I feel so embarrassed..

Sometimes I have a moment of clarity and everything makes more sense to me. With these brief moments of complete understanding comes humiliation. Just utter embarrassment..

It's not always apparent to me right away how ridiculous I am. Sometimes I think I have a handle on myself and I just don't! Anxiety rules over reason and logic. I think about things I do and say or feel or think and.... WOW! It's amazing how wound up I get. It's hard to live down..

I'm really sick. My mind is so broken. I have so many pieces scattered around, the water is muddy.. I'm NOT the same person anymore. I can tell myself that this is a symptom and it will get better. But this is the moment that I'm in right now. Yesterday doesn't matter and neither does the future. This moment is all I have. It's all any of us have! Alot of my time is spent questioning myself. Going back and forth, critiquing every little detail. It's insanity at it's finest.

The sad part is that I think I know the difference. And it's just not true. I almost feel like some sort of fake. Nothing seems as real as it used to.. I don't know what you would call this. I call it crazy! I'm becoming convinced that I'm just losing my mind! My body went first, and now my mind is deteriorating.. How can I be the mother that I want to be under these circumstances? How can I be a staple in my family with this going on? It's really a helpless feeling... It's torture.

I sat there yesterday in my bed, my mind reeling. I couldn't speak. I coudn't think of the right words. Tears just streamed down my face as it dawned on me how effed up this has become. I was confused about who I was. Not like in a quizzical way. More in a literal way. I couldn't comfort myself anymore. I just felt like I was in this crazy dream and I couldn't wake myself up. There is no way I could feel like a sane person anymore. I felt like I had to accept myself as a person with severe mental incapabilities. I was looking at my son and just felt sorry for him. He doesn't deserve to have a Mom like this..

I'm completely horrified. I can't fathom having to have more days like this. Between the pain, the mental anguish, the spritual break down.... Sometimes I just don't want to be here anymore. I would never ever leave my family. But I totally get why people take their lives to free themselves from this. I never thought that it would happen to me, I told myself that I was stronger than that. And how sobering it is to find that I don't have control. I have zero control. No amount of brute strength, or love, or medicine will fix this on it's own. You really have to draw on all of your innate energy. The kind of stuff that is on a soul level.

Sometimes I know in my heart of hearts that I will fail, and sometimes I know I will succeed. Right now I'm just embarrassed because I don't know what to think. I just feel weak. And like I'm failing somehow. All I can do is keep taking my medicine and hope that someday I'll be on top again.

F YOU INFECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also don't think you need to be embarrassed. We understand that you can't be yourself all the way when you're feeling so rotten. We know you're a good person.

Do ask your doc about the chinese herbal I mentioned in your other thread yesterday, just in case it would help you like it did my daughter. It may not do as much because of the toxins affecting you too, but if it got your brain functioning somewhat better, it might be worth it. My daughter isn't on abx, so she didn't have anything get it the way of it working. Your doc could probably contact the company and ask about it's use with abx. They might suggest a different one too. Your doc could call me if he wanted to also if that would help at all.

I know how hard it was on my daughter when her brain function went downhill and I hate to see you have to go through it too. It's so hard when you're young. You're still you inside, so keep on fighting the beast.

((((((HUGS))))))

We're all here for you, IHL. Be kind to yourself.

You guys are so uplifting.

LMC mom how old were your kids when they got sick? Is it only Andrew? I'm so sorry I'm so confused lately I cannot remember anything..

Lyme causes horrible anxiety. I felt like a person with a traumatic brain injury. Be gentle with yourself. This craziness is not you, it's the disease. You are doing your best and you will come through.

I had a thought about the anxiety. Clonazepam helped me cope when the anxiety was out of control. I never took much tho because I didn't want to get addicted. Also, I've read recent research that some people benefit from taking methylfolate and methyl B12 for anxiety. http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/lifestyle/sa-lifestyle/how-a-vitamin-cured-my-anxiety-elisa-blacks-story-of-lifelong-struggle-and-new-hope-for-the-future/story-fnizi7vf-1227251037624

Accept what is. Meditate and keep yourself in Now, in this moment, because everything else (past and future) is simply a mental construct. It doesn't exist. Focussing on the bad things that happened in the past brings depression. Focussing on what might happen in the future brings anxiety.

Concentrating on the breath entering and leaving your body is one way of staying in the now. Don't put all of your concentration there unless you are meditating, just keep the awareness in the background.

https://www.facebook.com/Eckharttolle

http://www.heartmath.org/about-us/about-us-home/hearts-intuitive-intelligence.html

I know this is easier said that done when you are sick, easier to do when feeling better.

But this moment is the only real one; nothing else is real. You can make it through this moment and actually appreciate some of what this moment is giving you. Sun shining (or beautiful clouds), birds singing (or wind howling). Concentrate on some appreciation in this moment.

This will calm your mind and help bring more moments of clarity.

LMC mom - your family would fall apart quickly without your presence, so don't think of yourself as the burden, but that you too are having some troubles with your health. It's no wonder either, you've been through a lot!!!

LMC- you are a great Mom!!!! Really, you are doing so much for you son. What a great Mom. I see your posts and wish someone could take care of me like you are doing for your son. Really what a blessing you are to him. Actually all of the parents here are truly remarkable and you are one of them.

I have a son, he is 15 and has been thru a horrible trauma over the summer. It has been really hard. Teenagers are so fricken hard! I love you... no I hate you.. Come here... no get out of here. There should be support groups for parents of teenagers. Boy do they beat you up. Especially the boys because they use to be such cuddly little Moma's boys and now it hurts more when they are mean. I hear that they come back to us. Good luck to you and keep your chin up. You are great!

Dancingbear, thank you :) . I"m sorry to hear about your son. I have 2 boys 22 and 16 both with lyme, one symptom free, but this summer was when Andrew was SO bad, ... but like you said teen alone is hard! Hormones all over the place! So for him to be a teen with lyme is the perfect storm for sure. I hope your son is doing better. I remember how hard it is to be a teen, and then hard life events just make it all so much worse!!!!!!!! I"m sure you were wonderful to him and someday he will realize and thank you.

I also have 2 girls, 20 and 13. So my 20 somethings know it all, but I have to say, they are a pleasure to be around, grown ups, respect, and they have weathered the college challenges, softening them a bit. The know it all part is a pain, but you know their hearts are in the right place. It does get better. No one is handling the lyme well though, so that was all mine, alone.

You are right. Of my four, Andrew was the whole package and that's what makes it so hard. He was a charmer, could light up a room, VERY smart, just amazing.... he still shows all that to others, but to me he is awful (and my husband too). I keep telling myself they have to let it out somewhere and home is "safe", but really??? I could use that smile and care too!

Girlie, thank you, I wish I was young at least at heart! I'm 50 - ugh, even just typing that number HURTS. I cry just about every day - hysterical many days. I can't fix him I can't fix our lives and this was the final of many life disasters, the one that broke me.... and we have hit some awful times.... I don't know how I'll pick myself up after all this and pray you all find strength to keep going every day. It must be agony for you.

Actually I go tomorrow to follow up on a surgery from last year, still have nerve damage. I don't have lyme, but have a full sheet of paper with serious illnesses and surgeries that I now photocopy and take to each dr.! So, I understand long healing, suffering and recovery.... it is so hard, esp. if you are the caretaker and there is no one to take care of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's where we are all yelliing "I want my mom!"

I am SO GRATEFUL for this site though, I don't know how I would have avoided more nervous break downs without it! I'm pretty sure I had a couple this year, though not "official", they seem to be just like what I read as a definition on the internet!

HUGS ALL!

If it helps, you aren't alone in feeling that way.

!!

Margaret