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Can someone recommend a support group?

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Posted 4/7/2010 11:47 AM (GMT -5)
Many of you know that my husband commited suicide a few weeks ago.  Even though my husband was against guns, our son owns several handguns.  His future father in law is a cop, what can I say.  Mike even went with him to the shooting range once.  My husband used one of my sons guns to kill himself.  My son is ridden with guilt because of this.  We went to grief counceling last night at our local church.  It was an hour of praying , saying it wasn't our falt, and that my husband is now with God.  It didn't relieve my son's guilt.

Is there a group or person you recommend my son speak with?  I'm very worried for him.

Posted 4/7/2010 12:01 PM (GMT -5)
Kathy~My friend has been attending a local support group through Survivors of Suicide. If you google that name you should be able to find a local group by you. She speaks very highly of her group and was able to cope with her grief after her husband took his life. It's something she still deals with, but being with others who have experienced it, has been a tremendous help for her.

I am sorry that your son is going through such pain. Please give him a hug from us (((HUG))).
Posted 4/7/2010 12:27 PM (GMT -5)

OHIO76 said...
Kathy~My friend has been attending a local support group through Survivors of Suicide. If you google that name you should be able to find a local group by you. She speaks very highly of her group and was able to cope with her grief after her husband took his life. It's something she still deals with, but being with others who have experienced it, has been a tremendous help for her.

I am sorry that your son is going through such pain. Please give him a hug from us (((HUG))).

Thank you , so much,for the reply  Ohio. Hpeofully there is a local chapter in our area.  I must say I am so touched by the responses I've read.  Mike was a good man......a really great man.  He was a genius, literally.  He skipped 2 grades in grade school, and graduated near the top of his class in college.  He was what some would consider "scary smart". He had a great sense of humor and I miss him so much.  Please excuse me for rambling.

Posted 4/7/2010 2:50 PM (GMT -5)
vette guy
     Once again I am so sorry for your loss.  My son was killed in 2000 and I go to a support group that is all over the US...  Compassionate Friends..it really helped me a lot.  They are people dealing with the exact same thing you are and they let you know that your not alone.  Sharing their experiences and stories and all their compassion is very comforting so I hope you do give it a try.  Its always hard at first but then I have made life long friends from that group.

Some how you have got to make your son understand that he is not to blame,  that is just too much for a child to carry on his shoulders.  I am praying for peace for you and your family...be brave and take one day at a time, and sometimes its one moment at a time...

All my love

Leslie

Posted 4/8/2010 3:38 AM (GMT -5)
Hi Kathy, I have been reading these forums for the past year or so and I remember reading a couple of posts from your husband, Mike. He always seemed so positive and encouraging to others; I thought he was great! I am so very sorry for your family's loss and what your son is going thru now, with his unwarranted guilt feelings. I certainly hope that you can find a support group that can help both of you! Maybe this request is insensitive and please tell me if it is. Do you feel that your husband committed suicide because he just couldn't live with an Ostomy or were there other reasons? The reason I ask is because I am very scared to get an Ostomy and I know I am very prone to depression. I had a sub-total colectomy done 1 yr. ago and I am having many, many problems still. Now my doctors are suggesting an Ostomy. Once again I am so sorry to be asking this if it is too painful for you to answer.

Thank-You,
Gilda
Posted 4/8/2010 5:45 AM (GMT -5)
Gilda~if you go to the thread labeled 'vette guy' (it's probably on page 2) flchurchlady has a post that will answer your question.
Posted 4/8/2010 10:26 AM (GMT -5)

Gilda said...
Hi Kathy, I have been reading these forums for the past year or so and I remember reading a couple of posts from your husband, Mike. He always seemed so positive and encouraging to others; I thought he was great! I am so very sorry for your family's loss and what your son is going thru now, with his unwarranted guilt feelings. I certainly hope that you can find a support group that can help both of you! Maybe this request is insensitive and please tell me if it is. Do you feel that your husband committed suicide because he just couldn't live with an Ostomy or were there other reasons? The reason I ask is because I am very scared to get an Ostomy and I know I am very prone to depression. I had a sub-total colectomy done 1 yr. ago and I am having many, many problems still. Now my doctors are suggesting an Ostomy. Once again I am so sorry to be asking this if it is too painful for you to answer.

Thank-You,
Gilda

Gilda,

I can assure you with absolute certainty that my husbands suicide had nothing to do with his ostomy. His ostomy gave him freedom from pain, and freedom to enjoy life again.  In fact, in some ways his ostomy made him a better person. God I miss him.  I can't stand the pain!

Kathy

Post Edited (vette guy) : 4/8/2010 9:29:59 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/10/2010 12:50 PM (GMT -5)

Kathy

It feels as though through this forum we are all a witness to your pain and loss as well as Mike's pain.  You are obviosly as compassionate as your husband to be able to assure all of us that his decision to take his life was not based on his ostomy.  Thank you for that. 

There are many therapeutic techniques out there to that exists to deal with such trauma.  If you have access to a clinician or counseling agency that works with trauma, there is alot of research that shows this can help a person to process the guild and pain of such a loss.  I have worked with a number of young kids who carry the guilt about their parents deaths, (I know your son is much older), but it may help.

My thoughts really are with you and your son. 

Sue

UC 2003 Ileostomy 2009

Posted 4/12/2010 2:29 PM (GMT -5)

honestwoman50 said...
vette guy
     Once again I am so sorry for your loss.  My son was killed in 2000 and I go to a support group that is all over the US...  Compassionate Friends..it really helped me a lot.  They are people dealing with the exact same thing you are and they let you know that your not alone.  Sharing their experiences and stories and all their compassion is very comforting so I hope you do give it a try.  Its always hard at first but then I have made life long friends from that group.

Some how you have got to make your son understand that he is not to blame,  that is just too much for a child to carry on his shoulders.  I am praying for peace for you and your family...be brave and take one day at a time, and sometimes its one moment at a time...

All my love

Leslie

I just checked.  They meet the first Thursday of each month in my area.  Thank you so much!!!

Posted 4/12/2010 3:37 PM (GMT -5)
vette guy

  Hi I am so happy that your still on this site.  God bless you and your family, this is a huge loss for all of you.  One thing I can tell you from my experience with this is, it never goes away but in time all the good memories fill your heart and makes it easier to bare.  There is always going to be something that will stop you and make you think of your loved one, a song or phrase or the way someone else does something that your husband would have done.  There is always going to be that, but you replace all the hurt and anger with happy thoughts and the love you shared.

Just today my friend called and said that my son's cross on the side of the road, was broke.  So went and took a look and it had rotted so we are making a new one.  We built a big cross where the accident took place, and I go there on special days and put flowers and balloons.

It use to make me angry in the beginning to go there but I had to change my thinking and on his birthday or day of death or holidays or whatever.  I had to replace it with thoughts of joy and all the memories of him loving life, and just honoring him.  So doing that I was able to heal and forgive and it really does help you get through it.

I know that it does not happen right away but give yourself time to heal, and just know that your not alone.  If I can be of any help to you in any way I would be happy to do so.

My prayers are with you

Leslie

Posted 4/12/2010 5:10 PM (GMT -5)

honestwoman50 said...
vette guy

  Hi I am so happy that your still on this site.  God bless you and your family, this is a huge loss for all of you.  One thing I can tell you from my experience with this is, it never goes away but in time all the good memories fill your heart and makes it easier to bare.  There is always going to be something that will stop you and make you think of your loved one, a song or phrase or the way someone else does something that your husband would have done.  There is always going to be that, but you replace all the hurt and anger with happy thoughts and the love you shared.

Just today my friend called and said that my son's cross on the side of the road, was broke.  So went and took a look and it had rotted so we are making a new one.  We built a big cross where the accident took place, and I go there on special days and put flowers and balloons.

It use to make me angry in the beginning to go there but I had to change my thinking and on his birthday or day of death or holidays or whatever.  I had to replace it with thoughts of joy and all the memories of him loving life, and just honoring him.  So doing that I was able to heal and forgive and it really does help you get through it.

I know that it does not happen right away but give yourself time to heal, and just know that your not alone.  If I can be of any help to you in any way I would be happy to do so.

My prayers are with you

Leslie

I was so sorry to read that your son passed awat due to a car accident.  I am holding you and hugging you right now. 

All My Love,

Kathy

Post Edited (vette guy) : 4/13/2010 12:34:00 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/12/2010 7:22 PM (GMT -5)
vette guy
I am doing the same for you too...it was not just a accident, he got in the back seat of a car and did not know that the driver was on drugs and drinking and had been a habitiual offender.  He turn on a road when he could not see what was coming because of the big truck in front of him...normal people don't make a left turn when they can not see on-coming traffic...he was a very calis and rude individual that only cared about himself...my son was the only one killed out of the 3....he did not know he was messed up and had been up for days on end or he would have never accepted the ride.

Gosh it still angers me when I think about it that way.  So life is to precious to waste on anger and so we move on...we are all praying for you and your family...Good night..

Leslie

Posted 4/13/2010 1:32 AM (GMT -5)

honestwoman50 said...
vette guy
I am doing the same for you too...it was not just a accident, he got in the back seat of a car and did not know that the driver was on drugs and drinking and had been a habitiual offender.  He turn on a road when he could not see what was coming because of the big truck in front of him...normal people don't make a left turn when they can not see on-coming traffic...he was a very calis and rude individual that only cared about himself...my son was the only one killed out of the 3....he did not know he was messed up and had been up for days on end or he would have never accepted the ride.

Gosh it still angers me when I think about it that way.  So life is to precious to waste on anger and so we move on...we are all praying for you and your family...Good night..

Leslie

Leslie...I am so so sorry to read this.  Our son was in a very bad car accident in 2003.  He has back problems as a result, and I'm sure he'll need surgery some day.  Being a mother my heart goes out to you.  Sending you hugs and kisses again.....hope you don't mind!

All My Love,

Kathy

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