Well, it happened - had an emotional breakdown

2.5 months after my surgery that I had 4 days to wrap my head around - I finally had an emotional breakdown.  If you asked friends or family, they would tell you I am the one that always holds it together - you very rarely know if there is anything askew in my personal life b/c I just tuck it away and move on.  I haven't always been this way, I think a lot of it has to do with marrying a man in the military and the need to know how to suck it up and carry on based on his job.  For the past 2 months I've listened as friends repeatedly told me they would not be in as good of spirits as I was, they would be angry - sad -depressed, they wouldn't want visitors and on and on.  Heck, even my own husband told me he is amazed at my strength because of ALL the things we have been through this would be the one thing he thought I would have stumbling blocks with.

I ended up changing my pouch 4 times yesterday - all because of the abcess draining.  Last night my kids wanted to watch a movie and have "junk food night" (we go to the store and everyone gets to pick out a candy and eat the entire thing LOL).  Of course, something went wrong with my pouch and what I thought was gonna be a quick change turned into an hour long ordeal complete with my husband trying to help me "modify" my pouch to fit the space I have and cutting right through the bag.  I lost it - not on him, it wasn't his fault - he was just trying to help.  I just lost it in general - brought me to my knees literally.  Sobbing, pounding fists, slamming cabinet doors the whole nine yards.  And this man I married, this man who has fought in wars and is famous for his line to his Marines "put a straw in it and suck it up!" sat down next to me on the floor, stroked my hair and just let me do what I needed to do whispering "it's okay to be mad, you NEED to have this - just let it happen".  Then he got my pain medication, helped me take off the pouch he had cut, sat with me as we cleaned up my abdomen, re-prepped the site, covered the abcess, applied the pouch and then cut it down to fit.  He changed my abdominal dressing, got me new clothes and went downstairs to tell the boys - who had been knocking on the door asking what was taking so long - a shortened version of what WAS taking so long LOL.

Afterwards I felt and still do feel so selfish for having that moment.  There are SO many other people whose circumstance is much more involved than mine - hell, I saw it everyday I was in the hospital!  Young men and women coming back from serving their country without arms and legs, covered in burns, compromised eyesight  - I could go on.  How selfish of me to be whining about getting my life back while these heroes put theirs on the line to protect me.  I feel like such a putz.

I kept asking "why is He doing this to me, what does He want from me?  Haven't I answered enough of these calls to be strong?"  I weathered that storm last night and just as quickly as I fell apart, I pulled it together and came down to catch the tail end of junk food night.  And do you know what happened this morning?  My husband woke me up to change my dressing before he headed out for study group.  I was still half asleep and he says "quit holding your stomach together" to which I responded "um, any abdominal muscles I have are not connected, I'm not "holding my stomach together"" and he says "wow, it really closed up overnight".  God does work in mysterious ways.

Thank you! A lot of my friends didn't even know I had/have Crohn's disease - it just isn't one of those things you talk about like diabetes, etc. And since it isn't one of those things that has outward and obvious symptoms, a lot of times people wouldn't even know I was sick and I would just carry on. The day before I went into the hospital last time (December 6) I had a Tastefully Simple party - it was the WORST party I have ever done, I felt horrible for the hostess b/c I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to be conducting the party AND I spent about 30 min in her bathroom :( No one knew I was sick - she only knew b/c I called her the next day to finalize her order b/c I was heading to the hospital.

If I can just get this abcess to heal up and close it will be a huge step - between the draining and the pain of it I'm a mess. I'd like to just change this pouch ONCE a day instead of 4 - that takes a toll on your skin and the stoma. Not to mention I was just healing the "burn" round my stoma and now I feel like I am taking steps backwards b/c of all the changing. Blah. I can deal with the big hole in my stomach - which seems totally odd.

Absolutely normal, I had a breakdown 3 days after my temporary ostomy in the hospital, all day long, I cried and cried. My ET nurse had incoming phone calls stopped (now, you'd use your cell phone, ha ha but this was 1999), my door closed with a posted sign that said - no visitors, inquire at nurse's station. She patted my hand, nearly cried with me and said everything would be fine and I'd get the hang of the ostomy, etc.

It is a lot to handle, suddenly stool exiting your body another way? Sometimes it hits you smack in the face, etc.

Sounds as if you have a wonderful support system and I firmly believe crying is very helpful.

(you may wonder why I still read this forum, I glean info from 3 forums here, IBS, Ostomies and UC, since well I live a rather abnormal lifestyle (20 bm's per day), and sometimes feel very isolated to have my world revolve around my gut but then I read all of your wonderful survival stories and I don't feel so alone. Besides, I just may have to have an ostomy again someday, who the heck knows).

Mary/Marsky

WOW! Allblue,

I would have lost it LONG before now. I am a total mess about having to go into convexity. Then after I eat something new I worry will I obstuct? and it is usually something really soft like ravioli well cooked well chewed!

I would have lost it LONG ago with the absess AND the stoma AND all the changes. Good thing you have a supportive husband. I am alone and have to deal with all this crap alone. God sent you him for a good reason, he will see you through. A supportive guy can give you wings. Like he said you needed to have that good cry.

My cat is getting old and sick but is maintaining on some meds for now. The other night I just lost it and cried and cried about what if she gets worse, goes back into pain, and there is no cure (she has pancreatitis) and I have to have her put to sleep. well, I felt a LOT better after that cry. Sometimes we just have to let it all out.

As I recall you are 22 or so? I could have your age mixed up with someone else. BUT if you are one of our "youngsters" then even more power to you. When I was that age, a pimple was a big deal to me. I NEVER would have made it through what you are going through now.

I put that convex hollister on that did the best for my burn and am taking about 4 days off from any kind of change unless something happens. I hate the tail closure but I am just going to have to deal with it. Changing the non-convexity every other day to cure the burn right beneath my stoma did not damage my skin but I could sure see potential. I cannot imagine changing 4 times in one day. MAN!

Lots of prayer and support, Rosemary

Wow you guys, those were some great words of support and encouragement. Thank you all so much. Rosemary I am so sorry that you have having to endure all this alone - I sure hope your kitty makes a turn for the better :)

as a mom myself i know what its like to feel like you are being selfish for having moments like that. And it's hard to not think that way. Anyone who has a kid knows once they come you cease to be important at all! i always say i'm lower on the totem pole than the ant i just squished! Being a parent gives you strength you couldnt even imagine having before, and gives you the ability, somehow, to hold all your problems in to keep from showing our kids we are hurting. Because that hurts the kids. And its very hard to remember that we have to keep ourselves healthy to be good parents. That was why i chose surgery, even though it meant time away from my son, i knew it would give him a better life, that was almost 5 years ago, and i still feel guilty about those 6 weeks i missed with him!
Having a break down like that is good for you, helps clear everything out and get all that stuff out, makes it easier to heal. I have had breakdowns over less than that. My husband works out of town Sunday through Thursday and even though i have my family next door to help a lot,sometimes it gets really hard being a somewhat single parent, and i just kind of freak out and have a little hissy fit! I always feel better afterwards.
Sounds like you have a great husband and that's a really good thing! hopefully you will get all this leakage and such under control, and be able to get on with things! I'm almost 5 years out, like i said, and i now do all kinds of things for my son and with him, so just try to hang in there and keep faith that it will all get better!

I think it's great you had that breakdown. Sometimes you need to have that moment where you realize what was given to you and how unfair it is. Sure, people have it worse. Like you, I felt guilty for feeling bad about my situation because of this and it became my mantra in the hospital. However, there issomething to be said about the awfulness of your situation and I think you have the right to complain all you want, as long as you move on.

I was given eighteen hours to wrap my head around having a stoma, because the surgery was legitimately life saving. And though my mom cried I held up for three months, until I had a very bad night blowout. I remember sitting on the floor sobbing, everything covered in output, and my father found me in this huge mess on the floor. He helped me clean things up and put me to sleep.

Sometimes I get upset but that's allowed. The main thing is to cheer up and get past it all. :)

I wish you the best of luck and health, and hopethigs will go uphill from here.

Apologies for any errors, I'm on my phone.

      It's very hard to keep it altogether when you have so much on your plate. 

     I was happy to read where you have such an understanding and compassionate husband.

     What I was wondering is where exactly is your abscess?  Is it around your stoma?  Are you taking an antibiotic?  Please forgive me if you answered these questions, as I did not read every post under this topic.

     A few weeks post surgery (I also have a permanent ileo), I developed an abscess inside the anus.  My surgeon did not sew it closed.  He was able to go in with an anuscope and then had to place a tube up there and suction it .  Thought I was going to pass out as this was done in his office with no pain med..lol.  He placed me on two antibiotics for two weeks.  I had to return to him to make sure the infection was gone, and it was.  I cannot fathom having an abscess under the wafer.  It must be extremely painful.

     I hope and pray you will soon feel much better.  Keep thinking, this too shall pass.

allblue,

Hope you are feeling better. My permanent ostomy was necessitated by a GYN surgery that later was found to be unneeded; you likely read my story or parts anyway. Lucky to be alive and lucky to find the lysis of adhesion and ileostomy doc who fixed me the best that could be done. BUT now, just this summer I was diagnosed with beginning Trigeminal neuralgia which is known to be one the worst pains known to mankind. It is where a coating on the sheath of the trigeminal nerve that innervates the face gets worn away by a blood vessel that just happens to be riding on it for one's whole life. Only when the coating wears away and you get electric nerve pain in the face do you know you have it and the dentist rules out all other tooth issues.

Plus, as an ileostomate who cannot eat the fruits and veggies that I used to eat nor the types of fresh meat I used to eat I am living on soft protein and carbs. I JUST remembered 2 older relatives when I was a kid had diabetes later in life. SURE HOPE NOT to get that. Also the trigeminal neuralgia so far is low level and pains are not all that often, but IF they get to be worse and very frequent then you have to go on meds that stone you out OR have procedures as that is not a pain that can just be lived with. I'm like whyyyyyyyyyy all this? What did I do???????

Overwhelming at times. I can just imagine your situation.....but sooooo good that you have supportive hubby and a family. I'm dealing with all my crud alone NOT fun. BUT, hope all improves. That is odd about that abcess; that would be the last straw as an ostomy in and of itself is quite enough. I know what you mean about overload for sure.

Best wishes. Rosemary