I've been sick forever. Since before that bullseye rash in 2007.

I've had symptom free times in my life before treatment. I've also been gravely ill before treatment. This is my question-

How does anyone know that just because you do some kind of treatment and you get better it's because of killing bugs? Has this been proved? If there's always a chance for relapse how do we know for certain that it was actually treatment that gets us better? Maybe you would've felt better in 2 years or 7 years or whatever anyway.

I'm so mad at whatever is making me sick right now I'm seeing red! Ah! I'm not sure what my problem is today. But I am being a huge pessimist. Despite that I still think this is a good question. How does this work???!!!

What happened in my body during those symptom free times that made me better? How do I get back there? What made me sick again? Will treatment ever work after this huge wall I've found myself up against?

Man this mood better pass soon. I'm driving myself crazy.

Lyme breeds the pessimism, negativity. It takes a lot of willpower for someone to stand against it. Even then, at least for me, I just feel like I'm lying to myself.

I wish I could say differently, 'cause I can totally understand that. It doesn't help.. at all. But, me, I can't turn it off. I've tried, many times. Keep trying, right? Keep falling. It's just a mask, only serving to comfort the people around me. I look in the mirror and see right through it.

If I feel good, I'm gonna think good. Everything will be good. If not, then not.

Kinda reminds me of how doctors will try to treat symptoms, rather than the root. Here's some antidepressants. They will help. Oh, really? So, this is the cure we've all be searching for? Right.

I'm sad, because I'm sick, not the other way around. But, y'all know how that is with some of them, they will spit out anything but the truth.

But, yeah, it's hard to look at the world through those eyes, when they're so clouded by these infections - for some, quite literally.

I don't see sunshine, even on the most beautiful of days, only dark clouds overhead, skies of grey. It's sad, I'm afraid, but, again, for ME, only good health, or concrete promise of it, will prove to still the rain. Though, equally sad, not even that is real. "You WILL get better." When, how, what's it gonna cost me? What matter of currency? How much of my time, my life force, and, of course, my money? "I can heal." Really, Antonio? So heal then. I'm waiting. You're still falling apart, struggling to pick up the pieces as they dip to try and glue 'um back on.

So, you see..

I can't tell myself these things, and, without waver, believe them, because I just don't know. Some say that's part of the problem, and it is. Like was agreed upon, it doesn't help. Healing's more than just taking meds. Mind, body, spirit, you have to touch bases with all of 'um. That's what's said, huh?

But, how can I build something, when I don't have the strength to saw the wood, raise the supports, swing the hanmer? Furthermore, how can I even begin to coax myself to start to construct without that wood? You need supplies, right? If I can't do any of those other things, I definitely couldn't go out a'choppin' trees for myself.

It's time, it's energy, it's resources. You could have it all, and still health probably wouldn't be assured.

This battle's 360 degrees, inside and out, 24/7, 365 days a year.

I must say, before I forget, that I know that a lot of these things are realities that you're all aware of. In a way, this post has been for me. I'm just talking, to myself, to no one.

It's grim. It's all the bad things.. everything so many of you try, some succeeding, to block out. The enemy.

That's the thing though..

Me, today at least (most days), in this moment, I am bacteria. I am a toxin. I am the infection. Personified.

How can you rightly expect a smile from me?

To answer some questions, IHL, how do know when something's worked, we're healing, and it's not just the up and down these infections make on their own? Aggravating as it may be, a simple, obvious answer, when we stop getting worse, or, to begin with, when those bad days aren't so bad anymore, and that decline continues.

Maybe we'd have felt better anyway, without treatment, at certain times in the future? I guess, maybe, for some. I feel like that's really unlikely though. If somebody gets sick, really sick, then the infections just go into remission unassisted, WOW, what luck. But, I can't believe that to be a possibility, even if you showed me someone to back it up. To me, once this hits you, it's gonna stick around, growing and growing, gnawing away, until the last little piece of you has become its prey. The wax and wane, just gets worse. The "good" days become the bad, and the bad become the worse.

So, yeah..

Anyway.. keep trying, right? Do that, until you get your answers, maybe even heal up. Try until you can't anymore.

To close, yes.. I'm a mess. Just step over me, and keep walking.

Ignore it allllll, as I'm sure you would have anyway.

Be positive. You can do it, guys. Take a leaf out of that song's book, don't stop believing, hold onto that feeling. Lol.

Best of luck.

I'm sorry Antonio, because I know you, that last post was kind of funny. I'm VERY happy to see you writing again!!