Thinking out loud here.

This is seldom talked about here, since most are still dealing with their chronic illness.

In my experience (lyme waxed and waned for decades) , Ive learned that even if you heal 85-90% (leftovers may be the new you due to damage), there are still bad memories that can effect your everyday life, its engraved in my brain.

- Can I do this, will it hurt tomorrow?

- Money was tight for years with changed employment and lyme bills, should I spend this amount (?) (I usually opt not to)........what if it comes back and I need money (Americans are broke and overspend already, no laughing matter). Being 100% self dependent makes me think more on spending. Im thrifty (helps me sleep), some think im cheating myself.

-I no longer take employment for granted. Im now older and there are also some cognitive complications with stressfull jobs I had in the past (payed better but bad for health). And physically demanding jobs- no, forget it. This did persuade me to take my self prescribed side work more seriously which mentally feels fulfiling but can result in burnout too.... doing that in addition to a full time job., I partially pull the plug on side work time to time to recharge/ have a life.

The average Westerner just goes for it not thinking of these things (and it can catch up to them). Im naturally a little conservative and lyme made me more this way.

People always are asking why dont I do this again, or buy this...........they dont get it and I think those who might be overly compensated for their employment will never "get it", same with those who have never had any physical limitations in their life.

I was also at a few events this summer and fall surrounded by people from my past who never put the brakes on living and sports. I hung with a fast crowd in my early years, they've slowed but not too much, some get it, some don't (and I don't expect those to but tired of their questions, which they get a limited repose fro me).

I suppose this may be different for a 100% recovered 30 something, so yes, age makes a difference here too.

Hmm, this turned out to be kind of a vent lol! So be it.

Post Edited (astroman) : 10/2/2021 12:20:30 PM (GMT-6)

Astroman,

Honestly, I wish I was (and had been) more like you. I have never been frugal. Even now. I have always had my parents. Now it’s just my mom. I am still stuck in a “survive today” kind of warp. I spend a lot of money on food, gas, and supplements, herbs, Lyme doctor appointments, and now car repairs. It’s like I can’t deal with reality for some reason.

Of course, my reality is quite different from most here. I live in my car in the backyard, shower under the garden hose in a bathing suit, use the bathroom in a bucket in the back seat of the car, while my mom helps me every morning and night to survive this way. I guess it’s a way of saving my sanity by living like I used to in regards to eating and enjoying the small things in life that I can tolerate, like the $16.71 I just spent on a crocus plant from Lowe’s to decorate the front porch for fall.

Im odd lol.

As an outgoing introvert (yes its possible), I dont need to hang out with people, but when I feel like it I can blend in with almost anyone, only for a limited time though. This really throws people off ha ha.

That said, its easier to hang out with the slower crowd, they have less expectations from me, none actually. The fast crowd means well, they probably want to see me like before, I still show up where others not even sick have fallen off the planet/disappeared. I like seeing them just dont feel like keeping up with them and their lifestyle, its timely, costly which is somewhat stressful to me.

Doing what you want (and it can change) vs societies and friends expectations later in life can be a complicated balance with time and money.

One thing I enjoyed in my competition years from my teens to late 30's was US travel, well, when its not hot outside. I camped (tents and vans) and motel-ed it back then depending on weather and location.

If I decide to do the travel part again , Im thinking of frugally van camping (the degree depends how much I still like it). Back comfort and sleepable temps along with affordability are the main factors. Ive done this again recently (regionally) but not enough to invest in something more refined / improved / comfortable / dependable for longer ventures. Some of the "fast crowd" I know....now some have motorhomes...not beaters either like before. Or at least $60K new trucks... with camping trailers. There are some who will never understand, those are the exception. : O

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Dont get me wrong, Ive very thankfully for what im able to do even if its not up to some life long peers expectations. Im constantly reminded by others here who are still struggling.

Ive met some lymies who spent an enormous amount on getting well, but people here are to varying extents, do it yourselfers. Imaging how much some of us have saved, (or less amounts in dept).

Post Edited (astroman) : 10/2/2021 12:32:14 PM (GMT-6)

I lived a typical middle class American family lifestyle growing up. My parents fell into the consumerist and materialist culture that permeates America, however, they didn't completely fall into it. They always had money to get the necessities, and my siblings and I never wanted for the basics. Luckily, my dad made it pretty far into his career as a military officer so he has a good retirement. However, the stress of the job, and his complete lack of self-care almost led him to die at 55 of a heart attack. He lived, but he has never been the same. He now has heart disease, multiple auto-immune conditions, and much pain. He really hasn't been able to enjoy his retirement. I know people who makes over 100K a year that have a mortgage, a big car note, and over 5 figures in credit card debt. They search for other credit cards to transfer their debt at a lower interest rate instead of just making a plan and paying off the debt.

I wouldn't say I'm counter-culture, but I do analyze the reason for why other people do things, and why I would do a thing. I have almost never been a consumer zombie, and I'm not into material stuff. The only time I have ever "splurged" in my life was when I received a 20K signing bonus to fill a specific job in the military and I used quite a bit of that to buy a 7 year old Mustang GT. Even then!, I sold it after just over a year because I didn't care enough about it to keep long term.

Luckily, before Lyme and Co. really progressed and stalled my money making capabilities my wife and I were able to pay off ALL the debt we had. This was 60K student loan debt, and about 5K car note. Now, we have no debt, but we aren't really able to make progress due to my health costs. We are both okay with it, because she has seen how devastating losing your health is. A few years ago, shortly after I go sick, and I was reading and listening to different philosophical viewpoints on life, I decided to become a minimalist. I'm not super into the "movement" of it, and it's not a big deal to me. I just don't find value in most unnecessary material things. Don't get me wrong. If there is something I really want, and it's affordable, I will buy. This doesn't happen often. My wife is def not a minimalist lol, but she doesn't go crazy either. We got a good vibe where we both understand each other, and let each other live, within reason, the way we want to live. Obviously, being a minimalist saves a bunch of money. Most of that extra money goes straight into trying to figure out the health stuff. Hopefully one day that money can go to different avenues.

i am thinking more about how i can support myself financially going foreword as my recovery continues to gradually edge forward.

a couple of months ago i started considering what kind of part time work i could do - thinking i was nearly at the point where i could work in some kind of low stress job for half a day most days - but just as that was beginning to look possible - i had a virus or something else that knocked me back 4-5months and it was off the table again.

i was approached via linkedin for a job very much like i used to do before - high level role running a big department - and the recruiter made it sound like it might be possible to do some kind of phased start - but it became clear it was really a full on role - no soft start and it just brought home to me just how far from being able to do that i still am - just the travel to work would likely put me in bed after a day or so.

my mind is not quite as quick as it was pre-lyme - but still functions well enough to do the job - just doing long days with all the typical time pressure, inbox full of 200 emails a day and international travel that goes with it is just not an option

but it seems like a waste of hard won knowledge and experience to go and do something basic that doesn't use any of that - so its a bit of a quandary what exactly i could do that would be part time at least at first - but still use some of my skills i have built up over the years

part of me would relish a complete change and new area of work - maybe psychiatry or health coaching or some such - but the reality is i could really do with going back into a position that earns at least something from the off - as my life savings are now pretty depleted

difficult transition to make

i would be interested to hear from anyone that has gone back to work full time - how they managed the (in my case 7year ) gap and transition back into the workplace

ie did you take a part time role to begin with

Post Edited (Garzie) : 10/4/2021 8:12:36 AM (GMT-6)

I would not advise going from 0 to 100, but start doing something part-time instead. As a self-employed, I was able to adjust my hours and when I worked over the years I have been sick. Now it's pretty hectic with Computer Science full time, helping my girlfriend with her company (mostly IT work), recently started as a mentor 2.5 hours a week and putting a lot of hours in web development where I'm going to send in material for another extra job for that pretty soon.

I have learned gradually how I can increase my capacity and I work very hard on routines that help with health and performance. I think health coaching sounds like a great start and then you can increase the hours or shift job when you have learned to handle that.