


Idk about the suicide prevention hotline. I know of it but they will just tell me not to do "it". Because they won't understand what I'm feeling or going through either. If I was just dealing with depression alone, then sure maybe. But this infection is literally effecting my brain in every way. Memory, functioning, psychologically, etc. I don't think anyone there will understand and I don't want anyone just trying to make me feel better because that's just what they do.

I tried to find a lyme support group here. I did find one who meets up only occasionally. Someone from the group offered to meet with me to talk but I couldn't do it. This was a couple weeks ago. I was so fogged out and out of it, and my eyes were so irritated and the tinnitus so loud. I could barely think at all. The thought of meeting someone in a coffee shop to talk was just too much. So I told them I was too sick and couldn't meet them yet.

As far as other groups, I don't know. I heard of one but not sure if they still meet. If they do they are kind of far from where I live. I can't drive lately or should say I shouldn't be driving in this condition. I have to use lyft or uber to get everywhere which is usually to my numerous docs appts which usually end up being a waste of time and money. So it would be kind of expensive to go there and back if they meet where I think they do.

I really appreciate your suggestions though. It's just not an easy situation at all so far. That's what makes it even more scary for me. I have little to no help here.