Posted 6/16/2015 10:37 PM (GMT -5)
Nobody needs to respond to this, I just need someplace to get everything out and whine a bit.
I live in North Carolina and my parents are in Connecticut. They retired years ago in Florida but got hit by the housing bubble and lost everything they had. They only have my Dad's pension and both have social security. Together it's actually not bad except my Mom has always been sick and hospital bills are constantly coming up.
So about 4 years ago my Mom was so sick that my parents moved up to NC near me so I could help. Isn't it amazing that no matter how sick we are we end up taking care of others. They lived near me for about 2 years but my Mom got sicker and sicker. She had COPD and Emphysema which are extremely severe. about two years ago, my Mom decided that she wanted to die in CT. Both my sisters are there along with 7 of her grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren. I would have been ok with it except I knew they would take advantage of my parents. To add to that, my parents have spent everything on my nieces and nephews taking them to Disney and anywhere else they wanted. They lived near my sisters (at one point across the street) and their kids for the whole of their lives. My kids got two years. Do I sound a little angry? I am.
So it reached the point that my Dad couldn't take care of my Mom and she entered a nursing home. That didn't keep her from dreaming about what I have been calling "the little suzy homemaker" dream. She nagged my father about her "coming home". Every time I saw my Dad's number on the caller ID, I dreaded picking up the phone.
Before they moved back to Connecticut, I made my Dad promise that he wouldn't let my sisters and their kids take advantage. He didn't keep that promise so I'm mad at him too. My sister, who is an alcoholic and definitely smokes pot, decided that she was going to divorce her husband because she caught him cheating. He's done it before and I know she's cheated on him. She got me involved because they hadn't done their taxes in three years and she wanted to get that money before he did.
My sister was going to get an apartment and said she couldn't get out of the house they were renting asap. So she doesn't have a drivers license and doesn't have a car. I'm pretty sure that her license was revoked. I've always suspected that was why she didn't have her license. Either that or she got into and accident and was afraid to get behind the wheel.
I found out recently that she was in an accident because she was driving drunk. My younger sister told me that she swerved to miss a fuel pump and hit another car. Yes, a fuel pump! At the time, my mother called warned me she was going to call to ask to borrow money for a fine. If she didn't have the money, she would go to jail. I said, well she can go to jail. If I gave her the money, i would never have seen it again. She called but lost her nerve. My younger sister told me that she actually spent 60 days in jail. My uncle also told me that when the accident happened my parents were in FL and they asked him to go get her in jail. They certainly didn't have the bail money. When he got there she was sloppy drunk and tried getting getting sympathy. He left her there.
My father was driving my sister back and forth to work everyday (at least 20 miles one way). She lost several jobs in the couple of months around the divorce. It's never her fault. It's always because someone doesn't like her or they're jealous. So she found an apartment and called me to crow about it. She said, "there are only three requirements" dum, de, dum dum, "No smoking" (never going to happen), "no pets" (my sister collects stray animals and stray people, so again never going to happen) and drum roll please my father had to cosign. Of course, I blistered her butt. Didn't do any good, she waited until he signed to call me. I told her that she needed to get off her butt, get her license, get a job and stop sponging off my parents. She hung up on me. I called my father to tell him she would be calling to whine. He yelled at ME. I haven't been that angry ever.
So she gets the apartment, get her divorce, goes on a dating service, finds a stoner and skips out on the rent. My Dad got a letter 3 or 4 days ago that the he was going to start legal action.
Back to my Dad, he lets me know that he was having some trouble with his legs. Quite a while ago, he had two stents put in. One in one leg and the other in the artery in the groin that feeds into the other leg. He had an ultrasound and there wasn't any blood flow. He never told me that he had numbness in both legs for months. The doctor scheduled a procedure to go in and clean out the stents. It was going to be just an overnight to make sure that he recovered from anesthesia. That was May 1st. He's still in the hospital.
I was traveling that day to a family thing for my husbands sister in Atlanta. I waited all day for a call from my uncle. Finally, I called him and found out that "magically" the contact information had been changed from my uncle (who brought him to the hospital) to my niece. My niece refused to give anyone information except for her mother (the drunk). When I asked why she didn't call me, her answer was "Nobody told me to call you." Now, I'm the oldest, I'm POA for both my parents and I'm also healthcare proxy. She actually told me not to bother calling the hospital because unless I was on the HIPAA form they weren't going give me any information. All I knew was that they had to call in a vascular surgeon and my Dad would be going back into surgery sometime after midnight.
So I went and sat down at the computer and booked a flight. When I got back to my phone, my sister (the drunk) had left me a message that said and I quote "it's not like its something he can die from." I've never before been a loss for words. This took the cake.
So I flew up the next morning, went right to the hospital. My Dad was mad that I flew up and the next day didn't even remember I was there. My father had been in the middle of packing to move to a cheaper apartment. I spent 5 days getting everything straight so someone could get his stuff moved to storage and I could do everything that I needed from NC. I'm POA so that means all their bills. I'm also healthcare proxy which means dealing with two hospitals (my Mom also ended up in and out of a different hospital with flares of the COPD). I barely saw my parents. I realized after three days that I had a doctor's appointment I couldn't miss. My Fibromyalgia (possibly Lyme) is treated with pain meds and muscle relaxants that can't be renewed over the phone. No appointment, no meds.
So after I left, for some odd reason the contact information kept "magically" changing. My niece (the drunk's daughter), who works at the hospital, kept getting added as the primary contract contrary to what my father was saying and contrary to his advance directive.
Every time my father ended up going in for more surgery or coming out of surgery, my niece would text out information. At first I was puzzled but also worried and I spent one day texting back and forth with his admitting doctor trying to make sure that I was contacted. That day he assured me I would be contacted. He was there when my father went back into surgery, so he called me. But sure enough, my niece was notified when he came out of surgery. She texted everyone that he came out and everything went well. I asked her "are you at the hospital?" She said no, so I asked if they called her and who called. No answer. My sister however told me to leave her alone she was sleeping. I thought she must be a world class sleeper because it was only 90 seconds from her "no" to my question.
So I sat back and thought how is this happening. I got on the phone and started asking questions. I talked to several people in recovery, then ICU and the original floor he was on before the surgery. I hit pay dirt when I realized the changes were being made over the phone.
I called and said that my Dad had come out of surgery and wanted to make sure that if anything happened they had the proper contact information. The nurse asked my name and then without taking a breath i said that i should have three phone numbers all with 919 area codes and I couldn't be reached at any other numbers. The nurse said "that's weird. It looks like someone called in and gave a different number. An 860 area code. The number had been added to the top of the list." It was my niece's phone number. I also found out that the surgeons are given a pink postcard, with the contact name and number. They wouldn't let me remove the phone number. Eventually, My Dad's admitting doctor had to get everything fixed. He actually filled out the pink card, but thought the 860 area code was my number. I had to call 5 times a day to check the contact info until a nurse asked me why I didn't just password protect the chart.
So I did just that. I mostly worked except the first time I called the nurse told me that password instead of asking for it. I get the feeling that several nurses, aides and clerk learned very quickly that information is not to be given out to anyone unless they have the password.
So then World War III started. My niece denied everything. Including saying "I never called and had them change the number". I never mentioned the information being changed over the phone even though I knew that's how it was being done. She thought that up all on her lonesome. I do believe that SHE didn't call. Her mother did.
She spent that day boo hooing to everyone she thought would listen. For some odd reason, she started with my little sister (her aunt) who said yeah, whatever. My sister and my niece then started verbally abusing my little sister because she was backing me up.
For a long while I didn't understand why they did this. My sister complained that we (me and both my sisters) should all have a say in the finances and the health decisions. She not the brightest bulb. I explained that the POA and Healthcare proxy are legal documents and it couldn't be shared.
Eventually, when I went through all the finances I found out a partial answer. My niece had bought a dining room table and sofa from my Dad because his new apartment was going to be smaller. She agreed to pay $1300. So after a week or two, when I started to get a hold on things I told my niece that she needed to start paying on the furniture. My mother had also told her the same thing. She claimed that both of my parents said she could pay it off by paying my parents phone bill. When they lived near me, my parents were on my plan and for both phones they paid $26. When they moved back to CT, I asked my niece to add them to her plan because to get their own plan would have been more expensive. First they paid for the phones up front so no contract. She was having my Dad pay $80 (or more) a month in cash. The two lines would be at most $30 because they don't use data. For 2 years she has been scamming my parents for minimum of $50 a month.
So she insisted that my parents agreed to her paying off the furniture by paying the phone bill. I said fine, scan in the phone bill and email it to me then I would take it off the $1300. She said no. I have since found out this had happened before to a friend she had on her plan. The friend asked for a copy of the phone bill. She said no then too.
So the theme has been: "Grandpa told me to get the keys to the Car". No. "Grandpa told me to get his debit card." No. "Grandpa must have changed the contact information, he just doesn't remember." Not. "Grandpa said ... and Grandma is ok with it." Wrong.
For two weeks there was a lot of drunk dialing from 8pm to 10pm. Eventually, my niece figured out it wasn't a good idea to pile lie after lie on top in text messages. So they blocked my number as if they were the ones being harassed.
So my mother ended up back in the emergency room. They called me because I'm her healthcare proxy (with my father in the hospital). I asked if they sent all the documentation with her - POA, Living will and healthcare proxy. I was told "yes, she's a code A so everything goes with her." When I talked to the intake nurse I found out she was sent with nothing. Not an ID, not a single piece of paper.
I really flipped out when I found out Code A means all measures (including being put on a ventilator). All the "documentation" was a single piece of paper that had the last time she was given her medications and a check box for what code she was. Everytime she came "back from" the hospital they had her pick A, B, or C. and sign it. This overrode her living will and took any decision making out of my fathers hands. When he asked me what rights he had, I had to tell him none.
The last time this happened she actually was asked to sign it just before she was sent to the hospital not after. My sister (the drunk) actually witnessed her signature. My mother didn't know what she was signing and neither did my father.
I have spent the last two weeks working first with the hospital and then with the nursing getting my mother's code changed from all measures to DNR/DNI. It really is not a decision any child (even an adult) should ever have to make. The decision had been made long ago, but to have to go through getting the hospital and the nursing home to honor that decision.
Because my mother had never been a DNR, no one have asked about palliative care. My mother has been through years of pain and poor quality of life because the nursing home didn't explain it to them. My parents didn't know that they could decide to make my Mom comfortable without having to actually try to fix her lungs (which are beyond fixing).
My niece thinks she gotten away with stealing from my parents. It hasn't occurred to her that as POA, I can sue her in small claims court.
So now I get to spend the next few weeks or longer, setting up palliative care for my mother. I also have to ensure my father is getting proper care. He has at a minimum another month in the hospital and I don't even know if he'll be able to walk again.
Today is my daughter's 23rd birthday and she is 600 miles away (she's graduated and is living in Florida, thankfully with a job). My son is an hour and a half away at a summer camp program for teenagers. My husband is in Tel Aviv and will be traveling all over Europe for about 12 more days. Yes, he'll be gone for father's day. So it's me and the dog. She's very sympathetic, but not much of a conversationalist.
So if you made this far, please, the best thing that you can do for your family is to make sure that you have a Durable Power of Attorney (financial), a Power of Attorney for Healthcare (they are two separate documents) and a Living Will. Discuss this with family. It doesn't matter if you are generally healthy. You never know when something is going to happen. My parents have nothing. I even own the cemetery plot they picked out. There are still decisions to be made and without these documents it's next to impossible to get anything done.
Thanks for listening,
Kim