Intimacy: rejected. what have I become?

Obviously, this guy is not a "true friend" as you claim... and really, you say he's been wanitng intimacy for ages, knocks down your door, etc- so he's just a friend with benefits, a booty call? There's no relationship that I can see... If you feel disfigured & a freak, then you are- not much more you can say. I have no intimacy issues, & from what I've heard, no one else does either- if anything, we're having more sex than before! Not to be rude, but your whole post is a little nuts... sort of like you can't see the forest for the trees, you personally are to enmeshed in the situation to see how crazy it is. Dump that loser "friend"!

I am sorry this happened, being rejected for any reason is never easy and especially when you thought it was someone who is a close friend. It is hard to see now but the right person is out there and there are a lot of good people who have no issue with our situations. I have a few friends or family with different difficulties or disabilities and although not always easy they have all found someone who loves them exactly as they are.

Unfortunately good or bad not everyone can handle it. Look at it this way, better you find out now than down the road when you really need them and they are out the door. I have a friend whose husband left her 6 months after her cancer diagnosis. I'm sure she would have liked to know he wasn't up for that challenge early on instead of losing him when she needed him the most!

I'm not sure I really understand your relationship with this guy. Was he a friend with benefits, as Eva Lou put it? Or did you only start "messing around" for the first time when he felt your ostomies? I can't tell. But either which way, I can't help feeling Eva's post is on the money. I'm not getting a good vibe about this friend: it seems like he was only there for you because he was either getting "benefits", or because he was hoping and waiting for a chance to get them. I doubt your ostomies had much to do with his cooling off, although I can understand how it comes across that way.

It sounds like you have misjudged his character (if not his intentions). It happens! People can be pretty good at hiding behind a facade. Deffo dump him and move on.

Thanks for the supportive comments and trying to reassure me that he's the problem, not me. I am trying hard to change my thinking, to see that I am just like anyone else--people are all different from one another, we all have things about us that make us unique, and that's a good thing. That there is nothing wrong with me.

They say that completely adjusting to an ostomy often takes about a year. I'm at 9 months. When I saw my ostomy nurse the other day, I told her about my intimacy fears, etc, and feeling like a freak. She mentioned the fact that I haven't had much time to adjust to and accept my ostomy. That I've been too busy handling one medical issue after another to even have a somewhat decent quality of life. So, I guess I haven't gotten too far in exploring the new territory that comes with a colostomy. The ostomy nurse's words helped me to realize I'm making progress and to give it time. She told me the same thing that many of you did…that any guy that is worthy of being with me will accept all of me, including my ostomies.

I'm not close to many people, and between the colostomy / ongoing GI issues and lots of other medical junk to deal with, it's even harder connecting w/ friends or finding someone I can really identify with. For example, this week I had 11 doctor appointments--I think I'm more comfortable with some of them than with other people. Intimacy was / is a HUGE step for me.

Eva Lou said...
If you feel disfigured & a freak, then you are- not much more you can say. I have no intimacy issues, & from what I've heard, no one else does either- if anything, we're having more sex than before! Not to be rude, but your whole post is a little nuts...

I'm not sure what to think of this. On one hand, maybe it's a good kick in the ass, to see that I am better & deserve better than how things are. On the other hand, kind of makes me wonder if I should just give up on having a happy and "normal" life. That maybe I am just a freak (since I feel that way at times), especially since no one else has intimacy issues but me. I am alone.

For now, I'm going to keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and take it day-by-day.


Sunny (the freak)

I could be wrong but I think Eva was saying you are what you see yourself as - so if you see yourself as a freak, you are; if you don't, you're not. While there's a lot of truth to that, I'm not sure how helpful it is to say to somebody who has chronically low self-esteem. It's not like if you have low self esteem you can just magically make yourself have high self-esteem: it's one of those things which are easy to destroy (in children) and virtually impossible to rebuild (as adults).

I have an untold number of intimacy issues, so you are not entirely alone.

Eva Lou said...
I just can't imagine that you would consider this person to be a good "friend". And if so, why didn't you call him out on his hesitance? One incident does not constitute "intimacy issues". Let the guy go, he's not worth your time.

Agreed!

It's not easy to see the wood for the trees sometimes. We're not in the thick of it, so we can see the wood - er, I'm losing track with this analogy. We can see that this guy isn't behaving like a good friend in the slightest, but we don't know him and we don't hang out with him, so it's easy for us to be objective about it. Put it this way, what would you say to a friend in the same position as you? You would probably tell her to forget about the guy because he isn't worth it.

Low self esteem is often used to excuse or put up with sh!tty behaviour. Despite what I said in my last post, it's not inevitable that you have to go along with it. Everyone has pride: it's an unavoidable part of being human. Some abused people stay stuck in their situation because they can be too proud to seek help or admit they got it wrong. They'd be better off using that pride to dump the abusive moron.

Sunny13 said...
Pretty much what you all were saying about my "friend". I have distanced myself, but it's tough because we live in a small apt. building, it's a sort of "community" style place, and I'm not willing to move because I'm uncomfortable with him. Definitely changes being made though. I'm working on it.

I obviously wouldn't want to have your friend in my life, but the "community" style sounds like something I wish I had here. I live in a block of flats and wouldn't recognise any of my neighbours if I fell over them. There are no communal areas in the building, not even a launderette. Outside of the nuclear family, this country is a desert for communities. There aren't any, not really.

Good luck with your therapy session at any rate!