It has been a rough go, but I feel like it has made me a more empathetic and stronger person.
It’s hard not to reflect when you’re sick. In reflection, I've come to terms with unfulfilled goals and everything that I put on hold, only to find the day of returning to my old life has not come. Chronic illness may be my toughest challenge but it won’t be my last.
Coping with a chronic illness is hard. It’s one of the hardest things you may ever do. But it’s, well, chronic. But being negative makes it no easier. There is another option, and it’s better than perfect health: acceptance.
You are owed nothing. Your blood moves through your body, your heart pumps, food is digested by your stomach, and without asking why, you take credit for these functions. When illness strikes us, we feel betrayed, as if we have been robbed of something we never earned in the first place. Instead, we should be humbled by being made to recognize our impermanence.
Chronic illness has forced me to face mortality. I eventually realized that gratitude for whatever life I have left was better than fear from every sharp pain and dizzy spell I got. There are moments to take action, go to the hospital and get help; the rest of the time, I now try to practice equanimity.
Chronic illnesses such as Lyme have high failure rates. You may try many treatments that don’t work and get discouraged. But don’t allow your thoughts to make you fall into an even deeper hole. I’ve gone to support groups where it’s a pity contest the entire time. Pity is a negative emotion, and it invites you to take the ‘easy’ route, when really, there is no easy route. You are sick, you know suffering well, but adversity can make you or break you. If it makes you, you’re on the fast track to wisdom and discipline beyond your years.
In general people have beautiful ambitions but many never reach their potential because they are afraid. They make excuses. As a sick patient, it’s sometimes hard to find the line between taking it easy because you are sick and making excuses. Sometimes I am in pain or tired so I don’t do strenuous exercise, but I still manage 5 or 10 minutes. Other times I feel so defeated that I stop exercising. Then I get in the habit of not exercising, which makes me feel worse. And although I know that it would be so much better for me to move, I get angry that I have to start from scratch and instead accept defeat. The longer I go on like this, the harder it is to exercise, and the more ‘viable’ my excuse becomes. Healthy people are just as bad- they never lose those ten pounds, start that business, take that year abroad or quit smoking. It's very "human" to put off the tough things, despite the desirable results.
Another issue is ego. When our opinions, judgments and reputations rule our minds, it’s hard to better ourselves. It’s especially hard to deal with treatments and drugs that fail to help with your illness when you are in a race to hurry up and prove yourself in more superficial ways. We may define ourselves as people who had so much going for ourselves but illness ruined any chances we had. Being sick can make you feel inferior in a world where youthfulness and beauty are of prime importance. Kathleen Singh says it beautifully:
We may fear loss of physical attractiveness, physical strength, and capacity for independence. We may fear the loss of easy acceptance and dignity and respectful recognition. Many fear the very loss of place in culture that would prefer to eject the aged as a too-vivid reminder of decrepitude and mortality. We may fear the loss of mental agility, glowing health, and the circumstances of our lives as we’ve become accustomed to them, with their veneer of freedom. We fear these attacks on who we think we are and on what we think we need and on how we want to be perceived. We fear the loss of our illusions of control.
Our culture – provider of the thoughts and attitudes of most ordinary minds – has taught us to view sickness in only the most superficial ways. It paints a picture of the archetypal human as having seemingly permanent strength and hope untouched by tragedy. People who have faced less adversity may hold their sickly counterparts at arm’s length. We all have friends who have distanced themselves while we were at our weakest. They try to spare themselves from seeing mortality at work. Don’t hold it against them but don’t measure yourself by their dogmatic values either. This fear limits their experience of living to be short-sighted. It’s the kind of fear that makes us cling to our reputations, self-image and unexamined attitudes and behaviour
s.
Want to be future oriented? Consider death in your list of long term goals. Peace, compassion, sanity and commitment to enlightenment have little to do with cultural values. Sometimes I would rather hang out in an IV room with cancer patients who have experienced the gifts of adversity, than my youthful friends who properly fit their societal roles.
We’ve all lost days, whether to hangovers, television or debilitation. Don’t define yourself by your longevity. No matter how long your life is or how many days you put to good use, it’s a cosmic hiccup. Notice life’s impermanence, instead of being afraid of it. Look at the days lost as a lesson to cherish the passing moments ahead.
Something I've started to do is contemplate dying. Everyday. I try to visualize myself dying and taking my last breath. It makes breathing wonderful. This contemplation has brought me in the moment, the timeless present that is passing before your eyes. It’s a bit idiotic to think good health can go on forever without degeneration, anyway. Most of what once lived has perished. What comes up must come down. What rises will fall. Seasons change. We know all us this but leave ourselves out of the equation.
It can take years to repair the damages of chronic Lyme. Mental sanity and discipline are undervalued necessities essential in recovery. Unfortunately a lot of people break. They glue themselves to their habits and attitudes. They become mad with envy of other people’s lives. They predict that life would have been glorious, that they would have been the most ambitious, marvelous people anyone could be if it weren’t for their handicaps.
Its sometimes easy for me to make excuses to be sad when I'm just incredibly sick. But I try to get out of ruts as soon as possible before they become me. We all know there are rich sad people and poor happy people. There are people who suffer far worse and cope. Make them your role models. Our circumstances don’t make us or break us, but our strength, disciple and appreciation do. What sounds better, learning how to be accepting, or learning how to master self-pity? Being out of your head and in the moment or defining yourself by what others see? None of it really matters anyways so why settle for the road more travelled?
Post Edited By Moderator (Traveler) : 9/5/2015 12:59:21 PM (GMT-6)