Today, I had to go back to the radiation clinic that did all the damage to me during SRT.  Haven't been back to the building in more than a year.  Had to ask for some special records for my legal case.  They fooled around and kept stalling me off, so had to sit there for about 45 minutes.

I started getting ill feelings even driving up to the place.  Parked and made the walk to the front door, where a security guard politely held the door open.  I froze in place, involuntarily, and almost couldn't' make myself go inside.  Finally closed my eyes, and went in.

While in the waiting room all that time, my mind flooded with terrible memories.  There is a certain smell to the place that made me feel like I was back late in 2009 undergoing the radiation.  I watched other patients come and go.

All I could think about was being on that  table back in the treatment room, 39 times.  I remembered the intense burning that began on the 4th of the 39 treatments.  And how it got progressively worse with each passing treatment.  At the time, know how much it was going to hurt, it was all I could do to force myself to show up every day.

I don't know what I would have done or said, had I seen my former RO.  I know it would have upset me greatly, but fortunately I didnt have to deal with that.

Finally, I got the info I came for and  it wasn't until I got back out those doors did I stop feeling nervous and edgy.

Almost 3 full years later, it still haunts me.  It was one of the worse medical experiences in my life.  I would never consent to radiation again, even if it meant saving my life.  I have been through major radiation two times in 12 years, both bad experiences.  Can't handle it any more, don't want to think about it.

 

Hopefully, that will be the last time I ever need to go back there.

 

David in SC

Sorry to heard of your bad experience.

David,

Sorry you had to go back to the scene of the crime.  Hope you're doing ok...

JL

David,

Your lawyer should have retrieved those records without you having to visit the scene of the crime. Next time, tell him you won't do his job for him. If he balks, get a new lawyer!

The almost year on that catheter was so intensely painful, as the inside of my bladder was so enflamed from the radiation damage. Bladder spasms are terrible on a healthy bladder, but I had 4-5 dozen a day, sometimes dropping me to my knees in pain. And when we had to change out the tube every 4 weeks for sanitary reasons, I had to be held down sometimes by the nurse, so the doctor could do it. It was like having a rusty hot screw driver pushing through the hole through to my bladder. Just hard to shake this from my mind. Being at that clinic today brought it all back to me. Sorry, the mind just won't erase the horror of that time period. Wish it would.

David

thank you andrew

David,
I remember you blogging about those spasms. I remember you blogging about that burning too, even makes me feel queezy...Didn't realize it was that long ago, wow. I also remember you said the oncologist switched to IMRT, originally it was planned for EBT, do you remember why she switched over to IMRT? (I guess that is water under the table now though)

Sorry to hear about those terrible feelings. I myself have to go back to my old chiropractor sometime next week or so. Almost a year ago while getting adjusted he started adjusting my hips. After a few sessions, my hips started hurting very bad. I told the idiot they were hurting so Einstein decided to do another adjustment on them. A few weeks later, I went to see my sports MD about my hips, after sometime, I got an MRI which showed the dumbass chiropractor TORE the labrums in both my hips. Now I need surgery to fix his mess. I will go back and tell him off. Not nearly the ordeal you went through, but can sorta understand those feelings you have. Still have very upset feelings about him. I should have known better, his office was never busy.

Sorry you had to go through this initially, but to live it again just isn't fair.

One of the reasons I did not get follow up radiation after my seeds was because although I trusted the doctors doing the seed operation, I did not know what techs I would get for the follow up radiation or what kind of training or experience they would have. I just scared me when I went I had my consolations.

I hope you find some moments of pain free enjoyment in your day. Sorry you have to go through this.

gleason - thanks, my friend

81gyguy - thanks for your comments. like you, i am also a viet nam vet, 1970-1971, U.S.N., VP-17, Patron Seventeen. We flew P-3 Orions on the Market Time Patrols. South China Sea, Mekyong Delta, Cam Rah Bay, etc. I salute another Viet-Nam brother for your service too.

i am not brave, just trying to survive a very bad and painful hand of cards i was dealt. just when you think you have had the pain you can possibly take, you get more thrown on you. the only time i don't feel pain, is the short hours that i sleep at night, even then, i will have some nights where the pain will wake me up from a deep sleep.

hope you continue to do well yourself.

david

G6 -- the doctor who placed my seeds also drew up the plans for IGRT and his techs administered the treatments.

ed

 

Dear David,
I am so sorry that you have to bear emotional pain as well as physical pain.
I will continue to pray for you friend.

David, along the line has anyone attributed your bouts of cancer with Agent Orange?

Much blessings,

Aimzee

Sounds like a clear lawsuit to me. I know when I had my IMRT they did a quick scan before the readiation started to make sure my bladder was full enough....they even told me when it was too full and would not do the radiation until it was the correct fullness. many guys would be hanging out with coffee or by the drinking fountain.

I cant imagine how they could be so incompetent unless back in 2009 they didnt know. I suspect it was carelessness.