Suicidal thoughts

Being a guy I have a hard time opening up about my emotions. Other then this forum I really don't open up to anybody.. not even my doctor.

I believe I've been having a herx from bartonella which I've been treating now for about 4 months.

Since the begging of this illness I have had these suicidal thoughts occasionally but recently they have been really bad. I believe it's the antibiotics I'm on causing some sort of herx from bartonella. I stay mad, hateful, & moody pretty much all day. I'm constantly mad at everybody & feel like nobody cares to understand.

I've lost my dream job. I have no income. I don't even have my train of thought. I basiciallt stare at the wall all day because I can't focus.

My niece is having a birthday party tomorrow which I've already decided on canceling since big crowds give me such anxiety.

I feel like I have lost my mind. Every time I try to ignore my symptoms and have a regular day I reach my limits. I either get tired or I run into a rather simple problem that I would have usually been able to solve but now just run into a dead end.

I wake up not knowing what day of the week it is & have a hard time remembering what year it is!!! Is it 2017 or 2018!? That's just crazy.. I can't stand living like this. It's torture!

It seems like since starting this treatment my emotions have been al over the place and I can't control them. I have these suicidal thoughts and convince myself I should end things. I'm tired of dragging my family through the dirt.

I try to tell myself this is just another symptom & everything is gonna go back to the way it use to be.

The financial problems this disease has caused my family makes things worse.. having my parents sometimes pay for some of my medication because I'm unable to work.

I can see why suicide is the leading cause of death with Lyme disease. I've only been dealing with this for 2.5 years & I don't see how anybody has dealt with this for decades.

I have such a hard time writing these things because I lose my thought so much. I have word limitations.

I know I'm ranting but this is the only place I can rant without getting looked at like I'm a complainer. I post on here quite a bit & I apologize.

So back to my question.. is this a herx from bartonella? Is this normal for treating this awful bs.

We have all been there. Understand, you're not alone.

Herxing is "normal", but when it starts to get too intense, you need to back off whatever you're taking, give your body a rest and then SLOWLY start again. It's a long process, but that's the way. Make sure you're detoxing: Epsom baths, lemon water, charcoal, modified citrus pectin, lots of water.

Go easy on yourself. THIS crap IS HARD. It's not just hard, it's the hardest thing you will ever go through. But you can do it. All you need to do is not quit. That's all. You don't have to be strong, you don't have to make ANYONE understand.

Take deep breaths. Meditate. Get some oxygen to your lungs and brain. Don't worry what day it is. My career was just taking off and I had to quit. Now I'm back to writing. It's been amazing. Slow, but amazing. Do what you can, that's all. Right now, your "dream job" is getting better. That's your job.

There will be good days and bad days, worse days, and OK days. It changes like the weather. Just be kind to yourself, OK? You can handle this. You've come this far. If you need to vent, we're here.

CBD oil or Happy Campers (found on Amazon) got me through some really dark times.

BBN!! - I'm sorry you're having such a rough time...I get it...we get it.

"I wake up not knowing what day of the week it is & have a hard time remembering what year it is!!! Is it 2017 or 2018!? That's just crazy.. I can't stand living like this. It's torture! "


I went for many months not knowing what day of the week it was when I woke up. And the calendar didn't really help me...because before I went to bed I'd cross off the day and then in the morning, I'd wonder if I had done it the night before.

It gets better. I know what day it is every morning now...

One other issue for me was paying bills. For some, I still write cheques and mail them...and just that process was difficult for me. I got a few returned unsigned....

I think my memory/cognitive function is probably about 70-80% of my normal now.
I haven't worked since 2013. My husband and I had plans...and they've been squashed.

Something that did help me was going to a counsellor. I would go there and let it all out. I felt safe to express my feelings there...and I always felt better when I left.

Hi BBN!!,

I feel for you. I've been there with the suicidal thoughts when things were bad like you're saying with herxing and simple things were difficult to do. Family was down on me and I was terribly sick.

Even last week, I thought I might be in early alzheimer's stage but those same symptoms can also be from lyme and co infections.

Those symptoms cleared up for me this week when I started on an herbal treatment with "Lymogen" and "Neuro Antitox II" that prevents the herxing problem.

I'ts Friday now, and Monday is when I began taking the Lymogen. I don't take any prescription meds.

I also got on a diet of mostly salads and lightly cooked vegetables just before starting the treatment. Also, I drink lots of spring or purified water.

I didn't cuss out other drivers when I was driving this week. I actually pulled back instead of trying to get ahead. I was able to see when people needed to get in and I allowed them to. This is a big improvement for me.

My metabolism has caught up so that I'm not going slow.

Maybe something that is helping me can also help you.

"So back to my question.. is this a herx from bartonella? Is this normal for treating this awful bs."

Herx: sounds like it
Normal: yes

You're not ranting or complaining. What you are experiencing is very real and, unfortunately for us, pretty common. Many of us, myself included, have bouts with these kinds of symptoms.

If you're on antibiotics, talk to your doctor. You may need to adjust your treatment.

If you are not detoxing regularly, you will need to do that throughout treatment. Their are also herbs and supplements that can help.

BBN!! said...
So back to my question.. is this a herx from bartonella? Is this normal for treating this awful bs.

Bart causes neurological and physiological changes that will predispose you to these states of mind, much like drinking a pot of coffee will cause anxiety. If you were in a car accident and were paralyzed, you'd be facing similar challenges as far as the level of disability, but the cause would be crystal clear.

Bart and Lyme, as far as they affect the mind, are completely invisible to ourselves and others. I've had the infections for decades, when my symptoms started to lift with treatment I was overwhelmed by how different my state of mind was. Unlike a physical injury, you can't see the damage these infections cause your mind, except in knowing how you used to feel.

The most important thing you can do to reverse this process is to set realistic goals for yourself and understand what is happening. You can't go to the party, so send a card or participate in another way if you like. Some days a simple task like showering might be a struggle, make the effort, and if you fail be proud that you tried. These infections will rob you of the motivation to protest your condition, you must not identify with these thoughts, know that they are being caused by bart and are not the real you. It's a lot like physical therapy, start small and don't let your recovery be sabotaged by your state of mind.

Hi bbn how are you ?? hope you are feeling much better. I know how hard it is to deal with these symptoms ,if you found anything that helped pls let me know. Thank you