help with mental stuff

I am having a hard time asking this question. Embarrassed to admit I am struggling mentally.

So here it goes.

Has anyone else experienced an onslaught of past emotional traumas during lyme treatment?

Well here goes my humiliating story of my past...I'm dying here admitting any of this to anyone.

I was mentally abused as well as neglected as a child. Every memory I have was horrible and I have memories from being about 2 years old and onward. Right around the time I started symptoms of lyme, I was getting to the point where I couldn't deal with them anymore, totally worn out and burned out and it was affecting me in the way that I was becoming a crying mess everyday and I didn't like my children to see me that way. (i was 43 at the time....a long time to deal with and have these toxic people in my life.) My kids were afraid of my mother, and would get nervous and upset with just a phone call and hide in their rooms if she came to the house. Ha the older kids would run to the basement if she pulled into the driveway, calling it their fall out shelter.

At that time, I went to my primary with I think were the start of my lyme symptoms, she did an ekg and said my heart was in an absolute horrific state that she could not get an ekg reading on me. I broke down in the office from the scare of that. Then during my gross crying jag in front of my primary I spilled the beans about my past. (I was beginning flashbacks around that time too and told her about those) She listened for a long time and told me it is okay to eliminate toxic people from our life even if they are family.

So that is what I did. I felt finally free!! I could live each day without worry about what my parents may do to me that day. My mother, the main abuser, always turned the abuse around and made it about her....from when I was a small child to 43 years old. (For instance, as a three year old my mother was alone with the kids during a week while my dad worked out of town....she threw me out of the house for two days. no food no water. All because the dog peed in the house. (ha that dog was evicted for those two days with me. Whaaat? crazy stuff. Then when my dad came home, it was suddenly my mother that was the victim and my father made me grovel and apologize to her for how what a bad few days she had. This sort of stuff, well into my 40s.) I thought for 8 years that I was over it all and had moved on with my life, but I now see that the treatment is dredging up old hurts from what went on in my childhood and how it carried over to adulthood.

I can not seem to get a handle on my emotions. I am losing my joy in life. I am an artist. I thrive on the love of life and right now I have lost my purpose and feel not worthy of anything at all. I can't paint. I see darkness and can't even paint the darkness....hahahah Everyday I sink lower from my memories...feeling worthless and unloved.

I am toying with the idea of stopping treatment as so far this has been the worst part of it for me. Pain and herxing are no fun but this is something else entirely.

I spoke with my husband this morning and told him maybe I should see a therapist, but I am terrified that talking about any of it will cause constant crying and just bringing every hurt that was caused me back up to the surface where it may explode.

My new primary (i had since moved from the area where I saw that primary who helped me the first time) well when I saw one of the drs for the first time for a physical they asked about my family history and I could not talk about them. I couldn't speak of them or give any medical history of my family. I explained briefly what happened in my childhood and it is now in my file. Ugh. A few weeks ago I was in the office for blood work and the nurse mentioned it. I totally broke down from embarrassment that anyone know my dirty secret of my past. That I don't have family (other than my husband and kids and his family) like normal people do. I imagine people to think I am a freak, what kind of person has no family. I went to my car and cried like a baby and felt low for weeks.

Sorry for the rant. Question again in case I threw everyone off with the droning on....does anyone else have past emotional stuff bubble up with this lyme? If so, how did you deal with it? Will it get better as treatment goes on? I am so sensitive to medicine and always have terrible side effects so I do not want to go on antidepressants. I need to deal with this and not cover it up. Some days I am ok and then bam, all the memories rush back and sink me into this hole. I really am hoping that if I am just patient, it will all go back down under the surface when I am finally well. Am I delusional with that thought. I recently realized that the start of all of my symptoms was the stress of my mother and her final act that pushed me over the edge. my llmd asked me if I had a stress or trauma that happened with my symptoms. I said no, I didn't connect the dots but wow the past few weeks I connected the dots with a huge old fat sharpie pen.

Anyone have anything like this happen? I don't mean the abuse, I just mean old hurts and emotions come back?

Thank you all, I realize this may be awkward and uncomfortable for some, I am sorry for that, I really am, but if anyone can let me know if this is a thing with lyme that would be great.

joee, I am so sorry, and I can quite identify on some of what you experienced. I have childhood based PTSD.

I think it would be a big help to you to see a therapist. Crying is also therapeutic! It's not bad, it's there for that reason, not just to clean our eyes.

Talking it out with a profession therapist or Psychologist (not Psychiatrist!) will be done in such a way to keep you from exploding.

Honey, it is not YOUR dirty secret, it is your Mother's and your family's, for allowing it to continue. You are a victim, not the criminal!! You needn't protect those that didn't protect you.

I was fortunate that I had developed a way to escape, to separate myself from what was happening to me at the time, but it did play a big part in my adult behavior and the way I perceived relationships between people. And often times, my self esteem.

Being infected with Lyme is a separate issue, but because the infections mess with our minds these 'ghosts' are going to come out.

Find a therapist that you like and feel you can trust, and get this all out...it's nothing they haven't heard before, and they will know how to help you.

Big (((hugs))) joee. Wish we had known about this earlier. This kind of stress gets in the way of you being able to heal completely from the infections. So glad you have such a supportive mate! Big bonus there.

Please feel free to keep us posted, or email us. We want to make sure you're okay. Okay?

I guess the details are different for everybody but during last abx treatment I experienced a similar emotional welling up of past strife. It's important to note that it is just a chemical reaction in your body to an overload of toxins ie. herx. But every time I'm struck at how real and depressing it seems. I've found magnesium muffles it down and calms my nerves. It seems that any bad feelings and troubling memories coincide with this chemical influx. If I'm able to keep my mind occupied with hobbies, or just pamper myself and get enough sleep this helps. Don't feel bad. We all go through it.

Joee,

Prayers and hugs are being sent your way.

I am so sorry this is all resurfacing for you now. I really am.

It is challenging enough having a chronic illness, adding old memories to the mix isn't easy.

I have experienced childhood trauma. I don't want to go into details, but also have PTSD from it and lost my younger brother who just wasn't strong enough do separate from his memories.

We are not our past. We are not what happened to us. You were a child who was supposed to be protected and nurtured. It is that simple. There should be no shame of your part (although I knew the shame card well). You are a survivor.

I am convinced that it is harder to heal with these energy blockages and lowered frequencies that come from trauma, which is what happens when we hold on to old stuff. It also lowers immunity.

For your own healing, forgiveness is important. It doesn't have to be done in person. It can be done in a letter your write and never send, or in prayer work.

You are strong, you withstood a lot and made it through, you are now a fierce and protective mother with a loving heart who attracted a loving and supportive husband. YOU did all that. YOU are lovable and deserve to heal.

You have a new family now and you are changing the dance. I hope that you will talk to someone. Meditation tapes help a lot and there are many, many books that help too. This sounds hokey but when bad thoughts rear their ugly head try and visualize a stop sign. Stop the thoughts immediately. Tell yourself you are not your thoughts and visualize it turning into a heart. More self love is needed here. Treat yourself like you treat your kids -nothing but love.

The work of Dr. Joe Dispenza is a good place to start. I like Breaking the habit of being yourself. It's all about our thoughts. You can get it on tape -or I can send it to you. You can email me and I will send

More hugs to you. You've got this!

Traveler, Girlie, Huddie, goshawk,borrellio,july, and lostcoast

thank you all for responding to me. You don't know how much I appreciate you all reaching out to me. I am so sorry to hear so many of you having difficult childhoods too. I realize now that everyone has a story and that lyme may surface any past hurt or emotional stuff (we all have something, no one is immune to stuff-maybe not abuse but everyone has something in their past that is hard).

My husband pointed out to me, that I have been doing great for 8 years and only now seem to really have a hard time with all the emotion stuff. It was very bad when I was on mepron. Very bad. Then when the drs asked me to take a break from treatment I got much better. It took 2 months to fully detox. Was happy and not bothered by that stuff again. So my hubby points out that I seem to be moving in cycles and it seems to all be tied to the flagyl pulse. He is right. It is very bad the week after I stop the flagyl. Ugh. I took flagyl on thursday and friday a week ago and then the week following I had a ton of brain stuff-cognitive. Then the emotional crash.

I must start detoxing better. I had been very busy in my studio trying to get a project done. I did not leave my studio to eat or refill my cup this past friday. On the worst brain day. Baaaaad lyme patient. haha I think I have learned my lesson. Flagyl means business. I am grateful it is doing its job but I need to detox better.

Thank you all I am doing much better today. My husband took me to an art show today and getting out of the house was wonderful. He also came into my studio and helped me finish putting my daughters wedding invitations together to get ready to mail. It was a huge job to get them together. With his help, They are all done now and I can finally relax. I painted the artwork for the invitations and then made the invitations with the artwork. (A very large job for a lymie. I started the painting in December) But these invitations were the highlight of my art career. I feel like my whole art life has led up to this pinnacle project, which has fulfilled me to no end. While we were in the studio, he talked with my about struggles I am having with my art business ( keeping my books straight and all that a business entails....I have been frustrated that my brain just shuts down and how hard it is to maintain a business this way--I know you all know all about that stuff).

So back on track mentally---thank you all!!!!!

I think when this hits again-possibly next flagyl cycle--I will rest more, make sure I have no pressing stuff that week, and detox better-not let stuff get in the way and distract me from detox.

Huddi- I hadn't seen you on the board in awhile and was getting worried about you. I was hoping that I was just missing your posts and hoping that you and your son were doing well. Thank you for reaching out to me!! How is your son doing??

Joee,
So happy to hear you had a better day!!!

What a wonderful heirloom you have created for your daughter by doing the artwork on her invitations for her special day. Enjoy all that you have accomplished and remember healing will come.

Take care, sincerely, Jo

Huddie,

Oh you have an appt next week with dr j. I do too!! But I chose this appt to be on the phone.

I think you will be so pleased with the appt. I was like your son...non stop herxing and getting so much worse not better. I lost my voice, more pain, more weakness, more cognitive disability, certainly more fatigue and depression and one non stop herx before I saw him.

Dr j took me off all meds except for just low dose maintenance meds to keep the nerves innervating my voice safe. I spent 6 weeks detoxing. By the time I went back I had my voice back (had been without it for 3 months) and was feeling so much better. And actually felt like I could go on. Before I went to him, I was scared to death I would be too sick to endure his treatment. Not so. He made me stable not sicker!

Now, although I see the emotional stuff creeping back, like I said with flagyl herx, I am functional now. I have less fatigue. I don't nap anymore. Unless I am in a flagyl herx which is 2 days out of 3 weeks. I can now tolerate the treatment.

Dr J does not want herxing. My last llmd told me to suck it up when it came to the horrible continuous herx. They told me if I am unable to function for more than two days (for your son that means missing school due to a herx) they need to hear about it. They stopped my babs treatment and I should start back up next week since I am tolerating the treatment so far. But, mepron was very hard on me. I could not take care of myself. Couldn't cook,get myself food or drink, think, bath or move off the couch without help for 4 months. Awful. They won't use mepron they said. They use a combination of two meds that are better tolerated. Thank goodness for that!!!

I think you will leave his office with a grin you won't be able to wipe off your face. At least that is how it was for me. My last appt I could have just kissed the nurse practitioner. She just got it! All of it. She heard everything I said to her and applied that to my treatment plan. Write down everything you and your son are going thru. Everything. They want to know about it all. Be prepared. The appt takes all day. I packed veggie snacks in my bag and I was glad I did. Also, they seem to not want to start treatment until the patient is stable. Meaning, no herxing, no pain, and sleeping normally. They will set up your son to meet those needs before they start aggressive treatment. I was so relieved!!!

Good luck with your appt!! Let me know if you have any questions. I'll set up my email. There was a parking thing for us that was annoying. All the garages in the dc area are called colonial parking garage. Every darn one of them. So if you type colonial parking garage into your navi who knows how far from his office you will be sent. We walked miles to get to his office in the cold rain. ugh. We finally got it right the last appt and pre ordered our spot and prepaid. The garage is right under the dr office, you will not need to go outside. So make sure if you are putting it into your navi use the dr office address and not the garage name.

Joee,
I"m so very happy to hear that today was a better day and how your hubby is helping you!! Just don't forget that a daughter's wedding is stressful too!!!

To all the others that have posted about their experiences - I am also very sorry to know that you struggle as well. As MM said - know that you are welcome to post here and we can at least offer our support and sympathies, even if we have no ideas of how to help you get through it all. We DO care!!

There are some Lyme literate counselors out there (I have a few in my listings), or a chronic illness counselor should be able to help you through some of these things. Do NOT give up or give in. There ARE people that care about YOU.

I also have vivid flashbacks. Thankfully for me, they are of the places I travelled when living abroad, but they make me terribly homesick. And afraid I'll never see them again.

Joee, hope you're feeling better. I ran across this article and thought of you.

https://themighty.com/2017/02/doctor-with-chronic-illness-things-to-know/ #4.